[BuckeyeGal23]

This week has been so tough for me...I keep thinking how I would have been 12 weeks this week, and how relieved I would have felt. Now I'm not pg, not even ttc, and it will be months before I get that feeling again. It's been 4 weeks since my D&C, but I think the harder part is that I would have been 12 weeks this week. How does everyone deal with the different milestones that come up? This is really my first one, and it's harder than I expected...

[markswife]

I bawled like a baby the first time I saw a picture of someone who was due in September because all I could think of was how that should have been me and wasn't and I didn't think I would ever get pregnant again.

I'm really sorry that you are recovering from a loss instead of celebrating milestones. Life isn't fair sometimes.

[mom2njia]

I would have been 12 soon too. I was due in Dec. It's only been 2 weeks since my d&c and it sucks. Sorry

[amrysmomma]

I can relate to that very well. My first pregnancy, I SO EXCITED I had so many plans, and was getting magazines, free samples, ect. When I m/c I was devastated, I had even subscribed to a weekly email telling me what was going on with my baby, and that was the hardest part, I would get weekly emails saying your this many weeks, and like you I would just think, I would be this far along, I still do that now. I was due my birthdate, and so when that rolled around, I had to face that, but I also had a milestone to celebrate, that I made it into the second tri with this pregnancy. My second loss was a little easier, I was more upset I lost a fallopian tube, I think I felt that way, just because I knew that pregnancy would have never been viable. After my 1st I just decided to wait, the second I threw my hands up and said that's it I'm not meant to have kids, I only have one fallopian tube, ovulation isn't predictible, bla bla, and here I am 22 weeks pregnant, unplanned, certainly not expected. I will say it's going to be hard for the first little while, but once you make it thru the grieving process, it's much easier to handle. Good luck, keep your chin up. If you ever need to talk feel free to pm me

[Fallen2Love]

((hugs))
I can't stop thinking about the "I should be...." kinda stuff. I also did the weekly email stuff at Baby Center, and got the update Tuesday "You are 17 Weeks" or whatever. It is really tough, and still having a hard time getting past the grieving process. Some days are easier then others. And just take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. And cry when I feel like it, because it stinks!

[missy123]

I cried a lot... I vented here a lot and really got a lot of support from this group. It is so hard but does get a little easier over time. I think for the first 4 months I cried every day. I lived minute by minute. Then it got to hour by hour, then day by day. ((Hugs)) I am sorry you are going through this.

[JesSsica]

I'm so sorry. I can relate. I would've been 13 weeks tomorrow and my D&C was a week and a half ago. It just plain sucks. I think it would be different if they could definitively say, "This is why it happened and this is what we're going to do to keep that from happening next time". Unfortunately they can't so it hurts that much more.

My first due date was May 14. I really did ok that day because I was pregnant. Little did I know that May 22 held more sadness....

[.:Shortcake:.]

How I got through were talking/venting on JM because I felt like everyone in real life had no idea what I was going through. Also I stopped thinking ahead and just took it day by day, sometimes even minute by minute because anything else was way to hard. I'm not going to say you will ever be the same as before but things do get easier. Hugs! If you need anything even if its just to rant and rave you can always PM me.

[BuckeyeGal23]

Thanks ladies This place is so helpful - it's great to have people who understand what you are going through; I have no one in RL that has been through this. I hate that I'm not pregnant, and it breaks my heart every day. But you're all right - I just need to try and take it day by day and enjoy the good days. I have a cousin who is due in December also, and we had to completely miss all family activities over the holiday weekend because I just can't bear to see her right now. I am so jealous of people who are pregnant - I've never felt such strong jealousy in my entire life.

Jessica, I think you are right - it would be easier if I knew why it happened and there was something to prevent it next time...but it's terrifying to me to know it can happen again, and there's no guarantee. I was so excited for this baby, I am worried I'll never get that excited again because now I know what can happen.

[Celena]

Going to do some thinking out loud about what's going thru my mind about what you've said and asked....


I have and I haven't... right now I constantly still check my pregnancy tracker on fertility friend and I still get emails reminding me of what week I would be in... 26 weeks. Yes, I've yet to unsubscribe... self torture, yes, along with peeking in the Sept DDC to see all the bellies. Have to stop this insanity. I've passed 2 due dates and not looking forward to the one in sept at all.

I do allot of keeping to myself, come here to vent scream and cry but overall I keep it bottled up which isn't good. My loss in February I didn't really grieve all that much and it's definitely surfaced in the past few weeks. Can't be around a friend who is pregnant and all the testing with the RE gets to me as well. Had 2 chemicals the last 2 cycles which I was totally numb to.

I can't stop thinking about the milestones, but really I need to let it go it's not healthy it's not helping me heal it's keeping me reliving the pain over and over and over.... it's something that cannot be changed, cannot be reversed and it's time to move forward. Trying to stay sane in an insane world, realizing that most IRL cannot fathom the pain I've been thru so I've turned primarily to all of the ladies here. It's not an easy thing to live thru at all and has to be one of the hardest to heal from.

[SkyBaby]

I completely understand, hun. I was only about 5-6 weeks when I lost my baby. The due date has come and gone. In fact, my loss was almost a year ago. Instead of getting easier for me, it's getting harder. I am not pregnant yet, but it seems everyone else is getting pregnant even when they don't want to be. That's the hardest part for me. I still cry. I was due right around this last Mother's Day. I work at Kmart and mostly in the fashions department, which happens to be right next to the infant's department. I got that job just 2 months after my loss. I've been there for 7 months now. As the milestones came and went, I started feeling worse and worse. Not better. Time doesn't heal everything.

The short story is, I totally understand how you feel. Everyone handles it differently. Some women take the better part of a year to heal. I'm better in some ways and worse in others. What's been helping me is doing something completely unrelated to babies/ttc etc. Photography is my release. Whenever I need some time, I grab my camera and take a walk.

[BuckeyeGal23]

This is really my first milestone that I've passed, and I hate it. Celena, I know about the self-torture! I can't help but lurk on the Dec DDC board, even though it makes me sad and even more depressed. I want that! I sometimes just can't even believe it's still reality - I just keep hoping I was wrong or that it was a dream. But it's definitely not. I hope it will get better over time...but I don't know; I think I'll always miss that little baby that never was. I think it would help to be pg again, but that isn't going to happen for awhile, so I just need to try and move on...but it's so hard

[missy123]

Oh I used to lurk in my DDC as well.... I really wanted the best for the girls in there but it did nothing but make me sob and cry... But yet I couldn't stay away. I eventually stopped going in there. One way to help a little is to minimize the DDC section of JM - helps the temptation a little.

Don't put a lot of pressure on yourself to feel better. It takes time and some longer than others. ((Hugs)) It has been well over a year for me and sometimes I still shed a tear.

[BuckeyeGal23]

Thanks, Missy. I feel better knowing that I'm not alone...I feel like everyone IRL expects me to be okay at this point, that it wasn't a "real baby" or something, but I feel better knowing that everyone on here is going through the same struggle...I wish none of us were but at least we're in it together!

I should probably stay away from the ddc, but my loss doesn't change the fact that I am happy for them and everyone else in my life who is pg. It's hard because I'm not, but it's mostly just jealousy and nothing else...I am still so happy for all of them, especially because many have had losses themselves. I know one day I'll be a permanent member of a ddc!!

[martilynne]

Amie, I really admire your positive attitude. I really believe that with an outlook like yours that you will have a sticky bean soon

[BuckeyeGal23]

Thanks Marti I figure there's not a lot I can do about it, so the best thing I can do is try to stay positive. Sometimes it's hard and completely overwhelming, but at least I try!

I'm so happy for you and that you are pregnant! You deserve it so much!!