Don't understand WHY DH doesn't understand WHY I am not my old self yet

BabyAthena · #1 April 9th, 2010, 04:59 PM

So I am just not ready to go to B-day parties and go see family and friends because I am just not okay yet. He is back to normal and ready to move on. But I can't just pretend everything is fine. Also don't want to burst out into tears if someone says the wrong thing like: Are u gonna have an other one? I know I can't hide forever but maybe just a little longer at least until I can talk about this without crying. I should add that I am getting better just not quite there yet.

I love my husband and he is very supportive but I don't think he knows that it just might take me a little longer....sigh...

zkat · #2 April 9th, 2010, 05:31 PM

I have always said, a baby is a realty for a women the moment she sees the BFP, but it is not reality for men until they are holding a newborn. Our loss was beginning of Sept. and in Dec. I was still crying a lot. DH actually asked me if there was something wrong with him, because he is still sad, but not all bummed out all the time. I told him no - it's just different for men and women.

In your own time, when you are ready.

Kat.

Kary♥RN · #3 April 9th, 2010, 06:26 PM

oh HUGS.... I am so sorry that you are going through this... I was the same way... and still am somet times. My DH just dosen't get it... I had three losses and with every loss it was worse and worse.... I would go deeper and deeper... than the third loss... I didn't want to do anything.. watch TV, go anywere, out to dinner, out with friends... I didn't even want to talk on the phone, text or even e-mail. And dh just couldn't understand... and it really put a strain on our relationship.. since he wanted the happy person I was before...and he just can't understand I will never be that same person again... I am a new person. A mother of three Angels.

martilynne · #4 April 9th, 2010, 06:43 PM

I also took longer to heal than my husband. Honestly I don't think I will ever even be able to be around babies until I'm pregnant again.

*Maddie&Jacobs*Mommy* · #5 April 9th, 2010, 07:09 PM

I hope you can find healing soon!
I know when I had my m/c, DH just couldn't understand why I was so upset for longer over something "I couldn't control". I just think men don't think babies are "real" until they are holding them....

ohnicole · #6 April 9th, 2010, 07:53 PM

I'm sorry you and DH aren't on the same page right now.

My DH and I also had some issues with grieving at different paces after our loss. There was a pretty rough patch about 2 months after our loss, where it seemed to me like DH was pretty much over it, and I was still soooooo depressed. There was one night when I just left the house and walked around the mall for no reason because I just didn't feel like trying to explain why I was frustrated again.

But after we hit bottom with that, things started getting better, slowly. They just experience it differently. I hope you guys start getting closer to the same emotional place soon.

BabyAthena · #7 April 10th, 2010, 11:43 AM

Thank you all. It helps to hear your stories.

hollann1984 · #8 April 10th, 2010, 01:19 PM

Dh and i are the same way. One of his cousins girlfriend( whom i have never met) is having a baby shower and i wont go. He doesnt totally understand why, and neither does his family and its upsetting.

BabyAthena · #9 April 10th, 2010, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hollann1984

Dh and i are the same way. One of his cousins girlfriend( whom i have never met) is having a baby shower and i wont go. He doesnt totally understand why, and neither does his family and its upsetting.

I wouldn't be able to go to a baby shower either right now. Maybe you could send a gift with DH and say that you would love to be there to celebrate but you're going through a difficult time right now. I am sure any mother-to-be would understand that.

I told DH today how I feel about all this and that it will take me a while to be myself. Also added that my body isn't back to normal yet. I am tired of explaining but it helped him understand and I think he might be a little more patient now.

SkyBaby · #10 April 10th, 2010, 09:31 PM

I'll have to say, this is one thing we're in agreement with. He cried as hard as I did for a couple days after we miscarried. He talks about our baby a lot, and says he loved him too (early loss, but gut feeling I was having a boy). He gets chocked up even now sometimes when I talk about all the pregnant girls are work. He seems sad about it, but not really all these what ifs and feelings of doubt. He seems more at peace than I am. I do understand what you're talking about. I'm sorry he's not being more understanding. BabyAthena had a great idea! Good luck!