[mafiamom]

dh and i are talking about when we will be able to try again. we both get excited... but then i get so very scared. what if it happens again? what if i am too old and that is why this has happened (and will happen again and again....). i am 39. i have a 1 in 56 chance of downs, not to mention other genetic abnormalities....

i hate that the rose colored glasses that bring the joy of being pregnant are totally off. i was so clueless, so blissfully ignorant until this loss and now i am full of doubt, fear, and trepidation.

it makes me not even want to try, which makes me such a coward..... i have totally freaked myself out by reading about all the losses, early and late that i know i will not have a moments peace until i hold a living breathing babe in my arms.

crap this sucks.

[j&jmom]

I completely understand how you feel. I had my boys with no problems . . . wanted to get pg, got pg, had an easy 9 months, baby. It never even crossed my mind all the things that could go wrong, or at least very rarely. I'm 33 and am worried about my age as well (I know you've got 6 years on me . . . but really we are both in our 30s). Last night on the news they said that cases of Autism increased with the age of the mother. Not to freak you out more, but I got a little freaked. I just want one more precious little baby, but I worry about pushing my luck. My other boys were completely healthy . . . now my last child was big (over 10 lbs) so I'm a little freaked about that too. (My first was a normal weight, but he was early and my last was born on his due date.) I don't have any answers for you . . . but I'll totally freak out with you!

[mlyster]

The only thing that will get you through is the desire to have a child. It's the only thing that has kept me going. Your desire to hold a baby and watch that child grow into an adult. That's it for me.

[stephjp]

I know the feeling...except I am only 22 and I fear that this could happen every time until my child bearing days are over...it does suck...

[HopefulMommy81]

I totally can relate, Colleen- but in a different way. We're still trying for our first. I know that getting a BFP isn't going to bring me the joy that a lot of women have with it because I've gotten one (twice) and yet I'm still waiting for that baby. We just are pushing through hoping for the best and God giving us the baby we dream about. We're all here for you and hoping you get that healthy baby you want!

[Kary♥RN]

Colleen ..... I so understand.. as one of the longer memebers.... and one that has had three losses..... It always goes through my mind.... What ifs will kill you!!! I have taken on what will be, will be...... You have to embrace what will be for as long as you have it!!!! HUGS!!! And remember that we are here to get you through what ever may happen!!! HUGS!

[Celena]

My best advice... or how I've handled it...

my first loss I was totally, blissfully ignorant because my midwife said oh you'll never have another miscarriage, ya right!

After my first loss this summer as scary as it seemed the fire and drive was even stronger because I didn't realize how much I really WANTED & felt guilty for not getting excited at first.... we had been trying for I think at that time 15 cycles? My husband was the one with severe baby fever and I of course wanted to give him a child, a piece of us bound by our love, our baby together. Because of the loss years ago being allot older fear plagued my mind so I didn't get excited and now I will forever live with guilt about that... then we got pregnant right away before I even had an AF only to be taken away by a Dr's mistake. And we kept on kept on trying, trying even more so than before... and we concieved this little miracle on Christmas! Only to find out the baby was residing in my left tube and we couldn't let it stay there... this time I've sworn off trying for quiet some time at first and now well at least until they test me, see what's going on inside of me if anything. That strong burning desire wants this body to heal and so we can try again... I think now I'm the one with a stronger baby fever than my husband.

I don't know why I'm making this so long winded... we do very much desire to have a child together and if we're blessed with two even more blessings. However, it's whatever drives you... the wishing, wanting, desire of our own child is so great that it outweighed the fear and the what if's. Trying to be positive and think that ya know it may never happen again, every pregnancy is different and may result in that beautiful healthy splice of ourselves.

If I were you I wouldn't assume you're doomed to having another... of course the fears are going to be there because going thru a pregnancy loss, a loss of a wee babe forever taints your pregnancy views. Some more so or less than others... if your fears are that strong I would suggest asking about testing and seeing if there is any possible issues that would cause you to have another loss, or prevent a future loss by catching any health issues, hormonal imbalances, IF there are any.

Hope this helps you Colleen!

[missy123]

Hi Colleen,

I am 40 and can relate to how you feel about your age... but think about it this way, you haven't even lived half of your life yet! I was the queen of anger and depression after my loss last year but have never really feared TTC. I want another baby so much that it is worth taking the chance.

Best of everything to you.

[momof6lopez]

Im 39, have already been told that my eggs are of very poor quality. Hense, Im even at greater risk of all the things you mentioned. I live in some fear, I cannot deny that, but my desire to have this baby is even greater than when I first started last Jan, after three losses, and being told that even MA would not be a choice for me. I did not give up, Im here, still plugging along, keeping my faith that God will see me through this and in the end, no matter what issues my baby will have if any, he/she is mine, and I will love them unconditionally no matter what. You have to follow your heart, and take this road one day at a time. There were many days, that I gave up. I even scheduled to have my IUD put back in Jan 2010, but God lead me here, to where Iam now. I have to trust that this journey, no matter how long it lasts, was meant to be. Praying for all of us (ttcal girls) to blessed this year with healthy pregnancies, including you honey.

[mafiamom]

thank you all for your replies - it means so much.

[momwithsmiles]

First of all take a deep breath!! Second i know it can be very scary with wondering what if i have another m/c, what if there is something wrong with the baby. I guess each person just has to decide for themselves if that is somthing they want to do. As far as more information on m/c i am no good at it, this was my first one after 3 babies and i am scared to death to try again. But as far as having a baby with Down Syndrome that is my area. I have a beautful 8 year old daughter named Makayla who has Down's. It is very scary and very hard to have a child with special needs issues, but just like any other child they come with some great rewards!! I had her when i was 19 and she was my second baby and we knew before we had her. They actually made me decide in 2 days wether to terminate, adaptions, or to keep her. Any one else in that situation i would not judge but for me i had to keep her she was my child.. I LOVED HER.. Some kids are born with hardly any medical problems and live very ful lives. and some as like mine have a ton of medical problems and have a very low mentality.(she is around a 3 year old level) but none the less a great love of my life. And every kid is different and there are great early on resources out there. I guess why i am writing this is to just releive some of the fear about it. I know it is there and scary, but you never know how strong you are until you are put into that sistuation and you have to be..

[mafiamom]

^^^^^ thank you so much for sharing with me. i really really appreciate it~

[brandimomof2]

I am 35 and know how you feel. My first 2 children came so easily and I had no problems other than being really sick the first trimester. I never expected that I would have problems the 3rd time around. We lost our baby at 14 wks. We found out there was no heartbeat at 11wks 6d. It was very heartbreaking and I was so shocked since I had never had any problems.

I feel like I need to hurry and have a 3rd child before I get any older. Its been a 2yr journey. I am also really scared about having another m/c. It was pretty scary and I never want to go through that again.

I just keep hanging on to my desire to have another child and I believe this is what God wants as well. I feel it so strongly and I dont think I would have this desire if it wasnt from God.
Just hang in there. Someday we will be holding our babies. I just know it.