[Love-Bug]

Hello my name is Heather. DH and I found out we had lost our baby last Wednesday and had a D & C on Thursday night. I have been a lurker on the September 2010 DDC and on here since we lost our baby. Its sad that when I finally have the courage to post it has to be about sad news. Our story begins like this:

We recently got married in October. My sister in law and I both have wanted to TTC again. So after talking to our husbands we decided it was time to do try some baby making. They got pregnant the first month of trying and we got our BFP on Jan. 17th. This is DH first baby and we were both shocked and excited mostly because we had just found out SIL and his brother were 8 wks preggo too!! We were so happy and so concentrated on doing everything right. But in hindsight I kept having these feelings like something would go wrong. I have experienced loss before I have an incompetant cervix and lost my first DD at 24 wks. So I was prepared that a loss was possible but later in the pregnancy I never have problems early on. But that didn't stop me from telling DH my biggest fear was the baby wouldn't have a beartbeat. He told me I was being silly everything would be fine like I told him I never have problems in the beginning. We patiently waited the long weeks until the Dr would finally see us at 8 weeks, Finally our appointment came I was suppose to be exactly 8 weeks on Feb. 17th. I got off early from work so excited because we were going to get an ultrasound and see our baby. (My husband had the appointment scheduled on all our calendars and his phone for weeks it was so sweet to see him so excited) We get to our apointment and after reviewing our medical history our dr. brings us into the room to do the exam to lighten the mood she asks how long we have been together and how we met for the record it is a very cute story and I will tell it one day to you ladies. But when many people find out we have been together less than a year they are kinda taken back but after hearing us tell our story they always give us the aww and the that is stuff that only happens in movies. Anyways as we are finishing the story she starts the transvaginal ultrasound and immediatly I realize my worst fear just came true. I started freaking out and crying and my husband says baby its ok we don't know anything yet and the Dr, is quite trying to get a better picture but she doesn't need to tell me what I already know the baby is measuring smaller than it should and there is no heartbeat. Our baby has died and my body hasn't figured it out yet. She gives us big hugs and says she wants to send us to a better ultrasound today to be sure and she is very sorry and to take all the time we need. I broke down and so did DH. Its like even though I knew nothing prepares you for that an hour ago I was so happy and everyone family, co-workers, friends couldn't wait to see pictures and hear all about it. How do I tell everyone? I can't even accept it!!

They couldn't get us into the the other office until 11:30 the next morning. Let me tell you it was a long night of tears and hopes that maybe they were wrong. Or I was wrong and messed up my dates which wasn't possible in any way. It was finally time for our appointment and while it is being done the Dr. is as nice as he can be but he confirms our babys heart had stopped at 6 wks 4 days and a D & C is needed. We were prepared for that so we head back to our Dr's office and I explain to her I want a D&C ASAP I want to get it over with an move on. Her being the awesome Dr. she is says well we can schedule it for tomorrow and I told her no I made sure I havent ate or drank a thing since last night. She freaked because by now it is 2 in the afternoon. But she knew I was serious then. She said ok I will call the hospital and see if they have room for you. They did so she sent me over there for pr-ops and said she would be there after she finished in the office after 5. By 5:30 I'm being prepped in the surgery room and beng told she is on her way.

I woke up in pain and empty. But had DH by my side. He took me home and has been taking care of me ever since. Sometimes I feel bad because he never tells me to get over it or doesn't let me talk about my feelings. There is nothing I can't ask for that he wouldn't get. And I should feel lucky I do. But I still feel empty and alone. I still want to shut him out. And I feel bad he hasn't been able to grieve he has no one to talk to :'( And to top it all off our work hasn't been so supportive. My work is really strict too many tardies and absences can get you fired and effect raises and promotions. I didn't get hired after I came on as a temp for almost 6 months because I took 3 sick days since I started. I know I have a Dr's note and I shouldn't get in trouble but I know they are mad. I was suppose to go back today but the when I tried to get up to get ready I freaked. I started crying hystically and started panicking. I can't face anyone. I don't want to go out in public. Is this normal? When does this part go away? How long after your losing your babies did it take before you could go back to work? Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated!!

Sorry this is so long but thank you for listening!!

[Kary♥RN]

Oh Heather HUGS... I am so sorry for your loss.... HUGS.. In my siggy below thier is a link for the Pregnancy loss board.. Please stop over there also.

For me it was easier going back to work... Since I had my surgery at the hospital (yes I hippa no one should of known.. But the OR list hangs on the wall) So they all seen my name and for a d/e.... So yes a few people asked how I was feeling since they didn't know.. but the majority knew. That was my second loss....

My first loss no one knew about.. I started to m/c 36 hours after I got my BFP. My third loss... I was very careful. when I told people... I was expecting.. that we know my history... and (I didn't have a good feeling) And it turned out that my numbers were not rising. After this loss... I shut everyone out.. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't want to go out, I didn't want to see people.. I didn't want people to see me.

Advice... talk to people who understand..... With your SIL being pregnant... Be honest with your feeling... Don't pretend to be OK... if your not... My SIL was 2 1/2 week ahead of were I should have been with my second loss.. And it was hard. Please PM (Private Message) me if you need to talk.. or I can PM you my private e-mail if you would perfer.

All the ladies on here know what you are going through..... So we are here for you.. HUGS

[lex1078]

So sorry for your loss. Grieving is a natural part of life and every one goes through it differently. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. Take your time recovering from this. Also, try to be there for DH. Let him talk to you about is feelings if he ever lets them out. (Some men don't.) I don't work, so I never "had to go back" but it was hard just facing friends and family afterwards. In your own time, things will get better.

[mafiamom]

bless your heart. i too had the "no fetal heart beat" u/s experience and there is nothing like it in the world. it's absolutely take your breath away kind of pain. so very very sorry you had to go thru that. no woman ever should.

my thoughts and prayers are with you. i know how hard it is to face everyone - to have to explain it over and over, to watch people fumble with responses. i found the sympathy very hard to take. i hope things start to get a bit better for you.

huge huge hugs~

[BeccaM]

Heather I am so sorry for your loss. I also belonged to the Sept DDC and suffered my loss on 2/12. I know how hard it is going back to work. Fortunatly for me work has been very supporative and understanding. I do have some days where I just dont want to get out of bed or I cry myself through my shower in the mornings when Im alone. Best thing is to talk about how your feeling. Your not alone in this. We are all here for you.

[dreamer10]

I am so sorry for you loss. It's so heartbreaking to have to go through this kind of thing. I think the other ladies suggestions are wonderful and definitely do not feel bad for grieving. It's just a normal part of life. Good luck and keep talking...that will help you. It's wonderful to have places like this to go and share with others the sadness you feel. Good luck!

[Isabelle]

Welcome, hugs and hi

So sorry for your loss. I was in the Sept 2010 DDC also. You sound similar to me. I had to have the D&C done THAT DAY. I hadn't eaten or drank and I just wanted it done.

I can relate to you on so many levels.

Scream, cry, grieve and do what you need to do. Hugs a million.

xxx

[SkyBaby]

Oh I'm so sorry.. It's different for everyone honey. I still cry sometimes. I didn't want to go anywhere for about 2 weeks afterwards. I'm so happy I didn't have a job when I lost my baby. I had gotten laid off just days before losing my baby. I couldn't have handled it too.

Feel what you need to feel and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Cry when you need to. I'm not sure what to tell you for your work, though. I would probably do my best to ask for time off and go back when I'm ready. I work retail. I'm around all kinds of baby stuff. It took me a few months before I could even step foot in here, let alone work. I started my job around 3 months ago. Maybe it's time to start looking for another job at some point?

We all understand and post as often as you want. We'll be here for you when you need someone to talk to.

[Natalie_Snow]

I am so sorry hun . {hugs}
I did not want to talk to anyone for about 10 days. I did not want to go in public. I couldn't stand talking to people who knew about my pregnancy. I lost him on December,2 and I know my husband was very sad in the beginning. But he seemed fine in just a couple of days. I refused to celebrate Christmas. Two weeks after m/c I went to the baby section of the store and it made me cry a lot right in the store. I couldn't believe I wasn't pregnant anymore, I couldn't believe that I will not hold my baby in July...

I feel better now, so it does get better with time. Posting here helped me too as ladies here know what we are going through, as none of my relative could really relate to my experience. My friends'/relatives' words did not help me and made me feel worse.
Naming my baby helped me. crying helps a lot too!

i am sorry!

[JesSsica]

I'm so sorry... I was a part of the September board also but that pregnancy ended in a chemical pregnancy. Since I was due 9-1-10 I was one of the early ones arriving to the board so no one really remembers me I don't think.

My pregnancy before that was similar to yours in that I went in for an u/s and came out with devastating news. It was a 12 week u/s for me and my baby only measured 10 weeks, 2 days and had no h/b. This was a Thursday and their Friday schedule was full. I had to carry my baby until Monday morning. It was the longest, saddest weekend of my life. I was so worried about delivering at home and getting really upset about that. My sister, a nurse, said that I just had to go to labor and delivery, tell them I was scheduled for Monday morning and they would take care of it if I went into labor. That comforted me a lot.

I already was off of work the Thursday and Friday before the weekend because my kids didn't have school so I missed Monday and Tuesday. Monday for the surgery and Tuesday to sit home and feel sad. My best friend came over, took me to breakfast and watched movies with me all day Tuesday so that helped me a lot. I went back to work Wednesday and it was a sad day. I got through it though. I needed my routine to get my mind off of things since I'd already been home for 6 days.

Good luck to you. I'm so, so sorry. Time will help. It's amazing when we just know in our guts.

[tobi4]

wow, another of us from the sept board. Im so sorry for your loss...
I started bleeding on Tues feb 9th and lost the baby on the 10th. I took 2 days off and returned to work on Fri. I was feeling ok physically and I knew that if I didnt go back that it was because I felt like hiding and I think the longer you hide yourself away the harder it becomes to go back. Im glad I went back when I did. The concern and support was needed and appreciated, that I received from my coworkers. Its what worked best for me. You do whatever you feel you need to do, for yourself. You know yourself better than anyone, but I hope this helped.

[ohnicole]

I am so sorry for your loss. It is really heartbreaking to miscarry a baby.

I also had a missed miscarriage. We had seen a heartbeat on u/s at 7 weeks, and everything seemed to be going fine- morning sickness was going strong and uterus was growing normally, etc. At 12 weeks I thought I was getting a yeast infection, so I made a doctor's appointment. I had been really calm throughout the pg, but the night before I kind of freaked out. I asked DH to come with me because I had seen girls in my DDC posting about going to a 12 week ultrasound and finding no heartbeat. I told him I was being crazy but I couldn't help it.

I wasn't being crazy. We couldn't find a heartbeat on the Doppler, and the ultrasound showed the baby had stopped growing at 8w6d. It was the worst day of my life. I am sorry you had to go through a similar loss.

I stayed off from work for the next few days and had a D&C. When I did return, I had a hard time. The day I returned a co-worker's baby was born and they named him our chosen boy name. My BF at work also had her baby that week, at the same hospital where I had my D&C. It was a horrible week, and I spent a lot of time in the bathroom at work, crying. I didn't really eat at all for 7-10 days (it was bad enough that DH got really mad at me). I think everyone just deals with it differently.

But after that first hump things slowly got better. Sadness changed to anger, then I slowly started letting go. I hope you get to a better place soon.

[Celena]

Heather, I'm sorry to welcome you to our board but I AM glad that you came here because you've come to the right place.

There is so much that you've said that really jerked out emotions making me cry because it is so much of what I feel in my heart, have felt as well.I am so incrediably sorry for how you're feeling emotionally and physically. There's no greater pain than this is seems... Heather my heart goes out to you and while I know that is no consolation. It's *ok* to feel the way you do, you've gone thru an extreme life altering painful loss... it is a loss, a death as a dr had put it to me as well as saying DO NOT let anyone tell you "it's not really a loss" or "get over it" or any number of INsensitive things that they say. It's your baby, your loss and you take the time you need to grieve, heal and recover. Everyone is different and they go thru emotional loss and physical loss in such different ways.

I want to share some things that I had posted in the "Pg loss & TTCAL info spot" that really spoke to my heart thru my losses, hope that it might make sense to you and help you heal in some way even if it is tiny... just want to pass along something that might make your grieving & pain make sense, if that makes sense?

"Before I Even Met You" Grieving a Miscarriage ("Before I Even Met You" (Grieving A Pregnancy Loss))

Coping with Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss (Coping with Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss)

Miscarriage, Dealing with the Emotional Impact (Miscarriage – Dealing With the Emotional Impact)

[Love-Bug]

Thank You so much ladies for taking the time to read our story and share your experiences and advice. It means the world to me!! I wanted to write you all back yesterday but DH is trying to keep me "busy" and my mind off of things. I'm attempting to go back wo work today. Wish me Luck and I will be back tonight to let you know if I made it through the day!! Have an awesome day Ladies!!

[BeccaM]

I hope you have a good day at work. KUP on how your day goes.

[ohnicole]

Good luck with your work day- and if you need a private time out, take one if you can.

[mafiamom]

thinking of you right now! i hope work went ok for you today.

[LisaG825]

I am so sorry for your loss. I m/c @ 15w4d. I had 4 u/s and was told everything was going great until I went in for high bp and they couldn't find a hb. It took me about 3-4 weeks to finally get back to work. I work at a school so it was really hard. Everyone is different. I think it is great that you are trying to go back to work. Let us know how everything goes.