Intro and questions!

~FaRRaH~ · #1 January 9th, 2010, 06:45 AM

Hi ladies, I am Farrah and well after 15 of TTC I got pregnant with #3 only to lose my miracle baby. I am still in the midst of a miscarriage. I was wondering how did you ladies find the strength to go on? TTC again? and face everyone? I dont want to leave my room, I havent told my son, who is 6, and ask about the baby, and I dont know what to do at this point. I have cried so much that my eyes are swollen almost shut. How did you start over? Please any advice would be a welcomed blessing!

Natalie_Snow · #2 January 9th, 2010, 06:58 AM

I am so sorry for your loss! {hugs}

I lost my baby a month ago. Crying helped A LOT!!! I also did not want to talk to anyone about it and that helped me too. Most people who never experienced m/c will not even understand what you're going through. It made me sad to hear their comments about it (like it was just an embryo, that probably something was wrong and it was good the m/c happened), so it really helped not to talk about it. I'd talk to only the closes people and tell them about my m/c. Then I'd add that I do not want to talk about it anymore.

I will always remember and miss my first baby. I have stopped crying all the time after a week, then I cried a few times every day. Then I just had to learn how to live with it.

I just had to get used to the idea that I wasn't pregnant anymore. It took me about 3 weeks. I plan on TTC again this month

.

Justjessie · #3 January 9th, 2010, 06:59 AM

I truly don't know how we go on, but the days pass, and we do. And sometimes you think it's easier and sometimes it isn't.

I, too, lost my third. I had two totally uneventful pregnancies, I thought #3 was the same...then I had a missed miscarriage. I had no signs I was losing it, nothing...and then at the ultrasound the baby should have measured 10 weeks and I measured 6 and she had no heartbeat. =(

I was super sad until my body got back to normal...I charted right away and found out that I was ovulating and my cycles were the same...but about a month after, one day I realized the baby fat disappeared and I was back to normal. That for some reason, REALLY helped!

You will find a lot of support here and great friends! Welcome and I'm sorry for your loss.

momof6lopez · #4 January 9th, 2010, 07:09 AM

How do you go on...........I remember feeling this way, it was awful. I cried for three days straight, lost alot of weight, and almost could not function. During the first 3 days following my d&c, I had to take sleeping pills to sleep. My mind raced all day, and I could not sleep making the depression worse. I joined the Loss boards here on JM and posted away. My biggest help in healing was helping others. Knowing I was not alone at that very moment. Knowing everyday when I went online that someone else was feeling my exact pain. As the days went by, I found releif of the constant pain.

I also found faith. I left the pain on the front door of Gods hands. When I did this, I felt an instant releif. I have lost many baby's in my years of having children, but this year was the worst. I lost three back to back, after having 4 healthy children. Age is my issue. But I just picked up the pieces and continued on, not giving up.

I still dont know what the future of my current pregnancy brings me, I just have faith that all will be well.

One day at time, one hour at a time, or even minutes. Thats where we start. Im so sorry for your loss, and pray that your miracle is soon to be in your arms and your stay here in TTCAL is a short one. The women are brave, special and very kind.

Lori

~FaRRaH~ · #5 January 9th, 2010, 07:10 AM

Thank you Tusik and Angela... It really helps to talk and hear from others who have experienced this. Angela, mine is similar I should have been 7 weeks today except yesterday there was no gestational sac, and low beta #s. And yet I have a belly, nausea, sore boobs... so I think I am still in shock a bit. Your words have really been soothing, thank you

Lori, Thank you..

Right now faith is my biggest obsticale. I hope to get over my disappointments with God and accept His will and embrace the future SOME DAY right now I am still hurt and mad at Him. Thank you for the welcome and for sharing your story... this is helping a TON.

MeggysMommy · #6 January 9th, 2010, 08:04 AM

Hi Farrah welcome to the board even under these circumstances. I'm honestly not sure when it gets better, my loss was 2 and a half months ago and I still have my off days. Right after I had my loss which I should have been 7wks but the sac and baby only measured 5wks 3 days I was a wreck. Sometimes I think that its a sad but normal thing to be that way. All of my family and co-workers knew about the pregnancy so when the loss happened I couldn't even bare to tell them. Thankfully one of my really close friends at work was able to tell everyone what happened so I wasn't bombarded with questions. 4 days after my loss my MIL had signed up DH and I for this mystery dinner at the church well we went but he was my bodyguard. I wasn't going to talk to anyone all questions were diverted to him. I also have to admit that I had a hard time struggling with why did God do this to me? Oh I was all about self-pity unfortunately. It just didn't seem right that I did everything correct and that I had before that yet no baby for me but 2 other girls who didn't want to ever get pregnant did. Ok enough with my rant

and give you ~Hugs~

KDD · #7 January 9th, 2010, 08:12 AM

Hi Farrah. I'm very sorry for your loss.

Right after my loss I swore that I would never go through this again and I was done with TTC! Well, within a week I decided that I did want to continue to TTC. Time is a great healer. It has taken me many, many months to "get over" my loss and accept that miscarriage happens.

Take time to grieve for your loss and let your body recover.

~FaRRaH~ · #8 January 9th, 2010, 08:27 AM

Thank You Caylynne and Kimberley.. thank you for the welcomes and for sharing your experiences.

Can I ask?? DId any of you feel selfish in your grieving? Like I should just move on and go play with the 2 healthy, goregous kids who are here.. but I just cant find the strength right now. I want to be alone. I have done a few things around the house that NEED to be done but then right back to bed. I wonder if this to is "normal" and will pass. This is not me for sure I dont use my bed for anything other then sleep and right now it feels so secure. DH also says I need to control my emotions for the kids but it seems like I bottle them all day so as soon as they are in bed or away I cry non stop again...

I appreciate you ladies SO MUCH.. it is helping so incredibly much to talk to others who have been through this. Thank you again for welcoming me.

1 more question? Has anyone done any memorial things for their angel? I plan to put the bfp's and a BIG SISTER shirt we bought for DD and a letter in a bag so as to not dismiss this babies exstinance in our family..

JesSsica · #9 January 9th, 2010, 08:42 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I too had a missed miscarriage with #3. I also had two very uneventful pregnancies and so I just assumed that #3 would be the same. I went to my 12 week u/s and took my dh and my two kids (aged 8 and 7 at the time) with me. My baby only measured 10 weeks and there was no heartbeat. I was showing and my bb's were very swollen. I had tons of symptoms all along that had started to diminish the week prior to my u/s. I assumed it was because I was nearly to my second trimester and nothing more.

I was devastated. I stayed in bed the day of my u/s and most of the following day. I had to wait four days for my D&C and that was the hardest long weekend of my life. I had to wear very baggy clothes and I didn't shower because I couldn't bear to see my swollen belly in the mirror.

My surgery brought me peace and closure. I cried at the hospital a little before getting put under and when I woke up I felt that I was past it. I didn't cry anymore.

I have no momentos because I knew that momentos for me would bring sadness everytime I looked at them. I just take peace in the fact that someday when I die my baby will be waiting in heaven waiting for me hanging out with my grandparents who I miss very much.

Everyone grieves in their own way. Let yourself feel your pain. If you feel like crying, then cry. If you feel like being alone, close yourself away. Don't feel selfish. The sadness will calm down with time. You have two children who love you very much and mourning the loss of a baby is ok. It won't take away from the two you already have.

We're here if you need to talk. It's helped me.

MeggysMommy · #10 January 9th, 2010, 08:46 AM

DH tried to make me feel better by getting my mind off of the loss and to not think about it. I know he was only trying to help but it didn't. I just wanted to be left along in a dark room to cry. So yes I personally have felt just like that.

mommy x 10 · #11 January 9th, 2010, 09:17 AM

Hugs, I'm so sorry you find your self here! I also don't understand how we go on. The is a pain I never imagined. I have cried with friends who have lost babies and I hurt for them but I never really understood the pain until now. I've had 9 mostly normal, healthy pregnanices and have 9 healthy children so when I found out I was expecting my 10th baby I expected the same. I kept spotting off and on and sometimes it would be red so I was concerned and began to fear that I would loose my baby. Then we saw a heartbeat so I thought everything was just fine and it made it even harder for me when we learned the following month that our baby had died. I cried so much the next few days. I was taking classes so I got myself together somehow to go to class but usually cried on the way to and from class and then came home and went to my room and cried some more. I cried every day for 2 weeks or more but it gradually became less. i finally started feeling like I was doing well and then I had to have a repeat d&c 4 weeks after the first one. It was easier than the first one but still emotional and made me realize I wasn't as ok at I thought. Then this last week I had a 1 month follow up from the last surgery and it was way harder than I thought it would be. I was very sad the rest of the day and still feeling blue the next day but now I'm ok again, whatever that is now. I still have moments when I get really sad but I seem to recover from the episode quicker. I figure that's how it will be.

I have felt a bit selfish in my grief. After a few days I'd hold in my tears during the day until I was alone and then at night or in the shower I'd let go. I didn't want to do anything. Now I'm glad I had classes to go to and the kids to take care of. It helped me. It forced me to get up and do something as little as it was at the time. I just wanted to lay in the bed and cry. I lost the baby at the beginning of November so the holidays were are real struggle for me. I absolutely LOVE Christmas! I love decorating, shopping, cooking, waiting for Christmas day but this I totally had to make myself do those things. I would have been happy to not celebrate this year. I didn't want to put the tree up or buy gifts. I did of course because I didn't want to make a terrible memory for my children. Dh was actually able to help me with the shopping this year so it helped me so much and by the time Christmas came I was feeling more like myself. Some things did get dropped, like Christmas cards but the important things were completed and we all had a good Christmas. When I first lost the baby I just wanted to be pregnant. I am supposed to be pregnant now and I want to be and I felt almost desperate about it. I think I was focusing on trying to have another baby so I wouldn't focus on my grief so much. I just finally got my first AF after my loss thanks to having two d&c's a month apart. And I still very much want to have another baby, but I don't feel as desperate about it as I did. Charting my temps helped me a lot. I felt like I was doing something. It amazes me how much I can learn about what is going on just by taking my temp and checking my cm.

Oh, I also wanted to say that dh greived totally different than I. Even now, he doesn't like to talk about it. He will but it is kept pretty short. He says he somehow just doesn't think about it. I have no idea how he does that. I honestly think that maybe he hasn't really dealt with the grief but I want to try to respect him and let him do it the way he feels he needs to. He did loose his mother and dealt with that so I want to give him room to do as he needs. He was and is so comforting to me. We tend to have different ways with dealing with other things so I figure this is the same.

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. But these are some great ladies! This board and the pregnancy loss board have really helped me through a hard time.

~FaRRaH~ · #12 January 9th, 2010, 10:16 AM

Jessica and Mommy x7 I appreciate all your support and kind words. It is inspiring seeing all you ladies that have hurt and somehow found a way to go forward. Thank you so much, this has been nearly the hardest thing I have had to do but somehow I have at least am finding strength to believe it is possible that someday I will be "ok" again. God willing sooner than later. Thank you again all you wonderful ladies, your stories and your angels are my inspiration.

*MomofO&Nat* · #13 January 9th, 2010, 10:27 AM

I am so so sorry to hear about your loss. I know exactly what you are saying, how does one go on after being so happy only be feel so awful? For me, it didn't really happen until I started getting a bit back to normal with my cycles, where I could have hope again of TTC. I cried A LOT, isolated myself from a lot of friends who were pregnant, and talked a lot with a friend who had gone through this herself. This board was a huge help, seeing that I wasn't the only one out there. So once I let myself feel ok about mourning, I healed a bit faster. I hope you find strength and support on the board as I did. Hugs!

~InHisHands~ · #14 January 9th, 2010, 10:48 AM

Oh no, Farrah... I am soooooooooooo sorry!!!

I lost my precious miracle at 11 wks after TTC for 3 years so I understand the heartbreak. Don't ever feel selfish grieving... that was your baby too.

The thing that helped me the most... a pg loss Bible study that I am actually doing over on the Christian Parenting board. It helped me so much that I wanted to do it online like we did the Love Dare so that maybe it can help others too. http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f4...n-up-here.html (Pregnancy Loss Bible Study Info & Sign-Up Here) I would love if you could join us... we start Monday actually.

About memorials, I framed my u/s pic & put it on my mantel. I always kiss baby night night...

I also wear a bracelet daily in remembrance of him/her...

There's also a "Baby Heaven" on the PL board. Here's my angel's memorial... http://www.justmommies.com/forums/16539610-post63.html (Baby Heaven) And last but not least, I have a TTC blog where I have "remembered" him/her too. I'll be remembering again soon since the EDD is fast approaching (Jan 16th).

Trish36 · #15 January 9th, 2010, 01:11 PM

Farrah I am so sorry for your loss!! Having a supportive family and friends that I could talk to has helped me tremendously. If I hadn't found this board I'm sure it would have taken me much longer to get over my loss. Talking about it made such a difference. It is so hard at first and everything made me cry. Yes ,I felt really selfish grieving an unborn child when I had 3 healthy, active children to look after. Maybe that helped me cope a bit as well, because I had to pick myself up and be there for them.
The hardest part will be dealing with people who have never gone through a m/c and who will sometimes say things that just totally make you angry. In their way I guess they are trying to make you feel better.
Also the fact that I knew that we were going to try again helped me a bit. It kind of made it a personal battle with my body that I was going to win.
Telling your kids will be tough, but they will be great support to you as well.
HUGS!!! Wishing you all the best and I hope that very soon you will hold another miracle.

~FaRRaH~ · #16 January 9th, 2010, 02:52 PM

KelSue.. thank you

may you be blessed with a healthy, happy 9 months... lots of

to you and your bean!!

Amanda... yet again I may be on an important journey with you. I will come check it out. I love what you did for your angel, I never got to see him so I dont have any pics all I have is the bfps that prove he was there and a shirt I bought for my daughter I cant bare for her to wear it now that the baby grew wings and I sat and wrote a letter to the baby today that I plan to put together in a box and save. As well as possibly a pic or note from my son once he finds out that his baby is in heaven. I cant even imagine how that is going to go. Sorry back on track.. thank you Amanda. God willing one day soon we will both be able to hold our miracle babies.

~FaRRaH~ · #17 January 9th, 2010, 02:59 PM

Hi Trish, I sure am glad to have met you and gotten a chance to get to know you a bit. Thank you for your kindness and thoughtful words.. I appreciate you all sharing so much of yourselves with me to help me heal. It is working. I pushed through today and made a meal since my DD doesnt eat take out... they are my teasures and I appreciate them. I am rambling sorry... Thank you :dothugs: many blessings to you and your bean!!

Kary♥RN · #18 January 10th, 2010, 11:32 AM

Farrah HUGS.. I am so sorry for your loss.... HUGS

Welcome to the board. These ladies are the greatest support, here on JM... How do I go on?? I wonder that sometimes myself. After three losses I have had, I look back.. the first one... was more of a shock... I didn't even realize I was late... by the time I tested it was so light of line.... I started bleeding with in 24 hours. I really didn't have time to even let it set in. My second loss was the worst... in reagards to crying non stop.. we saw her hb, we told EVERYONE, We were so excited!...... then the third... I was so Angry... I am still not talking to some people.. It has only been in the last few weeks... that I have been willing to go out, That I have been willing to see people, to see pregnant women.. (I still have a hard time... but I think I always will).... HUGS to you... you will get through this...