Sometimes...

JesSsica · #1 February 17th, 2010, 05:49 PM

As all of us know TTC is such an emotional roller coaster. I am happily "on hold" right now as I've posted before. Despite this, there's a small part of me that wishes that I would have O'ed early after our "throw caution to the wind" Valentine's evening. I'm pretty sure I haven't O'ed yet so that's done.

My dh is very adament about no babies right now. In my brain I really, truly am fine with that. It makes sense. I'm the one who convinced him to wait. There are lots of reasons not to have a baby now. Selfishly, there are lots of reason not to have a baby at all. My kids are now 9 1/2 and almost 8. Life is getting pretty easy with them getting more and more independent.

That said, there's still a small part of me that hasn't recovered fully from my losses. Somedays I just wish I'd get pregnant and have a baby so I could stop reasoning why/why not. Everytime my dh uses a condom it almost ticks me off. Despite knowing in my brain it's a good choice. My heart just doesn't really care about my brain's opinions. LOL

I guess I still feel so resentful because my first loss was after total and complete surprise pregnancy that I never even asked for. If that never happened we'd still NOT be in baby mode and I wouldn't be feeling this way.

zkat · #2 February 17th, 2010, 07:40 PM

Jessica - I sooooo hear you and understand you. We went through something similiar after the loss. My thyroid was really, really out of whack and they found 3 nodules that had to be biopsied. While I KNEW ttc was very bad until I got it all back on an even keel, my heart could not handle the truth and kept hoping and wishing that maybe it would happen and then we would just deal with it. Turns out I had a scar blocking my cervix, so it couldn't have happened anyway, but I still went there in my head A LOT.

It all works out though. I honestly believe that. If I had gotten pregnant during that time, I would not have known about the MTHFr mutation - that was not tested until Jan. and I just got the results yesterday, so chances are - I would have had another loss. DH as much as said that he doesn't know if he could handle another loss.

Feel free to put your let your mind wander with us - we all get it and understand.

Kat.

ohnicole · #3 February 17th, 2010, 07:49 PM

I totally get what you mean about not being able to really give up hoping even if you know it's probably a bad idea. Right now, I am out of town from my DH, living at home with my mom to help my sister recover from a stroke. I won't be living back home with DH and my furbabies until at least April. My DH will be graduating in May and might need to move out of town for a job in June. I would have to stay to finish my degree. So we might not be living together for more than a few weeks until fall or winter. To top it off, I just found out I have a prothrombin mutation and will most likely be on Lovenox injections as soon as I get my next BFP.

And in spite of all that, I still cannot bring myself to prevent. It's dumb, but I just can't give it up. I want a baby, despite the inconveniences of the rest of my life. It's a really hard thing to put on hold or give up. And feeling like you have to do that sucks.

JesSsica · #4 February 18th, 2010, 03:35 AM

I keep thinking maybe it's the "you want what you don't have" syndrome. Who knows...

Last night we did it and I was joking about him not needing a condom and he didn't use one. Of course now I'm freaking out thinking about how hard it would be to have a baby and work full time. Oy! I can't be pleased! LOL Secretly though I think I don't care and just want to be pregnant and the reasoning is just probably protecting me from another let down.

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone...

mafiamom · #5 February 18th, 2010, 05:42 AM

so totally not alone! i hope when the time is right for both of you that wonderful sticky healthy BFP pops up

JesSsica · #6 February 18th, 2010, 04:06 PM

Thanks! We'll see how this plays out................. Always such drama in the life of a woman TTC. LOL

mommy x 10 · #7 February 18th, 2010, 06:14 PM

I can relate. We had been NTNP for a long time and then we had kinda started preventing, but not wholeheartedly and I was totally fine with not getting pregnant for awhile since I was in school, then we got a surprise and I was so happy and then so devastated when we lost that little one. Now I so very much want to have another baby. I try to tell myself that it would be fine if it took a bit to get pregnant but in my heart I want a baby so bad. Even though I tell myself its ok each month that AF shows, it really hurts.