[TeresaSuperMama]

Okay, I know my posts have been sketchy and random today. I have been in and out in honestly just a numb daze. The last time I cried this much was when my baby Steven (who is not really a baby, but he's my baby) was diagnosed with diabetes. It was like being struck by lightening two kids with type 1 diabetes - unheard of. Unreal. Now here I am trying to figure out how someone perfectly healthy goes from being a "Fertile Mertyl" and being perfectly healthy to 3 losses in a row? I mean after my first loss (well second, but first of my current bad streak) I took care of myself. I lost 70 pounds. I started exercising and eating right and this baby I find it soooo ironic. I mean with my first I was young and dumb and stupid and took terrible care of myself and didn't have a single problem. This time I take my prenatals and do everything right.

I suppose I should backtrack as to why I am having my emotional breakdown for those that have not read everything I have posted today. I had planned to wait until Friday to call my doctors and am still struggling with doing it tomorrow. I took a test again today (well I got some from my sister's secret stash). She needed a favor from me so I got a favor from her. I peed on the test in the Biggbys restroom because that's where we met to do our exchange. She thought my test looked okay. I thought it looked horrible because I knew what yesteday's test looked like. So I figure okay we know what happens next. So I go home and of course have to test one more time in case that test was a fluke and I was working myself up for nothing. Test 3 now I did have coffee so I am praying right now that test 3 was from the coffee dilution right now, but we all know I have been down this road before so I only want to tread so lightly with deluding myself. Well that test was barely viewable I'd call it negative so I take a digi to confirm my fears. It comes back "Not Pregnant".

I threw away all my progesterone and covered in dishsoap and coffee grounds. Now of course I am upset with myself for doing that, but I wanted to be done and stop torturing myself. I may go out and buy some more tomorrow. I don't know. I honestly figure right now the only thing that will save this baby is God itself. My faith in God is very shaky and has been for some time and I don't like that as I used to have so much faith. I emailed my kids school. (My kids go to a wonderful Catholic school.) I asked the secretary to please put me on the prayer list at the school and for them to please pray for me. I know that maybe I don't have the faith to pray right now, but I am hoping God will hear the prayers of the faithful who can pray without doubt. So if you do pray and can pray with a sincere heart please pray for me and my baby.

I took one more test tonight and am going to ask dh to take off of work tomorrow and hide all the tests so I will not pee on any more. Anyhow, the test tonight is positive again and I am still pregnant. I don't even know if I should be hopeful and still pray. I am afraid to. I am just so very afraid right now. I know that no matter what I will be okay, but I am not doing so good right now.

I am also trying to find the strength to call my doctors in the morning. I don't know why I am struggling with calling so much. I figure if I post this maybe that will make me compelled to call first thing.

Also I heard this song today on the drive home. I have never heard it before, but I cried through the whole song. It's so funny because I have been telling dh for a few months now since we started our ttc journey that I was broken. That is how I feel tonight - just broken.

Anyhow I found the song and the lyrics tonight and wanted to share that with you all.

Song

and here are the lyrics

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘ Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘ Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘ Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel light when you’re gone away


I have no idea what I am going to do if this is a loss as I anticipate, but going to cross that bridge at a later date.

[mommie2many]

Im so sorry, Keeping you and your bean in my thoughts and prayers.

[noworries]

I just want to let you know that it doesn't matter where you are at, you can always turn to God. I'm saying a prayer for you now.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Keeping you and your bean in my thoughts and prayers. I pray that when you go to the doctor everything is okay.

[*MomofO&Nat*]

Sending up prayers for you!

[momof6lopez]

Teresa, I posted to you in TTC, but I wanted to make sure you know how much Im praying for you tonight. You are brave and will find all the strength you need right now from within. I have no doubt.

[JessP]

God works in wondrous ways. I hope that he helps you on this journey.

[Oreobaby]

I pray that the tests you took earlier were just too diluted. Praying for you and your bean!!

[KDD]

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow Teresa.

[Kary♥RN]

You are in my thoughts... HUGS.. wish I could take your pain away.

[Mel1979]

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

[charm]

*HUGS* I am keeping you in my T&P's.

[HopefulMommy81]

Teresa, I sent your a PM, but just wanted to say I've been praying for you tonight at work and hope everything is OK! KUP, OK? Hugs and hugs and lots of hugs! (sorry, I'm tired, almost time to go home!)

[Trish36]

I'm thinking of you and hope that the tests continue to get darker and you get some good news from your doctor. HUGS!

[krystal g]

I just wanted to give you HUGS. I'm thinking about you.