[Anna.Loves.Toast]

i dont expect anyone to read all the way trough this, this is mainly for myself and my own healing.

reading this board, I feel guilty whining about my loss when it was so early, but I have no one else to whine to. So many of you have faced so much more than me, and i'm complaining. i feel bad about it, but I feel the need to be strong while facing the few people IRL that even knew I was pregnant.

My boyfriend is incredibly supportive. I can see that he loves me so much, I can feel it. Even though I know he's hurting too, he's not hurting the same. He can't feel the cramping, the bleeding, all the physical parts of the loss.

Never, ever did I think my first pregnancy would end so early, painfully and without a baby to hold. Loss isn't something that you really think of when TTC.

As a nurse, I try to stay healthy, eat right and exercise. I dont want to sound like a hypocrite when instructing my patients on altering their lifestyle to a healthier way of living. But now I feel broken. I know I didn't do anything to cause it, I was so careful. But it was my body's job to support, protect and nurture this grouping of cells into a perfect, wrinkly baby, and my body failed. I don't feel like the same person anymore.

Yesterday when I woke up, I still had a little hope that everything would be ok. By the afternoon, all those hopes disappeared as I truly felt the physical pains of a m/c, and then saw my test results. I continued through the afternoon at work, welcoming the hugs from my co-workers and agreeing with them that everything will be ok. I welcomed their comforting words with smiles and nods, looked brave and strong. Then lost all composure on the long drive home.

The part of me that's still hurting, feels like this pain is never going to go away.
However, the logical side of me knows that everything will be ok, I will be stronger, my heart and everything else will heal. Though I wont forget, it's not going to be a constant thought forever.

[mmllhh]

anna, you should never feel guilty about "whining" on this board. that is what we are here for, and you aren't whining, you are talking thru your feelings and your loss. And as for it being too early? a loss is a loss to me. I've had 5, and they all hurt whether it was early or further along. you had that moment of joy when you found out you were pregnant and it was taken away in a cruel way. it hurts.

Use this board for those tough days, the ladies on here are fantastic and will help you get thru the tough days and some day you will return that to someone else who is having a bad day.

we are here for you.

[zkat]

Anna,

This board is here for this very thing - to let you talk about the things that no body else really understands.

As far as "early" it doesn't matter. I truly believe that the moment any women believes she is pregnant (and sometimes before that) she has all ready starting visualizing how pregnant she will be at the major events coming up in her life and in a way, has all ready made those memories. The loss does not hurt any less because it was early in the pregnancy.

Kat.

[Kary♥RN]

HUGS.... No matter if you had one loss, or 20 they hurt... wether you were 39 weeks or 20 mins after seeing those two lines.... you lost a baby. You lost something you wanted, the idea of all the plans and fun things you would so with your baby.... Don't ever feel that you loss is less than anyone elses... HUGS!

[j&jmom]

I agree with all the other ladies have said. In fact the words you used feel like something I could have said a few months ago. It's hard, but trust that it will get better; you will get stronger and hopefully soon you will get your little sticky bean!

[Servilia]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and agree that there is nothing to feel guilty about. I also had a loss, fairly early (6 weeks) a month ago, and yes it was very painful. It still hurts but as time goes on hopefully you will start to feel better

[EJsMommy]

Anna - A loss is a loss regardless if it is early or later. We all feel pain from a loss and it is alright to feel what you feel with the pain and emptyness (I felt that) of not having the baby longed for to hold. It may feel painful for a while but your pain will subside but the memory of what you had even for a second will remain with you for a lifetime. The ladies on this board are wonderful and you are welcome to share your hurts and your joys and everything in between with us.

[~LaurenNoel~]

I agree with what all the others ladies said. Hugs sweetie.

[missy123]

I agree with everyone above. And don't ever feel bad for venting here.... We really understand everything you are going through, everything you are feeling because we have been there. I was the queen of anger and pain for almost a year. Welcome, I am glad you found us... we understand.

((Hugs))

[Celena]

Anna,

I typed a response to you about this the other night when you had posted it and POOF! gone into cyberspace.

What I was saying was... like what most everyone else has probably have said as well...

While we all have our different journies, our different struggles, our different strengths, different levels of anything.... one thing that binds us all together is that we've had loss in our lives. The common thread that has sewn us together. We're here to support one another in whatever each other needs because we understand more than the outside world of those who've never experienced what we have.

Don't feel guilty... this is a safe haven for all of us. Feel free to share your thoughts, fears, worries, happy times and so on. That's what we're here for

[ldovey83]

I don't want to repeat what everyone else said, but I agree 100 percent with all the other ladies.. Feel free to vent anytime.. It sounds like you have some wonderful co workers.. Hang in there hun.. HUGS

[Jennifer8080]

I agree with what the other ladies have said. A loss is a loss, no matter when it occurs. I've been through three losses now, at varying stages. To me it always feels like the end of the world when it's happening, but over time it does get easier. The pain never fully goes away, and you never forget, but it gets easier.

We are here anytime you need to talk or vent, don't ever think of it as whining.

[pisceeangel]

Thank you for posting this! I have been lurking for a couple of weeks because I simply have nothing "good" to say. I can say that I feel your pain, knowing that I'm not alone helps. I do wish wonderful things to come for you!