How have you changed?

missy123 · #1 November 15th, 2009, 10:24 AM

How have you changed since your loss(es)? Has the relationship between you and your SO changed at all?

*MomofO&Nat* · #2 November 15th, 2009, 10:53 AM

Never thought I would be jealous of good friends and their pregnancies. I also really never fought much with DH before this, now I feel like I am short with him sometimes when the subject of pg comes up even though I know it is not his fault.

momof6lopez · #3 November 15th, 2009, 11:01 AM

My relationship has stayed the same, Jerry is very suportive of me. He wants a baby, probably more than me in some ways. Sometimes this is hard, sometimes it is appreciated. He ask me every day about temps, opks, hpts, its like living with a JM member! Sometimes its a bit overwhelming. Like when he says "o, it went up, thats good right?" I just get tired of explaining the whole temping process, the opk process. He's like, maybe we have been missing the good time, and Im like "no, were doing it on the right days". Geeeeeeeeeeeeesh, I did not expect to explode here Missy, sorry!

He's cute though, he will say" O, you got a positive opk today, that means the egg is popping out right? Your temp should go up tomorrow, right? Did we do it on the right day? And then every day in the 2ww, its "are your bb's sore?, do you feel nausieated?, are you tired?" every single day.................

TeresaSuperMama · #4 November 15th, 2009, 11:04 AM

Dh and I are closer than we have ever been. He has been more open with his heart and his feelings and so have I. It has made the things that are important to us crystal clear.

farasha · #5 November 15th, 2009, 11:14 AM

DH and I are definitely closer after having had to go through all this. That said, I know we're both depressed a lot, and don't really find as much joy in the things we used to like doing. We're really envious of friends who are having children and have a really hard time being social.

Kary♥RN · #6 November 15th, 2009, 12:12 PM

It has changed alot... some for the better some for the worst... It has brought us closer together... But sometimes I feel like he is not "doing"enough.. I know he can't "do" more.. (I temp, I chart, I do the OPK's, I put in the pre-seed, I have to take the suplements, vitamins and I have had to go throught the physical aspect of the losses..) He has to "do the deed" and have the same emotional "thing" I have to. So this has made us not as close during these times of feelings. While yes the support is their... Sometimes I feel it is not enough.. When I hear him talking to his friends asking about thier newborn, I think you couldn't ask when I'm not around. I want to be happy.. But after three losses.. It still hurts. He says it bothers him.... but not in the same way it bothers me. I know I have been depressd... I know he has been also... but again.. Not to the extent of me. And when I am having a bad, bad week, bad month.. I have to explain WHY, Why I'm not talking to people, why I don't want to go someplace, Why I don't want to leave the house... So Are we closer, sometimes.. But I know I have changed, I am depressed, I am sad, I am mad, I am hurt, I am not the same person I was. I don't think I ever will be the person I was. Three pieces of me are missing, I will never get them back.

erinangele · #7 November 15th, 2009, 01:14 PM

My relationship with DH has not changed. My feelings towered pregnancy, and having a second child have changed. I know i have only had one loss, and others here have had more, but im scared that Enzo was a fluke, that we will have reoccurring losses now.

Since my loss 2 weeks ago, i have researched my "irregular uterus". I found out that most women find out once they have reoccurring losses. I have a uterine septum that comes down part way, and if a pregnancy were to implant on it, it would not get the nutrients it needs to continue. I worry that this caused my m/c, that it will happen again. My OB said that although its possible that this happened, she doesn't think its likely. I think i will be on pins and needles until i see the h/b next time around. *sigh*

JessP · #8 November 15th, 2009, 02:09 PM

DH and I are closer. And over the last 8 months it has actually brought me to a new and different place in my life. I think it has brought me good things. As crazy as that sounds. I am at peace with my loss but it has taken me 8 months to get here. And I still have moments. While the new journey is just beginning CJ is the reason I am on it and for that I am thankful which probably sounds crazy. I think I said I was crazy twice

. Anywho that is where I am at.

Celena · #9 November 15th, 2009, 02:20 PM

It put allot of strain on the relationship because it was so painful... it was extremely painful for DH too, but he tried to be "strong" and really it pushed me away. However, we're constantly growing together in our relationship, we've been thru more in 5-6 years than some (or most) in 20+ years of marriage.

He definitely does have baby fever and have wanted a baby way more than I've ever seen a man in my life! (except Lori's hubby, LOL!) Altho my DH will ask is it O time, have you gotten a + on those strips, and every time we BD he says.... "that's it, I made it, he's in there"

~InHisHands~ · #10 November 15th, 2009, 03:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JessP

DH and I are closer. And over the last 8 months it has actually brought me to a new and different place in my life. I think it has brought me good things. As crazy as that sounds. I am at peace with my loss but it has taken me 8 months to get here. And I still have moments. While the new journey is just beginning CJ is the reason I am on it and for that I am thankful which probably sounds crazy. I think I said I was crazy twice

. Anywho that is where I am at.

Doesn't sound crazy to me at all! I'm right there with you! I NEVER thought I'd say this but I have honestly seen a lot of blessings come out of such a tragedy.

As far as the original quesiton... DH & I are so much closer now. He was so wonderful during the loss & afterwards. AND I have grown so much closer to God during this journey.

missy123 · #11 November 15th, 2009, 05:06 PM

Help me ladies, what good things came out of your loss? I grew very close to Lori and got to meet Kary which I cherish... And I have all of you. Was that my "good thing" that came out of it? It would be good for me to be able to see something good out of all of the sadness.

Celena · #12 November 15th, 2009, 05:51 PM

The positive... I always try to find a "silver lining" to everything, but sometimes it takes me a while to see one. Yes, I am grateful to have all of you that's for sure but what other positive can I pull from this... I'm not sure Missy. I want to say it has taught me a life lesson of some sort, like trying to "accept that not everything is going to have an answer" that has been a big one for me. Or don't stop living life just because you're TTC, there's so many things you'll miss out on for a "what if" that no matter what, circumstances are sometimes out of our hands entirely no matter how "perfect" we're living life.

I'm just not sure that I can find much positive out of something so devastating. I think that a true positive that I can find out of it would be a bfp

tee hee hee!

SkyBaby · #13 November 15th, 2009, 08:50 PM

The only relationship to suffer through this is my relationship with God. It was never real rock solid to begin with. I feel like I know God about as well as the random people driving by me in their cars on the freeway. My husband keeps trying to get me to pray, and coincidentally the pastor at the church my parents go to preached about prayer today. When something like this happens and I'm grieving a loss, anything faith based is the first to be thrown out the window. I don't know why, but that's how it's always been with me.. I just can't shake this feeling of awkwardness while praying or reading the Bible. It's.. a little hard to explain but I did my best without making this post too long.

My relationship with my husband has been pretty good. We've grown closer for sure since our loss on July 24th.

Mellza · #14 November 16th, 2009, 06:08 AM

I'd say the same, maybe a little closer for it. WE've cried quite a bit over the last week. I have noticed that I've been a bit short, and at times distant but it hasn't lasted for very long

Jeanie915 · #15 November 16th, 2009, 08:40 AM

I'm not sure if I can call this a "good thing" but i realized that I can't control it! and that is a very hard realization. i thought if i prayed hard enough, it would all work out. dh and i have gotton closer in some ways. this time we have more fun with bd and not so determined to make a baby. but i am having severe jealousy issues toward pregnant women. i just keep thinking "that should be me" i still have crying spells every now and then and dh is great. he lets me cry even though i feel like i am going crazy.

~InHisHands~ · #16 November 16th, 2009, 02:38 PM

For me a HUGE part of it has been how much closer it has brought me to the Lord... to trust Him even more now than I have ever before. My m/c story though sad was to me remarkable... the entire time I KNEW I was m/c-ing yet had this AMAZING sense of peace. Not only that but when I finally broke down & went to the ER b/c of all the pain I was in, the trip there (about 45 minutes away mind you) was smooth... not a lot of traffic on one of the busiest highways around. When I finally made it to the ER I LITERALLY walked right in & right back & the best thing of all... one of my church members works at the hospital that I go to. She was there on her regularly scheduled off day. They called her in & I KNOW it was God working all around me for me... He did that for ME.

The fact that she was there that day comforted me so much more than I can explain... she prayed with us before the D&C & she told the rest of our church family who stepped in & brought us dinner several nights there in a row so we didn't have to cook.

Everything that He was doing to make this m/c as easy as it could be... You know the timing of the m/c was amazing too.

If I had m/c-ed just a few days before I did my DH was off on a business trip that week so the timing, if it had to happen, was perfect. Mike was home & carried me to the hospital. If I would have had the m/c when he was on his trip I have no idea what I would have done... porbably would have had to call 911 b/c there was no way I could drive like that. As horrible as the circumstances were, my best friend was right there beside me holding my hand through the whole thing, wrapping me in His arms, loving me.

And since the m/c I have ministered to so many... actually 2 people in particular within the first 3 weeks of my m/c. 2 people in 3 weeks!

I shared Jesus with them & one turned back to the Lord. I have other plans to minister to so many more in the future hopefully through a pg loss Bible study that I have found & completed. The other co-host & I of the Christian Parenting board are hoping to do the Bible study in Jan right here on JM. It was THAT Bible study that has helped me tremendously to see my loss in a new light. I'm also going to give my testimony (infertility/miscarriage struggles) at church soon.

Oh, & last but not least... One friend in particular I have grown so close to here on JM that I don't think it would have happened if not for the m/c.

I'm sorry I wrote a small book there!

Once I got going I just couldn't stop!

missy123 · #17 November 17th, 2009, 09:42 AM

You are all so strong and amazing. Thank you for sharing your stories with me.

ldovey83 · #18 November 17th, 2009, 10:28 AM

I have seen alot of changes in me since I lost my two angel beans.. I know with the first one I was real angry.. I didn't understand why it was happening, and why it was happening to me.... At first I relied on God alot to help pull me through it.. It was people's comments and people that had never gone through a loss that would break me down and I would have to start the whole healing process all over... DH and I grew closer... He was there beside me and held me as I cried when they DR told me I was loosing the baby.. He kept telling me that God had a plan and that we can try again, and he wouldn't stop till I got my second baby.. Well when the second one happened I felt totally different.. I got angry at God and angry at my DH especially cause he told me to get over it.. I didn't understand why God allowed this to happen again for a second time.. It was so unfair.. SO heartbreaking that once again I had to say good bye to my dreams of what could've been with my new pregnancy.. Then I had the whole Dr thing and finding out my numbers were still high and getting hopeful again.. Then when it came crashing down again I felt numb once again.. As of now DH and I are doing better but for a while I had so much anger I was pushing him away and willing to just give up on my marriage and divorce my DH.. That was how bad it was... I am starting to work on my relationship with the Lord more and get an understanding as to why he allows us to loose children...Thanks for letting me share with you ladies.. Sorry it is long..