[sweetgirl51305]

Idk if it's cuz I was further along, or if it's 'cuz it was my 2nd time having a m/c, but I feel like I'm taking this one harder than last time. I think I feel more angry than last time. It's just not fair. I've had 2 babies taken away from me and these teenagers get pg and have perfect pregnancies and babies. Everytime I see a baby I get angry because it's just not fair that they got to have their babies and I didn't. I want a baby, but idk if I can handle another m/c. I had a hard time sleeping last night 'cuz I was thinking about getting another tattoo, but this one symbolizing the 2 babies, and I saw a pic of a baby that a woman m/c at 6 wks. It got me all upset 'cuz I saw my baby in the toilet, and I couldn't bare to flush it so I had to get dh to do it. I know it may sound weird but I felt guilty for not taking mine out and looking at it and maybe getting a picture of it like she did. Idk what my problem is. Is it possible to get postpartum depression after a m/c? I try to put on a happy face around family, but when I'm alone I cry. Just 'cuz it's not fair that God took these babies away from me. Sorry guys for being a downer. Just needed to vent to someone....

[JesSsica]

I'm so, so sorry... It's never easy. I'm so sorry about about your losses. I've also had two losses and it really does make you angry and a little jealous of other people who get to hold and snuggle their babies.

It sounds like your experience was so hard. In my opinion a picture would be hard to look at. I tend to internalize the bad moments and just store them away though so I wouldn't want the reminder. Don't be hard on yourself...

I hope that your stay here is really short and your next BFP comes quickly and successfully. I'm sorry.

[KAB]

I understand your feelings, there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about how my angels are gone and there are people that don't even want baby's and can get pregant so easily. It's not fair that we can't be excited anymore when we see a bfp, and constantly feel scared that we will lose yet another one. I think that feeling sad and angry are normal, but we just have to keep hope that someday it will happen for us.

I'm glad you came here to vent.

[*Maddie&Jacobs*Mommy*]

Vent whenever you need to! We're here for you!

[ldovey83]

We all know what you are going through.. When I had my second loss I took it totally differently.. I was still upset but it took longer for me to get over it and I had more anger and I wondered the exact same things.. We are here for you hun.. Vent how ever much you want.. Cry scream let it out. Don't keep it bottled up.. I will be praying for you and I am so so sorry that you have to go through this again hun..

[j&jmom]

first of all <<hugs>> and i am so sorry you have to go through this a second time. do not apologize for being a "downer" we have all been where you are and the loss of your baby is really hard. I remember crying every time I went to the bathroom and saw all the blood. I couldn't hardly bear it! I still am sad when af comes. I just pray that someday will be my day to celebrate a baby and I try to think of the day when I can hold my baby in my arms.

[ohnicole]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to have 2 losses. After 1 loss, I felt so angry and so sad. It is just a horrible thing to have to go through. Please know that we are all here for you. Hugs.

[dreamer10]

I am so sorry hun. There is nothing you have described that in not normal. Everything you are experiencing is ok...be sad, mad, hurt, angry...whatever. You just lost your second child and you have the right to have all those emotions. Sadness especially...just allow yourself those feelings. I know that the thought of going through this again seems unbearable but I would not make any decisions right now about what to do in the future with babies...just let yourself grieve this one right now. Give yourself some time. Make sure you keep coming back here for love and support too. It's so good to have these ladies who can help and love you through it...

[~Lynda~]

i felt that way too, but someone i know told me that God needed my babies up there more than they were needed down here. I felt comforted in that! I also had a psychic tell me that there were two small children around me (this was when i had only had two losses - i now have had three) but that these children were together and they were happy and around me! I felt so much better after hearing that. you have to find a way to be ok with it. it always hurts, but i can look at the sky and know they are together and happy! i wish you peace and the strength to move forward, trying again! HUGS

[mafiamom]

i have nothing but the deepest respect for women with multiple losses. sound strange? i dont think so. that is a woman who has endured one of the most painful things EVER. and not just once. a woman who has suffered heartbreak so completely it truly is almost physical pain. to suffer like that and come out the other side - battle worn and scarred, but by God, still going.....to me that is the true definition of strength.

before i had my loss i always felt sad for women who had m/c, but i never really GOT it.... until you experience it you have no way of knowing the huge and i mean HUGE range of emotions that are experienced. it is indescribable.

i had one loss. it was devastating. for those of you who have suffered multiple losses - you have my heartfelt sorrow and utmost respect. always.

[Celena]

I'm sorry Lindsay!

I've been right there in your spot as well (so have many of us) where the grief takes on a new face and that face is ANGER. The inability to look at pregnant women, newborns, babies in general, hear or see anything pregnancy/baby related because our grieving, sadness and depression is overwhelming because it is so fresh. You're only on day 4, you're going to go thru these feelings... it sucks to feel that way, but it's part of healing as cliche as that sounds. It takes us a long time to get past it, some less than others because they find some peace faster. Altho it will always be there in hearts, they may be gone but not forgotten.

To be entirely honest with you.... I do also feel and felt the same way as you, but in reality something I realized is those "crappy" people & young teens having kids are dealing with a whole set of issues that we don't know, a set of problems that we cannot understand why they may not want it... it's so foregin to us because we're all trying so HARD AFTER A LOSS(ES) to HAVE a baby of our own. It's not for us to judge whether or not they deserve it, whether or not they're good parents, whether or not they're not struggling with something themselves that isn't apparent. Perhaps there's some life lesson in there for them to learn? Who knows, we certainly don't.

You do DESERVE to have a healthy pregnancy and baby, you do! And one day you will... in the mean time you have to allow yourself to greive and heal from this loss of your little one. It's not an easy over night thing either... there's going to be those days when everything triggers you, there's going to be emotions running so deep that you don't want to be around anyone, feel like you're so alone and miserable.... but you're not alone, we've all expereinced it and we can help you thru these times. Don't expect your family and friends to understand unless they themselves have personally gone thru it. Be gentle on yourself.... don't blame yourself... don't blame anyone... it happened, more than likely either chromosomal OR implantation problems. 25% of pregnancies end in a loss. Pretty high number considering there's only a 20% window each month! So there is far more than society talks about...

It's OK to be sad around your family and friends, or not even come into contact with them because it's too much on your right now. You do YOU! That's what's important... this is one of the most devastating things for a woman to go thru... it's like a stillbirth or a loss of a young child; pregnancy loss / miscarriage if felt very much the same way. (A doctor told me this during my 3rd loss w/DH in the hospital back in Feb'10) If the depression gets to be too much, try to see a professional, it will work WONDERS. Many have, myself included.

So Lindsay I'm going to suggest to you some reading, when you're up for it...

Miscarriage Surviving Emotionally (Miscarriage ~ Surviving Emotionally)

Coping with Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss (Coping with Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss)

Men & Women Greive Differently (Men and Women Grieve Differently)

Stillbirth, Miscarriage and Infant Death Greif and Emotions (Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Infant Death (grief & emotions))

Miscarriage Dealing with the Emotional Impact (Miscarriage – Dealing With the Emotional Impact)

Before I even Met You, greiving a pregnancy loss ("Before I Even Met You" (Grieving A Pregnancy Loss))

These might help you, they helped me so I shared with everyone... there's a whole section in the sub-forum up top called "Pregnancy Loss & TTCAL Info Spot" you might find some other informative, helpful things.

Pregnancy Loss & TTCAL Info Spot - JustMommies Message Boards


Again, much love thoughts and blessings to you...

[mommie2many]

I know how you feel, my 1st m/c I was hurt,upset. My 2nd m/c I was angry, why did this happen again. I still to this day have a hard time. (((hugs)))

[martilynne]

I am so sorry for your loss.

When we lost Lilly (our 3rd loss) I did not leave the house for an entire month. I thought the same thing as you, did I grieve more because I was so much further along than ever before or was it because it was my third loss? I don't know the answer to that I just knew that it hurt like I've never hurt before.

[sweetgirl51305]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I think I'm going to take a break from JM. Everytime I get on here I get depressed. But other things are making me depressed too. My friend just had a baby yesterday and everytime I go on facebook I see her ultrasound picture and her babys pics. So that's hard. But right now everything's hard for me. But thank you everyone for your thoughts. It really helps to have some support.

[Natalie_Snow]

I know how you feel. I feel exactly the same way, except that my first pregnancy i was further along and i was crazy in love with that baby... I'd grown so attached to that baby...
I had to take it slower (and not be so overly excited) during my second pg and even though I was happy to join November DDC... & i was cautious.

I go to my community network and my best friend's sister just had a baby... now she posts updates several times a day... I am so happy for her...but I miss my babies so much..

We are here for you hon, but if you need to take time off JM it's understandable. that's what I did after my m/c...