[amychristian]

Hi ladies!

I am coming over to TTCAL by way of TTC and then the August 2010 DDC more recently. I wanted to introduce myself before I got into our upcoming TTCAL journey ("our" being me and my husband). I have a few questions and am asking them in this forum to see if anyone can field them based on their own TTCAL experiences.

Introduction & Background: I was, at one point in time, one of the co-hostesses of the very active and popular TTC forum until I got pregnant last December, at which point my duties were transferred to another wonderful TTC lady. I am 29 years old, a professor at a university here in Maryland, and I am married to a lawyer (Benny). We both work out of MD and DC. We are best friends and we are both originally from New York. We met in college and have been together ever since. We're probably going to move back to New York once I complete my fellowship. We don't have any children yet but (ideally) we would like three boys. After we got married I wasn't sure when we should start trying. I knew I didn't want to wait too long, and now here I am -- 29 years old, and feeling like my clock is winding down. I have friends who are on their second or third kids already. Granted, I'm way ahead of them professionally, which is what my husband and I both wanted before we started trying. So we both finished our respective degrees and began working in our fields. We basically wanted to save money for a couple of years so we had some financial security (and a house) before having children. We've been successful at doing this, so we decided that it was time to start trying.

Benny and I never "actively" tried to conceive until December 2009 but between December 2008 and December 2009, I charted, temped, took OPKs, the whole nine yards. I basically wanted to know everything there was to know about my cycles. I wanted to observe patterns so that when we did start actively trying that there was some degree of predictability involved. I am a "data junkie" so it was very reassuring to have that information available to me. What I learned after a year of charting is that my cycles are extremely predictable and consistent. They're 27-29 days long with a mean and mode of 28, and I ovulate between CDs 13-15 with a mean and mode of CD 14. I had a couple of months that deviated slightly, but I considered those outliers or flukes. I have a pretty good grasp on what I can expect every month.

I am one of those freaks who actually enjoys charting, too! I don't consider it inconvenient or "unsexy." Benny and I are geeks at heart, so its fun to plot charts and analyze data. We don't have any fertility/reproductive health issues so conceiving has been easy. We are both very healthy people who both come from long lines of fecund families. The problem is getting past the conception part. We've had two losses now. I know there are plenty of women who've had more, but it feels so defeating to have lost two of two pregnancies. I'm 0 for 2. I underwent a "preconception" exam with my OB/GYN last year and passed with flying colors. He did a very thorough and extensive work-up on me, from a full blood panel to a pelvic exam/pap to other tests for things like thyroid problems, toxoplasmosis, hormone levels throughout the month, an ultrasound, a rigorous checkup, and lots of other things to ensure that I wouldn't have any trouble conceiving. Everything came back totally normal and he said that my odds of getting pregnant on any given month (if I used FAM correctly) were as good as 75%! He said that we should be pregnant in the first month or two of trying. He said that Benny didn't need any tests done unless we weren't successful in the first three months. He said that our ages were optimal for quick conception, too. It was a very encouraging appointment. He even told me that we didn't even need to bother with OPK tests and temping and charting. He said (and I quote), "For you guys, I'd actually recommend just opening a bottle of wine and having sex as much as possible. Throw those OPKs out and have fun!" I appreciated his optimism and humor, and it made me reassured and comfortable, and so far everything he said has been right. Conceiving has been really easy. It's sustaining a viable pregnancy that's become a challenge.

So he told me to start taking prenatal vitamins, B-Complex vitamins, and fish oil capsules, and I did. I also began exercising more regularly, I quit smoking and drinking, and I stopped taking any medications that I could live without. We knew that we weren't going to be able to actively try until late 2009, but I wanted to prepare myself physically so that I was healthy when I did become pregnant. All the books I read said the same thing -- live as if though you were pregnant for about three months before you anticipated becoming pregnant (i.e. three months before you started actively trying). So I did that for a year. However, we conceived "accidentally" in November 2008 but it was a chemical pregnancy. We BDd on CD 10 and I figured there was NO WAY we'd get pregnant that early since I typically ovulated closer to CD 14. Turns out, sperm can get really comfy in there for several days and THEN fertilize the egg (and I could have ovulated earlier too). And his sperm did exactly that. I took a FRER and it was BFP on Thanksgiving 2008! I took like four more tests after that and they were all BFPs. I had to be sure! However, about a week later I started bleeding. It was like a normal period with heavier cramping. I took another test and it was a BFN. That really disappointed us and left us angry and depressed, so we decided to wait until the following year to really try.

Finally, December 2009 rolled around and we decided to give it a shot! A concerted effort! We had two days when we would both be in town (he travels for work about 15 days out of every month) and it was the weekend I was ovulating. My OPKs were positive so we spent the whole weekend doing, ya know, husband and wife stuff. I had a really good feeling about it and I was certain during the whole 2ww that I was absolutely pregnant. The tests only confirmed what I already knew in my heart. I could just feel it. There is a specific feeling you get, and it's unmistakable. I realized we had only tried this one month, on just these two days, but 40 HPTs or so later, I still couldn't believe that we were pregnant! I seriously tested everyday for the next few weeks. I didn't care about the expense at all. I was just so elated and overjoyed that I had to see the tests every day! I believed it, but because of my previous chemical pregnancy, I had to confirm it every single day. I was so worried that this pregnancy was going to go away too. But my doctor was right -- we were successful on our first try!

We got pregnant on December 6, 2009. I had my first prenatal appointment with my OB/GYN at 8w3d. The baby was perfect! I was incredibly sick for weeks, and then on February 9 I began bleeding heavily, and then it was on and off. I couldn't get in to see my doctor until Monday but I did call him. He said not to worry, that bleeding was common, and to come in on Monday. At that appointment we discovered that the baby had stopped developing and there was no heartbeat. This is a really long story, which I told on my August DDC. I miscarried but it did not pass naturally, and I really didn't want it to, so I needed a D&C, which I had on February 19. It goes without saying that this was beyond heartbreaking for us. I have a hard time finding the best words to describe how this loss felt.

I am basically giving you the abridged version here in TTCAL but the full story can be read here (I posted an update in my DDC after a three-month hiatus). You can read about my miscarriage, my D&C, the aftermath, and what we're planning in doing now, here:

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1...mentioned.html

My Question: I think now I'm just looking for some words of encouragement about TTC after a miscarriage. I know we're going to try again soon, but I'm wondering if it's going to be more difficult to conceive in the same short amount of time after a D&C. But I should amend my post in the DDC to include this: While we sort of decided to wait until June or July to actively try again, we gave it a shot this month, but my cycle is totally bizarre this month! Check out my chart (linked in my signature below).

As previously stated, I have always ovulated between CDs 13-15. My post-op cycles so far have been relatively normal but I didn't pay attention to when I ovulated. I was still grieving so I wasn't doing any of the charting or OPK testing or temping. However, this cycle has me totally confused! I started OPK testing when I normally did in the past and they were ALL stark white negative through my typical fertile ovulatory phase. I mean there literally wasn't a second line to be seen on any of them. I also didn't feel the mittelschmerz, which I feel EVERY month. My CM was fertile, but my temps were not doing anything that indicated that I had ovulated or that I was about to. Then, much to my surprise, I got positive OPKs on CDs 18 and 19, almost a full WEEK after I normally start seeing them! I didn't know what to think. I mean, this is totally unprecedented! I have NEVER ovulated that late in ANY cycle, so I feel very confused. Also, OPKs have ALWAYS been right for me! They are always accurate and they always match all of my other ovulation symptoms. I've always gotten positive OPKs every single month -- just NEVER this late in my cycle. I have no clue what is going on. So I decided that we should BD anyway, just in case the OPKs were right and I did ovulate later. But how is that possible? My temps are also really bizarre this month (look at my chart). It's hard to tell if there was a thermal shift or not. Here are my OPKs from last week so I know I'm not imagining that they're positive (but did I actually ovulate?? I had no mittelschmerz this month either):



So what do you think? Do you think I possibly could have ovulated THAT late in my cycle? Do you think we BDd at the right time? Do you think maybe I got a positive OPK but that I didn't ovulate? I am so confused. I wish I knew why this cycle was so completely out of whack! I have NEVER had a cycle like this in my life. I mean, it's been over three months since my D&C so could things still be so messed up that I ovulated nearly a week late??

Please be honest and tell me what you think. I can totally handle it if you think we're out for this cycle. Should I consider this an anovulatory cycle, or one where I just ovulated late?? If you have any advice or insights about this bizarre cycle, PLEASE share them! I need to know if we stand a chance this month so I can obsess during the 2ww. I really, really, really don't know what to think and I need your opinions. Please!

Thanks, ladies! Any and all thoughts are encouraged and welcomed!

It's good to meet you all, and thanks in advance for your comments.

Amy

[NutMeg76]

Looking at your chart looks to me like you O'd on CD 21.

Having an odd late ovulation is not unheard of, even in a perfectly 'regular' cycle. I Ovulated CD 12-13 this past cycle, and normally I O around CD 16. Sometimes things just go differently.

Are you stressed? Any type of stress, even positive things like vacation or a big party can delay ovulation.

[markswife]

Hi Amy! Welcome to TTCAL. I hope you stay is very short and you are back in a DDC with a BFP soon.

I'm Annette and lost a baby in February at 6w5d. I didn't have a D&C so I'm not sure how that affects cycles versus m/c'ing without one. I've always had cycles like clockwork. 6AM Saturday morning. You could set your watch to it. It took five weeks for my first AF, then she came two days early and then I got pregnant the third cycle. We used preseed the third cycle. I'm also pretty sure I O'd three days later than usual. I'm pretty happy we BD'd a couple extra times!!

I felt like the only person in the world that didn't know KY could affect sperm. It sounds like you have your cycle all figured out so I thought I would throw preseed out as a suggestion. We wish someone would have told us a couple years ago!!

[MeganMomof5]

Sorry to welcome you here Amy...I'm not sure if you remember me, we were both TTC on the TTC board together....I'm no help as I am now myself dealing with a miscarriage and a D&C and i haven't started a new cycle yet, but good luck and I hope your stay is short!

[monkeymama2]

Amy I am completely lurking here. I lurked on this board for awhile, as I was NTNP, got pregnant in Nov 09, and then miscarried shortly thereafter. This whole time since I have been TTC and charting, and I can tell you my cycles have been very crazy. My cycles were regularly 30-32 days, and since the m/c they have been 35-40 days! And I was ovulating as late as day 27. I brought my charts to my doctor and he said they looked ok. I am happy to report that the last 2 cycles have been back to normal, and in fact this most recent cycle, I got pregnant. It was frustrating for me, we were definitely trying each month but I wonder if maybe my body wasn't totally ready in some way. I did not have a d&C so I'm not sure if that matters, but I guess it truly can take a few months to recover no matter what. Good luck to you!

[amychristian]

Originally Posted by monkeymama2

Amy I am completely lurking here. I lurked on this board for awhile, as I was NTNP, got pregnant in Nov 09, and then miscarried shortly thereafter. This whole time since I have been TTC and charting, and I can tell you my cycles have been very crazy. My cycles were regularly 30-32 days, and since the m/c they have been 35-40 days! And I was ovulating as late as day 27. I brought my charts to my doctor and he said they looked ok. I am happy to report that the last 2 cycles have been back to normal, and in fact this most recent cycle, I got pregnant. It was frustrating for me, we were definitely trying each month but I wonder if maybe my body wasn't totally ready in some way. I did not have a d&C so I'm not sure if that matters, but I guess it truly can take a few months to recover no matter what. Good luck to you!

I know what you mean. I never thought I'd ever ovulate this late, though. I think the latest I ever ovulated was CD 16 and even that was a fluke, so this is even weirder. I am sure my cycles will resume their normal 27-29-day pattern and I'm not going to get my hopes up too much this month. Even though we BDd at the right time, I just don't "feel it" the way I have in the past when I've gotten pregnant. I understand what you mean about your body just not being "ready," too. I kind of still feel like that's the case, and given how "off" this cycle has been, it wouldn't surprise me at all if this cycle was a bust. I'd actually be okay with that. In the past I would have been more disappointed, but I'm really not going to invest any hope in this cycle. Like I said, I just don't feel it. With the late ovulation and only being three months out from my D&C, I would not be surprised at all if nothing happened this month, and that's actually fine by me. We're trying to take a more casual approach to this right now since it's so soon after the M/C and we don't want to put all of that TTC pressure on ourselves again. If I'm still recovering, so be it. I can wait.

Thanks.

[mafiamom]

hi amy! so very sorry to hear about this. i left the ddc in january after a 8.5 week natural loss.

it DOES seem as tho you o'ed on cycle day 21... but after a m/c it is just to hard to know if the body is actually doing what it is supposed to or not. kup on your symptoms!

i pray your stay here is a short sweet one~

[Jennifer8080]

Hi Amy - I'm so sorry about your loss. It does seem like you O'd later - which isn't uncommon. My last two cycles (one of them resulted in a very early loss) - I had positive OPKs on CD17 & 18 - which is late for me, so it's definitely possible! I wouldn't count yourself out yet.

I'm Jennifer (27) and DH is 33 - we just got married on 5/15/10. As for TTCAL - it's a constant battle I think - and I can relate to a lot of what you said. We've been TTC for nearly two years (off and on) and have had three losses. Getting pregnant doesn't seem to be the problem - it's staying that way. The girls on this board are a wonderful support system. I hope that you get your sticky BFP soon!

[Loving6]

I had gotten pregnant in March,found out in April and lost the baby in May.I too had to have a D&C.I finally got my period 81 days after the d&c.I ovulated extremely late the cycle I got pregnant.I typically would ovulate at CD18 and this time I ovulated at CD30.All the OPK's and charting confirmed this.So yes,very possible to O late.

[amychristian]

Thanks, ladies. I'm actually really nervous about possibly being pregnant again. It's starting to scare me now. I know that sounds terrible. Part of me hopes we weren't successful this month even though we could be. That just makes me feel guilty. I thought I was ready to do this but I am still sensing some trepidation. I'm very anxious about being pregnant again so soon. I still feel like three months is too soon. If we're not, then I might talk to DH about waiting a couple more months. I feel like I just barely recovered from the m/c and am jumping into another pregnancy so quickly. So I know it's possible that I ovulated later and that we did conceive, but to be perfectly honest, I am still hoping that the probability is very low.

[Jennifer8080]

I'm a firm believer that your body wont allow you to get pregnant before you're ready. A very good friend of mine got pregnant immediately after her m/c and successfully carried twin baby girls to 38 weeks. That said, I completely understand your fear of being pregnant again, and I hope that everything works out the way you want it to.

[amychristian]

Originally Posted by Jennifer8080

I'm a firm believer that your body wont allow you to get pregnant before you're ready.

I believe that as well, but it's hard to reconcile the fact that 1.) it's easy for me to get pregnant with the fact that 2.) I'm worried about being pregnant again so soon after the m/c. I thought that if I just powered through this cycle and gave it a shot, it would mean I wasn't giving up. And now here I am having second thoughts about trying again so soon after a heartbreaking loss. I wonder if my body is ready. I know I feel like my mind and heart aren't. But what makes your body ready?

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want children. I think it's just that I feel some residual fear and anxiety about pregnancy that's still leftover. It was extremely hard on me physically and emotionally (the pregnancy too, not just the m/c), and I really thought I was "there" now -- you know, the place where you think you're ready, but it turns out you only just think you're ready because you feel like you have to be. I pushed myself into being ready and now I'm worried that I'm not.

If we're not pregnant, I may want to wait a couple of months. This has definitely taught me something. I feel bad saying this on a TTC board, too! I don't really feel ready just yet. I know it was three months ago but it still feels very recent and the memories are still very vivid and fresh. I don't feel any of those weird 2ww things that I've felt before, so maybe that's a good sign. I had cramping and twinges at 3 PDO last time and they lasted throughout the entire 2ww. I don't feel anything.

Well, if I did ovulate on CD 21, then we'll know in about eleven days. I wish I didn't feel this nervous or scared about it.

[Jennifer8080]

Don't feel bad saying anything on this board - you can't change how you feel and no one will judge you for that. I can completely understand where you're coming from. I'm scared to death of getting pregnant, just in fear of experiencing another loss. I know that I'll never feel the way I did about TTC when I started this journey a few years ago. I think that's only natural after you've experienced a loss (or multiple losses).

[amychristian]

Originally Posted by Jennifer8080

Don't feel bad saying anything on this board - you can't change how you feel and no one will judge you for that. I can completely understand where you're coming from. I'm scared to death of getting pregnant, just in fear of experiencing another loss. I know that I'll never feel the way I did about TTC when I started this journey a few years ago. I think that's only natural after you've experienced a loss (or multiple losses).

I think I'm mostly scared that it'll be worse next time, too. My first pregnancy ended very early (within a week of finding out). Then my second pregnancy ended between 10-11 weeks. I am afraid next time it'll be like 20 weeks when I lose it. I know that's irrational, but when I got pregnant the second time, all of my friends (and even my doc) told me, "You're in the safe zone after there's a heartbeat." Well, not true! And I was insanely sick for weeks, which people also told me was a good sign. And then I got past 8 weeks, which they also said was good news. So I was really confident! Turns out, you're never totally safe, and I know I'm just going to feel like the possibility of miscarriage is just breathing down my neck the whole time and it'll be 40 weeks of nonstop stress, worrying if THIS is going to be the appointment where they tell me the baby has stopped developing. That's what I'm worried about. I am worried about going through it again, yes, but I am mostly worried about it being even worse than the last time.