[mlyster]

After a bit of a hiatus and a 2 week vacation to South Korea I am back. South Korea was fantastic! Pictures will be up on my blog soon and on facebook after that (I will post a link here for you when they are up).

But while I was in South Korea I should have gotten AF... but I didn't. I was late one day, then 2, then 3 and I finally told DH and asked him what he wanted me to do. I told him about my fears of confirming and losing a pregnancy while on vacation and how much it would wreck me but he said "we want to know" so I tested. BFP. I was "one of those girls" who got a bfp immediately after a miscarriage. But even as I saw the dark, thick second line I had no joy. All I said was, "here we go again". My fears and feelings were shortly proven right. When I hit 5 weeks I started miscarrying... and continued to completely miscarry my fourth pregnancy of the year. I can not wait for 2009 to be over. I was numb enough to ignore it for the first few hours of the day but around noon I lost it. Tears just fell. Good thing we were not doing anything but driving to the airport to fly from Jeju to Seoul because I continued to cry for most of the afternoon. The only good thing about the whole thing was that I didn't have to say the word. The 3 people I was with knew.

Then I got back and I had recieved a voicemail on my blackberry from my doctor telling me they had an appointment for me to see a gynecologist (specializes in miscarriages). Then she said the words I was dreading... the appointment was not until MARCH 2010. Much too long of a wait for my liking. But there is not too much I can do about it. So I cried out of frustration with my body and out of anger for the inability to get any help and out of sadness for my 4 lost babies. So I returned the voicemail from my doctor and one from the specialist office and found out my appointment is actually February 8th. While that is still a long way from when I would have liked an appointment its only 2.5 months away. I, now, know I "can" get pregnant in that time frame so I will be watching my signs and testing early for the next 2 cycles so I have a fighting chance of keeping the pregnancy should it happen again as fast as these last 2.

More on South Korea later - just had to get all that out.

[Kary♥RN]

Hugs.... Michelle.. You know I am here for you, and know what you are feeling. If you need anything, I am here when you need me. I can't say anthing I haven't already said. This is not fair, this sucks, I wish I could change it for you. I know nothing I can say can take the pain away, can change how you fee, can bring back your babies. My heart is breaking for you, I am crying for you, I wish I could be thier with you. HUGS

[sportsmom2]

Hugs and Prayers for you... I am so sorry!

[iVari]

(((HUGS))) I am so very sorry . I am hoping and praying that time goes fast for you until your appointment in Feb. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

[JessP]

I am so sorry Michelle. I hope you had a great time in South Korea. I hope the next few months fly by for you and you get to that appointment and a healthy baby.

[starrsgirl]

I'm so sorry to hear of this loss. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make your appointment be tomorrow!!! Can you call to get on a "standby" list where they will call you if someone cancels? Can you get all your bloodwork done now so that you can walk in with that information??? HUGS!

[mommie2many]

Im so sorry (((HUGS)))

[missy123]

Michelle, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad DH was with you and you had some support around you.

Why the 2.5 month wait for an RE? Is it because of the healthcare system in Canada? It seems like a long wait.

[momof6lopez]

Michelle, this not only saddens me, but Im just so angry. Angry that yet another one of our girls here have had to endure yet another loss. Angry that it was you, and now you have 4 angels. Im at a loss of words tonight, I just cant tell you enough how very sorry Iam for you and your dh. You dont deserve this, you deserve to get a BFP and be overjoyed like everyone else. I pray that the dr. finds the problem immediately, and you get your little 2010 baby to hold forever.

[Oreobaby]

Michelle...

I am so sorry that you had to endure another loss. I don't even have the words to describe how sorry I am, and how my heart simply aches for you!!! I pray that the time passes quickly between now and your appointment at the dr.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Oh hugs hun! I am so sorry that you have to keep going through this. I pray that you get a sticky bean before your doctor appointment.

[farasha]

Oh Michelle. I am so so so sorry. I just want to wrap you up in a huge hug. I can't believe how unfair life is being. I'm thinking of you, and please let me know if you need to talk.

I'm glad you have an appt, though I wish it was sooner too. I hope that for you, the time flies by, and that you're on to answers soon.

And also - welcome back. you were missed and i look forward to stories and pictures!

[~Lynda~]

OMG that is so horrible hunny!!! i'm sooooo sorry. I really hope they can figure out what is causing these losses. Have you had your progesterone checked? that can be a factor in early miscarriage. HUGS to you and lots of them!!!! cry until you can't anymore cause it will help you!!!

[*MomofO&Nat*]

Michelle,
Words cannot express....I just feel so awful for you. I am glad to see you back, but not under these circumstances. I just can't understand how/why they make people wait that long to get in to see the doc. I hope you can get on a cancellation list and get in soon. Thinking of you!! HUGS!

[mlyster]

Thanks ladies.

Liz, I tried the cancellation list thing and they don't do it here. The nurse said they are too busy as it is so unless they have multiple cancellations in a single day they don't worry about one. I have been warned that the wait will be incredibly long because this doctor is not an RE but a OB/GYN so he also delivers babies (which obviously comes first). I am going to ask about getting bloodwork done in advance but I highly doubt it. My doctor won't even test my progesterone on her own.

Missy - the 2.5 wait is partly because of the healthcare system here and partly because of the shortage of doctors here. The healthcare system does not allow you to see a "specialist" with out a referral from your family doctor and then you have to wait to be fit into their schedule. I have heard (not sure how true it is) that the average wait is around a year if you are trying to get into specific doctors (mostly female OB/GYN's). I was hoping for an appointment before Christmas but would be happy with anything in January. When I first heard March I was livid. But Feb 8 is not too bad all things considered. I just hope the wait is worth it.

Shortcake - I have given up gettting a sticky bean on my own. We will be NTNP for the next few months but I really don't think we will get pg again until closer to the doctors appointment

Lynda - I am almost certain its a progesterone difficency. My family doctor won't test me for it (even though I have asked). I think if she had tested me when I asked I would have probably still lost #3 but certainly would have had a fighting chance for #4.

Also, I am looking into another doctor but don't know how successful it will be to get into her. I have a friend who saw her for her own miscarriage issues but that was over a year ago and she was a new doctor in the city back then. Also, just a note about the wait time. It often takes 2 weeks to get into my own doctor and during one of my pregnancies i was going to see a different doctor and it took 3 weeks to get into them (it was a practice of doctors who only see pregnant patients). The wait time is pretty normal around here. It also took me well over a year of serious trying to even find a family doctor (just medicenters and walk in clinics before that).

[Augie]

*hugs* sweetie. I'm so sorry you are going through this yet again. Please feel free to post over on RPL. We're here for you. *hugs*

[krystal g]

I'm so sorry Michelle. And I am astounded by the long waits and shortage of Dr's. I hope you can get the help you need soon.

[zkat]

Michelle,

I have no words. I am so very sorry. You have amazing strength and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kat.

[..Penelope..]

I'm so sorry, Michelle

You are always in my T&P.

[missy123]

I am so sorry for such a long wait for the dr's and testing. I hope they find answers super fast. I keep typing things and erasing them. I guess I just want to say I hurt for you and it is just not fair and I wish this didn't happen to you.