[LisaG825]

I had a miscarriage on 12/16/09. I was 15w4d. My stepsister is preg. and our due dates would have been 12 weeks apart. She was actually the first person that I even told I was pregnant. I told her before my dh. I have several friends due in Feb. and March, two friends due in July. The Gap where I live is closing and I decided to go in there to look. They had the baby clothes mixed with the adults and I started tearing up. I have been invited to my stepsisters baby shower and one of my friends. One is Feb. 7th and the other is Feb. 20th. I am doing good enough going to work. I work as an aide at a school. It is so hard seeing one kid let alone an entire school. I don't want to hurt my stepsisters feelings but I honestly don't think I could handle going to her shower. It is so hard for me to talk to her right now. I know it isn't her fault but it is just extremely hard seeing her preg. knowing that I am not anymore. Not to mention she gets to sit and open all of the gifts and I don't get to do that. I don't even think I can shop for a gift for her right now. I was thinking of just going to take a gift card or something and then leave. Would that be rude? Surely she would understand wouldn't she? I just don't want to start crying during her shower if I go.

Any suggestions on what I could say to her or how to even approach the topic.

[alethia]

((((HUGS))) I am so sorry! I think she'll absolutely understand if you can't go or need to leave. Maybe what would be good is if you could have sometime with her before the shower - even a day or two ahead - and give her a card then. I'm sure she probably had a hard time with inviting you - wanting to but not knowing if it would be too painful. Again, whatever you decide to do - i'm sure she'll understand. And it's very ok that you don't want to go right now. I'm sending healing thoughts to you and lots of hugs!

[Kary♥RN]

Igayer.... I am so sorry for your loss... HUGS..... What you are going through... is very simalir to what I had to go through over the summer... My SIL was due the end of Aug.. I would have been due Sept 18... My mom made me feel as if I had to go to her baby shower (my mom has never had a loss.. and has no clue what I have been through)... I went saw my Brother, SIL, and mom droped off the gift, and left. Just walking by all the pinks gifts killed me (Since I lost my little girl).. It was hard... That summer I was invited to 4 baby showers.. that was the only one "I went to"... SInce I just couldn't handle it.. I cried all the way home from my SIL's shower... I was not ready to go, to see her, to hear the conversations... I think I was the only one under 45 who wasn't pregnant.... I would talk to your Stepsister and let her know... You will try to make it... But some days you wake up OK... while others... not so much... I am sure they will understand if you just tell them ... HUGS

[mommy x 10]

I agree with the others. I'm sure if you talk to them, they will understand. Hugs!

[LisaG825]

Thanks guys. My husband really thinks I should go but right now I just really don't think I could handle everything. I can't even bring myself to looking at the baby clothes or toys at the mall let alone seeing her open all of that.

In a way I think the only way I could even handle going is if I would be able to get preg. before then. I don't see that happening b/c I am still spotting since they induced me and it has been 5 1/2 weeks. Didn't bleed for about 3 days and started spotting again.

[Kary♥RN]

Don't go if you don't feel you are ready... Is it a surprise.. or does you Stepsister now about it?..

My SIL new about it... I went early.. so I was there before most people even got thier... I gave her the gift (she put it with the rest of her gifts, which was ok)... I saw my brother... sat out side... for a few min.. since I couldn't take being in side with the ladies who were already there (they were all pregnant.. as stated above)... than I left. before everything started. That was the only way I could handle doing it, and everyone was OK with it.

[*MomofO&Nat*]

I am so sorry you have to go through this, hon. If it were me and she knew the circumstances, I would offer to meet her another day before the shower for lunch and give her a gift card or gift then, explaining why it is just too soon to attend the shower. If she is a decent person, she should fully understand and not be offended. At least you are making the effort to see her before hand, even if not at the shower.

[starrsgirl]

Hey, I just wanted to chime in and say that I bowed out of three baby showers that happened after my loss. I don't know if I did the "right" thing, but I managed to make plans for myself and then I could gracefully not go. All the showers were on weekends, so DH and I did some weekend getaways. We did things we were planning to do anyway, but just on those weekends. I ALWAYS sent a really nice gift and a card before.

[LisaG825]

Yeah maybe I will take her to lunch or something the week before. I don't even know if I could handle the decorations and stuff even. She knows I am having a hard time and wants me to try and talk to someone but I don't want to. Or well actually I guess I am talking to you guys! LOL I meant a psych.

[*MomofO&Nat*]

I think as long as you show you care by meeting her beforehand, it shouldn't matter if you are at the shower or not. She will still know you care about her, but will have better insight into why you cannot be there that particular day, so no bad feelings hopefully. Oh, and I think you should do something nice for yourself the day you meet her like get a pedi or a massage after. You need to take care of yourself, too!

[WeezerGirl]

When my sister-in-law's shower came around, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle going, but there was no way I would have been brave enough to have a lunch or even a phone conversation about why her happy shower would make me jealous and sad. I'm sure she would have understood and never have been angry with me, but I felt like it would not only be awkward for me, but especially for her-- and puting her in a position to feel guilty everytime she's around me.

My plan was to tell everyone I was going, and then just call her the day of the shower and say that I was so sorry but I hadn't been feeling well that day and and couldn't make it. That way it would just be easier on everyone. She may or may not be able to read between the lines, but regardless there's no way she couldn't understand the situation. That way if I decided at the last minute that I wanted to go, then I still could. Luckily I ended up having a healthy pregnancy by the time her shower came around, so I was able to go, but I would still do the same thing in the same situation.

Definately not the right approach for everyone, some like to be more straightforward, but it's what would have worked for me.

[LisaG825]

I have decided that I am not going to the shower at least def. not when other ppl are there. If I for some reason do go to the shower it will be before everyone gets there. Now I have to decide when to say something. Maybe I will just see if she wants to eat lunch or dinner and not say why around the 18th or 19th. I don't want her to stress and my luck cause something to happen to the baby. She is due like March 9th I think. Somewhere around there 8th-10th anyways. I just don't know how to come out and say. UMMM You being preg. is hard on me and I can't go to shower b/c it will upset me. Seems like I am being a jerk.

[Miss. Impatient Bevis]

Im sorry you are having to go through this. A loss is hard enough. Im sure if you explain to her the reasoning behind not wanting to be there, she will understand. I dont think you are sounding like a jerk at all and im sure she wont think so either.