[Lex&angels]

How do you cope with people trying to "cheer you up" by saying it could be worse because

a) you weren't that far along
b) it's your fault for testing so early, in the olden days you wouldn't have known until your 2d missed period anyway
c) so many people have later losses
d) at least you can get pregnant

I just am so frustrated with this right now. I know all of these things. And it still feels like my heart has been ripped out. I feel so sad, so empty.
I'm aware that many of you have had more miscarriages than me, this is "only" my 2d one, or later, or more traumatic ones. But I'm still grieving. I still miss my babies and loved them for the short time they were with me.
But having other people say these things to me - it just stings and hurts and I want to lash out.

[EJsMommy]

It is really hard with a loss regardless if is only one or many and it takes a while for that hurt to pass but it will but the memory of your babies will be with you forever. Some of those statements have been told to me as well and some I have let just pass me as I know they do not mean any harm by that statement but one that I still remember (a person that I no longer talk to if I can avoid) she did not know what to say so she relayed a story of another friend of hers had a mc and got dogs instead... "I just got a dog and you are more than welcome to come by and see him..." I just looked at her and said no thank you. I had to take courage to tell her that what she said was not cool and she understood that. But that cost her a friendship. Maybe if it really tears at you with the comments and you want to say something to the effect that I know you are trying to help make me feel better but at this time it just makes me feel worse and add that they would stop saying things like the sort and just be there for you with a listening ear and ready to give hugs if you are close to the person. I hope this helps from me who lost 1 last fall/winter. Massive Hugs

[tobi4]

Im sorry for your losses. Im also sorry you are having to deal with the comments some people make. I think that most often people try to say things that will help us to heal, I want to believe that such comments aren't made to hurt. But they do. They dont realize how quickly we start to bond and make plans for our little one. Ive gotten to the point where I just nod and since I genuinely wish that m/c didnt happen to anyone, I will comment something like "I sincerely hope you never have to feel this way". and then excuse myself with, "I need to use the washroom or I have to get a drink" Whatever works. Hopefully they think about it.

[Lex&angels]

I know they are trying to help/don't know what to say.
It hurts even more when the person went through the same thing (2 miscarriages while TTC #1) but years ago (her children are all grown) so she's comparing her faded memory of the grief to my RAW grief and making me feel like some sort of drama queen.

[KDD]

As much as I wanted to say something nasty back to them, I had to remind myself that they were saying those things, not to be hurtful, but to help. If you've never had a loss you unfortunately say the absolutely wrong thing! About a month later I posted on my blog a list of things to say and not say to a family who has lost a child.

[missy123]

I agree with the other ladies. People are not intentionally saying the wrong thing; they just don't understand what we are going through and as a true effort to try to make us feel better they end up saying the wrong thing. ((Big Hugs)) It doesn't matter if you were pregnant for 1 minute or longer the pain is all the same. As women we feel a strong bond and instant love for our babies the second that test shows positive.

[mlyster]

Lex,

It does not matter how many losses you have had, or when those losses occur, they hurt. They hurt because of all the hormones coursing through your body but more importantly they hurt because of all the hopes and dreams you had for starting a family. That starts immediately upon seeing that positive test.

The toughest part about dealing with people after a miscarriage is having to deal with people who don't understand what you are going through. I have gotten so many inappropriate comments I could fill a book with them. But for the most part I tried to let them slide off while in their presence and then would deal with the emotions it would bring up when I was in private. It was my own little coping mechanism. Eventually I came to realize that people (even those who had gone through miscarriages) had a really hard time knowing what to say and what to do. I also found that some people were just jerks and needed to be ignored.

If you need to chat PM me.

[RinkMom]

I agree with the PPs, people just don't seem to understand. It does not matter how far along you are, you have still lost your baby and the hope for that child's future. That little being will always be a part of you but some people think you can turn off the hurt, the memories and the pain of the memories that won't be.

HUGS!

[.:Shortcake:.]

Hugs! I agree with all the ladies. I'm sorry your going through this and I know how hard it is hearing them say these things. Even though they are only trying to help they really aren't, but I try to look at it as at least they are trying...

[mmllhh]

I think we make them nervous, they dont' know what to say. Then the spew their stupidity leak and we are left to deal with it. Just ignore them.

[j&jmom]

First of all, most of the people I deal with everyday have not experienced a loss, so when they heard of mine they had no idea how to react. I got a lot of dumb comments, but I know their intention was to comfort me. Last week one of the ladies at work came by and had to tell me that her daughter just had a m/c. It was weird that she had to tell me, like I'm suddenly the expert. My own mother didn't know what to say to me though . . . she even had to resort to, "a lady at work had one . . . " Secondly, you feel how you need to feel regardless of what others tell you. Everyone deals with it differently. I know people expect me to be over mine by now, but I still get sad from time to time. My cousin is having a baby shower next month and I really don't want to go. I know I should just grin and bare it, but I know I will be really down afterwards so I'm trying to formulate a good excuse not to go. My mom and sister expect me to go . . . ugh. I hate that we have to go through this and I never wish this on anyone, but I wish that others could understand what it really feels like to go through a m/c.

[BuckeyeGal23]

I agree with everyone - it seems to mostly come from people who have never experienced a loss...gosh, some of the things my best friends have said to me dumbfounds me. I just have to remind myself they don't know any better, and they are trying to help...then I come on JM and VENT!!!

[mom2njia]

I know exactly how you feel. I just blogged about it yesterday. I just had my sixth loss. I am so sorry for your losses. I know people feel like they need to say something, something that will make you feel better, but sadly they are usually way off base.
I just took a philosophy class and learned that people are actually NOT capable of understanding how something feels unless they live it for themselves.

[hellokitty]

Even though I've had a loss myself I still don't really "know" how to comfort someone that has had one themself. How can anyone. Each person deals with a loss in a different way. Some cry (like myself) and some move on with no problem. I'm not defending anyone since I've heard my share of stupid comments, but I just think its hard to really ever say the "right thing".

[..Michelle..]

Originally Posted by mmllhh

I think we make them nervous, they don't know what to say. Then the spew their stupidity leak and we are left to deal with it. Just ignore them.

I agree with this comment the most. But if you can't ignore them just punch them in the face (just kidding.....or am I? )

Michelle T.

[momma2princesses]

I havent posted in here since September when I lost my third little baby...but I had to respond to this.

I had a D&C at 6-7 weeks. I was devestated. We had been trying for months and I FINALLY got pregnant only to lose the baby.

I had SO many people say to me "Isnt it so much better than losing a baby in the 2nd trimester or at birth?"

To me...I lost all of the dream and all of the planing and all of the hope I had with that child. I dont care if I lost him or her at 3wks2days or at 40 weeks. It was devastating. It broke my heart...and I was lost completely.

Im sorry that you lost your babies...your dreams.

[JessP]

1 loss, 10 losses, 1st trimester, 3rd trimester, 4 weeks, 20 weeks. A loss is a loss and it hurts no matter what. Every person is so different in how they deal and you have every right to be hurt by what people say. Yes over time the pain lessens and I have meet some people who don't hurt as bad when its "earlier" but I know plenty of ladies who hurt at any stage. Please know that you are allowed to cry, scream, and grieve in anyway that you need to. My dr said that it was good for me and healthy to acknowledge the baby and realize my losses. I am so sorry that people around you don't understand. We do understand. . I am so sorry for your losses.

[angel3y35]

I think it's easy for some people to say things like that because they honestly think that's the way they would feel if they were in your situation. I know I thought that it wouldn't be that bad emotionally if I had a loss early on and I thought I would just be happy with the fact that I was pregnant. Now I realize that when your actually IN the situation not just thinking about things are so different. Did that make any sense? Trying to get things out of my brain on to "paper" is difficult sometimes.