[DukesMommy12]

Two days ago, it was 2 months since I had lost my first baby.

Well I heard "Your young, Youll have another one." Like a thousand times...

I know people are trying to be supportive, but seriously... I was kind of attached to the one I had in my womb..

I mean its not like an icecream cone I cant just buy another one. I was in love with my child from the second I saw the line on the hpt....

And I think its really insensitive to say that just because Im young, it makes it easier to have a miscarriage...

[Isabelle]

Hugs.
xxx

[lex1078]

People are clueless when it comes to speaking to someone who's had a loss. You'll hear the same thing over and over. All you need to do is ignore them and smile and nod. I heard some of the worst things in my life after I lost the girls. I still do to this day. (((HUGS)))

[ohnicole]

I'm sorry. That is really one of my least favorite of the 'insensitive, but trying to be supportive' comments. I always wanted to say, "I'm not sad because I think I won't have another baby. I'm sad because I lost this baby."

[zkat]

I heard several things that just broke my heart:

"At least you know you can get pregnant"
"It was God's will" - Really?!?!
"It is for the best - it means something wasn't right"
And the worst - "That's the problem with finding out so early - used to these things would take care of itself before you knew" REALLY?!? I was 9 weeks and it was my step mom that said it, so it's not like I hadn't told her how far along I was or when I was due!

On the flip side - My office knew and I heard some of the most supportive, understanding things during this time. I think the most touching was one of the VP's that is a joker/prankster - you know the guy that always gives you crap for fun. Walked in my office, looked at me and side "We are thinking of you, We love you and if you need us - we are here for you" and walked out. To this day, I cry when I think it because there was so much concern.

[Justjessie]

I could have written this myself.

And, being pregnant again, I hear "Well now you HAVE one so you're not upset about the one you lost."

Oh what, and are you going to tell me next that I love one of the other kids more than another one of them?

Getting pregnant again doesn't mean you are OVER the one you lost. DUH people!!!

[mlyster]

I totally agree with everything that has been written here. I have heard them all... the worst by far was " just keep enjoying life and it will happen" I could have screamed. And all the "it will work out" or "it will be fine" just about killed me.

I think it's why I am hesitating telling anyone. I am not looking forward to the "see I told you it would all be ok" type comments I wil get. Being pregnant again does not take away the losses I have had just like the ability to get pregnant does not magically make the sadness or pain go away.

That is why we all love this board. We have all been there!

[mafiamom]

yep all true.

problem is - unless you have actually gone thru it you A) have no idea what it feels like and therefore B) have no idea what is actually appropriate to say.

i know before i had a loss i would just give hugs, say i was so sorry and tell her i was here if she needed me. i didnt know if it was right or not. i am now VERY glad i never said any of the things that i have since heard, that just make me want to kick someone!

hugs. try to ignore them. they are blissfull in their ignorance.

[Natalie_Snow]

Hugs. They say the same thing to me. I could have written this myself. I try to just ignore them but it hurts.. I will never forget my first baby even if I have another one. I will always love him.
I'm 23 and they say well, "you're too young to have children anyway... enjoy life without kids.. blah blah blah"...

[Kary♥RN]

People want to say something.. that will make them feel better...Not you... Because if they knew what you were going through they wouldn't say the things they do. They know you had a loss... and "feel like they have to say something"... And they really do think they are doing good by saying what they say.... But they are wrong... I am sorry you have to hear other people say such things that really do hurt you more.

[ldovey83]

I too have heard those exact same things and many more, and I agree they are totally NOT helpful.. My best friend said some of the meanest things,, of course she didn't realize they were hurtful because she had never been through a loss let alone two.. So I had to just stop talking to her for a few days and when I felt better I woud talk to her again until she said something else that upset me.. HUGS hun..

[keevasmom]

yah I too get the "your still young, you'll have another one"
I agree with Kary they just say it to make themselves feel better.

[SkyBaby]

I totally and completely agree and understand how you feel. I get the exact same things. I don't feel like I can't get pregnant, I just miss the one I lost, DANG IT. Get a freaking CLUE people.

Even my husband has completely given it to God and is at peace about it. I'm not. I don't think I'll ever be. I can't give it to God if I feel like it was "his will" to begin with know what i mean? What if it's "his will" for me to have another loss?

[jojo1207]

Sucks, I know. People mean well but the comments are not always thought through well.. my own husband is guilty of some pretty tactless comments which is specifically hurtful - I let him have the clueless man trump card though. As a mom with a couple kids all ready, my personal favorite - "look at all the kids you all ready have, you don't need anymore anyway.".

I'd like to say "What if it was my husband that I lost? Would you just say, oh, you're young, you can find another?" No way. That would be considered insensitive.

Hugs girl.

[Isabelle]

Originally Posted by sctschk

- "look at all the kids you all ready have, you don't need anymore anyway.".

.

Seriously..I'd be in jail if someone said this to me....I'd have to kill them.
God...there are some thoughtless, idiotic people around. Ugh.

I could write a book from comments people make. It only gets worse too...especially same gender children (all boy family)....sheesh....you should here what people say to me.

[LisaG825]

I had a friend that brought up adoption after she found out I have to get bw done weekly until my bhcg is neg. Then monthly for up to a year. What made it worse is I told her we weren't thinking about it right now and she wouldn't stop and she is pg. right now.

[Trish36]

HUGS!!
I have 3 kids already and I've also heard the 'be thankful for what you have' crap. But the wors comment came from one of the girls at work. She actually said to me "where you going to keep it?". Seriously I had no comment for that, I was utterly speechless and just said 'OF COURSE". How can someone ask me that? Ugh! people are just idiots sometimes.

[ma2b2010]

Snicole - I'm sorry for your loss. *hugs* I too have heard that and many more... and from my own mother! However, i know she just means well and she wants me to stay positive.

And that's where I'm gonna have to disagree with those who think people are saying these things just to make them feel better. I think people are simply trying to make an effort to make you feel better... however, some people just don't know what to say when the subject matter is so sensitive. Had I not gone through my M/C, I may have said something similar to make a friend feel better. Heck, before getting pregnant, I used to ask married couples when they'd start baby-making... which now I know, is a question I will never ask again because of how common miscarriages are! bottom line is, people care and want to find the right words to say. Unfortunately, most just don't get it.

[BigGrin]

I wish someone would make a PSA on TV to either simply say, "I'm sorry" or just remain silent. While some people may mean well they are just piling more pain on pain when saying some of the comments listed here. I think the worst question/comment was from my MIL, she asked, "What did you do wrong?" Then later she said, "It must be a weakness in your womb."

In her defence there is a bit of a language barrier but honestly, that can't sound good in her language either.

[EJsMommy]

Originally Posted by zkat

I heard several things that just broke my heart:

"At least you know you can get pregnant"
"It was God's will" - Really?!?!
"It is for the best - it means something wasn't right"
And the worst - "That's the problem with finding out so early - used to these things would take care of itself before you knew" REALLY?!? I was 9 weeks and it was my step mom that said it, so it's not like I hadn't told her how far along I was or when I was due!

On the flip side - My office knew and I heard some of the most supportive, understanding things during this time. I think the most touching was one of the VP's that is a joker/prankster - you know the guy that always gives you crap for fun. Walked in my office, looked at me and side "We are thinking of you, We love you and if you need us - we are here for you" and walked out. To this day, I cry when I think it because there was so much concern.

This is what I have heard as well but not from my mom but from "friends" that tried to be well meaning and had no clue on what to say. One that really erked me was a statement made: My friend went through something similar and she decided to get 2 dogs for comfort. I have just gotten a dog and if you want to you come by and meet him. What really???? I just lost my baby and I am not interested seeing your "stupid" dog. Don't take me wrong I love dogs but an animal will not take the place of a lost baby.
I lost my baby at 20 weeks to an abnormal placenta. Alot of friends rallied around us that time and still do and most of them are very supportive and considerate.