How involved is... (mini DH rant)

lex1078 · #1 May 20th, 2010, 06:44 PM

your DH/SO in the whole TTC journey? Does he do any research to try and help? Does he do anything for himself to help in the process? Does he listen to what you have to say about it?

I ask this because DH and I have our IVF consult tomorrow and I've done my share of researching it and have explained important things to him. Then last night I went over the list of questions I had with him and had to re-explain things to him again. It seriously makes me feel like he doesn't care. I almost feel like he only wants a baby cause I want one, even though he's told me otherwise. I seriously feel like I'm going at this alone and almost like I don't want him to go tomorrow. Also, at the genetics counselor I knew basically everything she told us and I already told DH everything and he turns to me and says "I didn't know most of what she said" I was like, "I explained it to you already!!" UGH... I'm just feeling really alone in this journey and don't know what to do anymore. I'm almost at the point where I don't even want to do this anymore.

tobi4 · #2 May 20th, 2010, 08:07 PM

Ahhh Stephanie, I know exactly how you feel! Im so tired of having to explain to him, and offering suggestions and never having them followed. My bf was the one who actually wanted to start this ttc journey, and yet Im the one trying to figure out everything. I was just thinking to myself that I dont want to do this anymore. Im 9 dpo, hopeful, but if its not his month I dont know that Ill decide to do. Im disappointed, sad and frustrated. I dont want to live my life like that for the next god knows how many months before we see a bfp.
I wish you luck tomorrow! KUP!

brandimomof2 · #3 May 20th, 2010, 08:46 PM

I know exactly what you mean. My husband isnt even open to trying anything like clomid/shots and he sure isnt ready for IUI. So I have no idea what is going to happen with this. He does zero research and the only thing he has done is not take hot showers but sometimes I still catch him doing that. I am like Hello, are we not ttc. Its really frustrating. Sometimes I think if I didnt want another baby then he would be perfectly fine with that. Its really makes me sad.

BuckeyeGal23 · #4 May 21st, 2010, 05:41 AM

Same here - DH doesn't do any research on his own, he basically relies on me to tell him EVERYTHING and then doesn't pay attention when I do. I have to repeat everything like 3 times (of course it's not just ttc stuff, so I figure it's a defect in him

). I know he cares, and he really wants a baby, I think he just can't really relate to the ticking clock/urge for a baby and just thinks it's this casual thing that should happen naturally. I don't know how many times I have to explain to him that because I have PCOS, I do not ovulate on my own...so if we're going to have a baby, we have to trigger it with meds, which means I am more moody! He is so clueless - he totally doesn't get women or how ttc works. Although I will give him credit for reading a book I got him after we found out I was pg

MomtoCTSK · #5 May 21st, 2010, 07:00 AM

I know I am new here, but I just wanted to give some support. I can imagine that him seeming not to care can take a toll. I think men are just wired like that. It seems that you have been through much more then the average TTC couple and you need someone standing beside you, not someone dragging behind you. I hope he comes around and that this is just his way of dealing with it. My DH says that nothing seems real to him when things are happening to me so he doesn't understand. He tries but he just doesn't get it.

SkyBaby · #6 May 21st, 2010, 08:25 AM

My husband, being an LVN, is fascinated by anything medical, much less the medical side of pregnancy/ttc. Tell your husband exactly what you told us. Try not to finger point as much as possible, but starting things out like "I feel bad when you_____" is probably best. I've only been married for almost 2 years, so I'm not real experienced here. lol

pisceeangel · #7 May 21st, 2010, 08:46 AM

Having gone through 6 cycles of IVF with a supportive DH I can tell you the whole experience is very different for men. For some reason they feel left out and unimportant. Not because of us - but because most of the attention is aimed at the woman in this situation. They are only required to supply a specimen and for my husband it made him feel somewhat useless. He did withdraw and seem uninterested for quite some time. We did sit down and talk about it - once I realized what things were like for him and visa versa things did get better. The stress of ttc naturally or with the help of ART effects people in different ways. Your DH most likely cares deeply but may not be able to totally invest himself because he's scared and feels somewhat unnecessary. Talk to him - but don't be accusational, be supportive and caring - you may just get it back in return. At least I hope that is what happens for you!! Good luck in your ttc journey.

AliciaF · #8 May 21st, 2010, 09:51 AM

Um, he stopped drinking beer for about a month while we ttc. That's about it LOL.

I guess I just always thought of it as a man thing. I know he wanted another baby, he was just more relaxed about trying.

lex1078 · #9 May 21st, 2010, 10:12 AM

So I guess it's not just my DH. I'm glad I have you girls here to help me through it.

Anna.Loves.Toast · #10 May 21st, 2010, 11:29 AM

My BF hasn't done research, but he's always asking questions, and I think he pays attention when I tell him new things I've learned from my own research.
He pays pretty close attention to my cycles, lol, and before we were TTC he always knew when AF was coming even before I did.
He askes when I'm ovulating, we talk about the best days to BD...lol he'll even bring me food and something to drink after DTD, so I can stay in bed with my hips propped up

I think I picked a good one....Guess I should keep him around

lex1078 · #11 May 21st, 2010, 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anna.Loves.Toast

My BF hasn't done research, but he's always asking questions, and I think he pays attention when I tell him new things I've learned from my own research.
He pays pretty close attention to my cycles, lol, and before we were TTC he always knew when AF was coming even before I did.
He askes when I'm ovulating, we talk about the best days to BD...lol he'll even bring me food and something to drink after DTD, so I can stay in bed with my hips propped up

I think I picked a good one....Guess I should keep him around

I definitely wouldn't let go of that one!!! DH used to know my cycles, way back when we were dating. But now he has no clue and sometimes, neither do I.

ldovey83 · #12 May 21st, 2010, 12:17 PM

I am glad to hear that I am not alone.. MY DH dosen't want to do any research on anything and when I tell him he should stop smoking cigarettes or he should changed this he gets all defensive and says well you have gotten pregnant 3 times so we know it is not my boys. It is you and your body.. TAlk about a stab to the heart.. I know my body has issues too but hello sperm does have problems too.. I wish guys were more open to things.

tobi4 · #13 May 21st, 2010, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ldovey83

I am glad to hear that I am not alone.. MY DH dosen't want to do any research on anything and when I tell him he should stop smoking cigarettes or he should changed this he gets all defensive and says well you have gotten pregnant 3 times so we know it is not my boys. It is you and your body.. TAlk about a stab to the heart.. I know my body has issues too but hello sperm does have problems too.. I wish guys were more open to things.

Ohh! That makes me so mad!! I would print out the studies showing that male smoking increases the risk of m/c, and have him read them. And to then blame you! Oh!! Im sorry, but wow, that must make you so angry! Especially when there are soooo many reasons for a m/c to happen!!