[moegomes]

Hello Ladies..

A lady suggested I come on this board. I thought I would come and meet some of you.

I am TTC to conceive at the moment. I have 2 beautiful healthy precious boys. I had a loss on March 15, 2006. I went to therapy for awhile but I didn't click with the therapist or perhaps I just expected something else from it. It didn't make me feel better. It actually made me feel quite dumb at times. Like I was paying someone just so I had someone to complain to.. I gave it up. I had a hard time getting pregnant so after 2 years we saw a Specialist. I got pregnant on the first try with triplets girls. Docs suggest I eliminate one. NO! I tried too hard to get pregnant in the first place.. How can I eliminate one? At 21 weeks gestation everything started hitting the fan. I was hospitalized, put on meds to prevent preterm labor. At 23 1/2 weeks, they were born. They didn't survive. They hadn't receive steroids for their lungs yet because they were still too young.. Afterward, I got pregnant on my own with my EJ. He saved me. I was scheduled for a MRI of the Pituitary Gland cuz I hadn't had period since my loss and was getting negatives on HPT tests, incl blood test.

At this moment in my life, I have that "something" is missing feeling. I know it's because of my girls but somehow I need to let it go. I am hoping to have a daughter this time so that I will experience what having a girl is like. Not that I am replacing them because they are irreplaceable.

I feel like a jerk on occasion because I should be grateful for my boys and I am. I love them with all my might. I should be content. I have a good husband. But I can't shake this feeling.

We'll see.. I think I need more time.. and more time..

Sorry, it's long..

[missy123]

Hi and welcome!!! I am so sorry for your losses... so sad. I have 3 boys and although they are so awesome and wonderful and my pride and joy I want another baby. Please don't feel silly for saying anything in here... I have and do feel the same as you. ((Hugs))

[.:Shortcake:.]

Hugs! Welcome to the board! We all understand what your going through here. And honestly its okay to vent and yell and scream. We are all here for you. I pray you get a sticky BFP soon!

[Natalie_Snow]

{HUGS} welcome to the board! I am so sorry you're going through this. I hiope you get your sticky BFP very soon!!!GL!

[KAB]

Welcome to TTCAL, I'm very sorry for your losses.

[Admin-Rachel]

Welcome! I'm so sorry for your loss! ((hugs))

[Kary♥RN]

HUGS... I am so sorry for your losses.... What your are feeling is totally normal. It is ok to feel that empty spot... even though you have 2 beautiful boys... you also know what you lost... I have a son, and lost a little girl, I grieve her everday. I look at what I should have. And it hurts. And it is ok to want a little girl.. I do.. I am glad you found us.. I hope we can help you through this next part of your journey! HUGS Welcome to the Board.

[moegomes]

Thank you for the support. Sometimes, I feel like I am living the past. It's comforting to know that someone knows what I am feeling. I know my hubby and mom feel the same way but I can't talk to them about it anymore. I think, they think that i just dwell on what could have been.. Perhaps.. I think the only reason I didn't completely shut down was because of my son. He gave me a reason to get off the meds that I needed to go to sleep and the meds I needed to wake up and function. I was able to get off meds literally overnight because last thing I wanted was to have my unborn child on meds.

Thank you again.. Good Luck to everyone TTC.

[DukesMommy12]

Welcome, Im so sorry for your losses!
This is a very good place to heal.

[Isabelle]

I'm so glad you came over here

Welcome.

Massive hugs to you.

Joanne
xxx

[dreamer10]

So sorry for your loss...thats terrible. You have come to the right place. Everyone feels at one time or another we want a baby, or another one is some of our cases. Just because you already have children it does not negate the fact that you want more. I have 9 and I have gone through 3 loses trying to get that last one. Feelings can never be wrong...they are feelings. Feel free to vent, talk and cry here...we are all her for you!

[mafiamom]

so very sorry for your losses. i can completely understand what you are feeling. i have a darling little girl, but i still was looking forward to that new life that never was. i pray your stay here is short and sweet.

[Celena]

Moe, hello and to TTCAL!

I'm very very sorry that you've gone thru so much and had such tragedy in your life with your losses. Your feelings are totally valid and it sounds like you're still grieving... that is OK, you're not abnormal to be going thru and feelings those feelings that you are. It's not an over night sensational "healing" and we all deal, heal from our losses in different ways, different lengths of time. It doesn't mean you're living in the past, but that you're remembering what you've lost... you do however have to do what's best for you and what's going to help you get thru it, building your strength back up and come to some sort of peace. There's nothing that you could have done to prevent this from happening, there's nothing you should feel guilty about (especially your feelings)

as far as counselling... I would try to go to a different one, sometimes a LCSW is a bit better at listening and giving advice than their higher ups like psychiatrists and psychologists altho they may have to send you out to one of their higher up if they think you need medication therapy as well. It's not a bad thing and sometimes we just don't mesh with some therapists then we know it's time to move on or check someone else out. Which I would totally suggest to you, find a new person to talk with and be your advocate. Don't hesitate to ask if they have dealt specifically with women who have had losses of pregnancy, stillbirths, miscarriages, loss of a child and grief associated with those. You might just find the right person to help you.

again welcome and I hope that you find that this is the right place for you with a bunch of WONDERFUL women going thru the same journey as you,.

[~Lynda~]

and don't ever apologize for your feelings! they are so hard to control. i'm so sorry for your losses!! i've had three myself, not triplets, but three separate losses. emotionally draining! i wish you success in your ttc journey!!! HUGS and welcome again!