[mafiamom]

i dont feel sad, but i am aware that tears are right there.... so close to the surface. i tear up at so much now - not just sad or touching things. it is really ticking me off and i wish i knew what was causing it. do you think there are still hormonal issues from my last pregnancy at play here? even tho my levels have been at zero for a long time now - are there other pregnancy hormones that can linger on?

i just want to have some control over my emotions again. do you think i am emotional b/c what my body really wants to do is just bawl all the time and i am not letting it happen? am i really still that raw inside? like i said, i dont FEEL bad - consciously anyway, but something just doesnt seem right.

any thoughts?

[BeccaM]

Aww Colleen.. Im sorry your having a rough time of it.. I wish I could offer some comfort. I was always an emotional one before I was pregnant (I was the one always crying at the silly commercials) and now I think its worse. I dont know why, maybe hormones are still messed up.. I hope you find some answers. HUGS!

[dreamer10]

I think the emotions are there even though you think you are fine. I keep saying..."I'm fine" to people...but then I cried at the end of the movie "Cars" when watching with my son. I don't think I am fine...I think I just want to be fine and so that's what I keep telling everyone. Give yourself some time. Sink yourself into something you love....family, friends, service or a hobby. There has to be something that can help to heal all the hurt and pain....good luck....

[martilynne]

I'm one of those people that does not like to show emotion around others. This last lost has been so hard on me that I have only left the house once since we lost her almost a month ago. It is easier to stay home by myself than have to hide my emotions in front of others. All I do is sit at home and cry. Maybe it is leftover pregnancy hormones, but if you ask me we all deserve to be sad after a loss without having to blame it on hormones.

[EJsMommy]

Colleen,
I do not think it is hormones at all. What I think it is just pent up hurt and real deep disappointment. That is how I feel. It is just there and I can feel it in myself.
It might be good to let the tears come up and let it all out.
You have been there for me many times so if you need to talk to someone I am here for you.

[zkat]

I went through a period of several months after my miscarriage where I was on the verge of tears, always. It probably took 4-5 months to start to feel less sad. It's just like what you said, nothing is wrong and there is no reason, but I felt so heavy and down. I never felt like laughing.

The grieving process is unique for everyone and you are grieviing - it is no different that losing a parent or a spouse.

I am here for you if you need it.

Kat.

[Isabelle]

Massive hugs Colleen.

[aitch]

I've suffered true depression twice in my life and it's truly something I would never wish upon anyone. Right now, it's taking everything I have not to let myself fall back into it again. Here are some of the markers, apart from wanting to cry, that always signal my fall:

Wanting to sleep
A loss of interest in everything, work, keeping my house tidy, food (though I want to eat!), sex, honestly just everything.
I have also been through stages of wanting everything to be completely perfect and when they're not, I'm really dissatisfied.

The real killer is when there's no joy or light in your life - truly none. If you can say that, call your doctor. Antidepressants aren't fun and I hate being on them but they've helped me to get back to a "normal" in the past.

Don't be afraid of talking to your doctor. It's hard and every time I've felt like I was admitting I was losing control. Last time though, I wound up pregnant!

PM me if you want to talk - I've felt really alone in the past and just wanted someone who wouldn't judge. If that's what you need, let me know.

Hugs
Aitch

[mmllhh]

Honey, you need to give yourself a break and be emotional. It's ok. You've been thru something traumatic, so any feelings you have are completely normal. Don't judge yourself, just grieve. Having been thru 4 losses, i can tell you, that the sad days creep up on you and you have to allow yourself to have these emotions. We are here for you, PM me if you need it.

[Celena]

Colleen honey my heart goes out to you!!!!

check your inbox

[ohnicole]

Honestly, I feel like I am just different since my loss- and I'm almost 6 months out. Before my loss I never was an emotional person, I could have probably counted on my fingers the number of times I had cried in my life. And of course I did my share of crying in the couple months after my loss. I was pretty much a mess. I would say that starting around 3 months out, I started feeling much more like myself again.

But since then, I have noticed instances of what you're describing, Colleen. Where I will be totally fine, going about my business, and then I am suddenly close to tears over something that's not even sad. And there are times when this happens in public, in front of people I would NEVER cry in front of.

I wouldn't be surprised if I am suppressing some emotions. I tend to cope by just focusing on what I can control and change and being active rather than spending time being emotional. Maybe the same is true for you, and you kind of want to just move forward and not dwell on it IRL?

Good luck with figuring out what is going on behind your emotions. Hugs. And we are all here if you need to talk.

[mafiamom]

nicole,

you just described me to the proverbial "T". every single thing you said was right on.

I wouldn't be surprised if I am suppressing some emotions. I tend to cope by just focusing on what I can control and change and being active rather than spending time being emotional. Maybe the same is true for you, and you kind of want to just move forward and not dwell on it IRL?

this is me. i hate crying in front of others. silly but true. that is why i was so much better at talking about my loss with people who were matter of fact instead of huggy and sympathetic. the sympathy i couldnt handle. i wanted to look at this rationally (you knew the odds, tons of women m/c before 12 weeks, you are older, etc), like i do most things. realize it wasnt me, acknowledge that it was very sad, move on and try again. sound cold? maybe, but that is how i am built.

i cried a lot during my m/c. the only time i cried in FRONT of someone was my mil and fil - they were with me when i found out. after that - i didnt cry again unless i was alone. is it wrong to want your grief to be private? does it HAVE to mean that you arent dealing with it just cause you arent crying to everyone who brings it up?

i think a huge part of my problem is that i am in the TWW. i may be pregnant again already (tho i doubt it) and if i am - i will be afraid. afraid to be happy, totally obsessed with every piece of TP, holding my breath til.... when? 10 wks? 12 wks? 20 wks? when will it be ok to let it be "ok".

i loved being pregnant the first time. it wasnt just about having the baby for me. it was the wonder of knowing daily i was growing another soul. i relished it. now, in my mind, that is COMPLETELY ruined for me. i know there have to be other girls here who wish they could just snap their fingers and hold a babe in their arms. forgo the whole pregnancy experience cause it brings nothing but extreme worry and stress...... and now that will be me as well. i feel robbed of a truly wonderful experience that i wanted to have once again! i am not only mourning the loss of a baby, but i am now mourning the loss of loving every single day of a 40 week pregnancy - something that REALLY meant a lot to me.

as i write this, i think i have hit the nail on the head. basically i am just full of fear that i will have another loss and now that i am back in ttc mode - i have to face that fear head on.

you girls are so wonderful. if you got this far - i just love you to pieces thanks for listening to me free associate as i have just done. you all are helping me more then you know

[ohnicole]

Colleen, are we the same person?

I'm glad you were able to work through some of what you're stressing about. And isn't it funny when you've detached yourself from your emotions so much that you've made figuring it out and dealing with it a rational process?

I never really wanted to admit it, but after my loss, what I was most sad about wasn't really the loss of my baby (it was still a little abstract at that point), but the loss of the rest of my chance to grow my baby. I had already imagined how fun it would be to go to someone's wedding with a belly, or feel the baby kick, or to go register for my shower, or to spend Christmas huge and entering my third trimester. And I was so frustrated that it had been taken away.

I have the same fears as you for my next BFP- that I will be so terrified that the whole pg will be something to get through instead of something to enjoy. That I will be detached from the pg just to protect myself. I keep telling myself that I am going to control that, that when I feel scared I am just going to take a deep breath and go do something that makes me even more connected, like buying a baby blanket. That if I'm ever thinking about doing something happy/excited/fun related to the pg and I think, "We can't do that because what if it's another m/c?" then I will make myself do it because the baby deserves it. And because I deserve to enjoy my pg.

But we all know that when I'm really in it, it will be terrifying. And who knows what I will do. I think my time to deal with it will come after a BFP. Ugh.