[amychristian]

As some of you may already know, I had a D&C on February 19 at 12w5d after a miscarriage diagnosed at 11 weeks. I then had another D&C and hysteroscopy in mid-April to remove a large blood clot that had formed after the first D&C.

My cycles have been 5 weeks long ever since (exactly five weeks long), which is totally abnormal. I've never had even ONE cycle that long in my life. I thought things would get back to normal by now, but they haven't, and that has me somewhat concerned. I think it affected our TTC chances this last cycle.

I thought we had conceived this last cycle. I had some very faint pink lines on a few tests. My temps were riding. Things looked good. I ovulated, we BDd at the right time, and then AF came at the 5-week mark.

Though it's a hard thing to admit, we were both relieved and disappointed. We're both very nervous and anxious about TTC after the miscarriage. Neither of us feels that we'd be comfortable or reassured in any future pregnancy until we see that baby delivered. I had so much confidence in the pregnancy that I lost in February. We heard the HB, baby was the perfect size, then I began bleeding and the ultrasound picked up no HB.

Everyone kept telling me, "You heard the heartbeat, so you're safe," or "You're almost into your second trimester so you're in the safe zone!" I felt completely cheated, lied to, and most of all gullible. I thought, "What a bunch of lies."

So now it has me worried again. DH and I have decided just to NTNP for the next few months, but we both agreed that we're still really nervous and scared about the prospects of going through it all over again. We are torn between wanting to TTC and NTNP. When AF came, we decided that day to stop TTC and to give ourselves more time to heal. But now here we are, rethinking the whole thing, and it's left us feeling very confused.

DH asked me, "How do we actually know when it feels right to start trying again?" That's a good question. Is there a specific kind of certainty you feel? Does your grief just dissolve? Do you ever really get over the fear and anxiety? I don't think my heart could take another loss like that one.

We want children very much, but I can't even talk about my miscarriage without crying. I feel like being pregnant again would bring all those emotions back. I am still charting but the day will soon come when I'm ovulating, and I have to be the one to make a choice. And right now I haven't the slightest clue what I would do.

How long did it take you after your loss to feel that reassurance and relief again? I don't want to go on like this forever. Don't misunderstand either, I don't want to sit in this holding pattern indefinitely. I want to TTC again. But how do you know when you're ready? DH said, "There's a good chance we'll still feel like this in a month or three or even a year." And he's right. So that makes me feel like we're just...... wasting time. I don't know if I should just power through my fears and just do it, or if I should give it some more time. If I do give it more time, there are still no guarantees that I (or we) will feel differently in September or even further down the road. Does the grief and sadness and anger ever really go away? Is it wise to TTC when you're still sad and grieving and worried and stressed out about it?

I just don't know what to do.

[EDIT] Oh, and I have an appointment tomorrow with my OB/GYN for a check-up. I passed two rather large clots on the first day of AF last week and the bleeding was substantially heavy for two days, and then it really tapered off. The cramps were absolutely terrible, too. From time to time I still feel these weird twinges/cramps, like a pulling/tugging sensation on my upper-to-right side, and I am worried that another clot may have formed. I know it's unlikely, but I can't take this discomfort anymore. I am going to ask my doctor for a diagnostic ultrasound to make sure nothing is there. It has me a little paranoid because of the first clot after the D&C. This is exactly what happened with my period before they removed it. I passed a few large clots that were part of the larger clot just breaking down, but about 90% of it remained, which is why it had to be removed.

I am hoping tomorrow's appointment goes well.

[amrysmomma]

"DH asked me, "How do we actually know when it feels right to start trying again?" That's a good question. Is there a specific kind of certainty you feel? Does your grief just dissolve? Do you ever really get over the fear and anxiety? I don't think my heart could take another loss like that one.

How long did it take you after your loss to feel that reassurance and relief again? I don't want to go on like this forever. Don't misunderstand either, I don't want to sit in this holding pattern indefinitely. I want to TTC again. But how do you know when you're ready? DH said, "There's a good chance we'll still feel like this in a month or three or even a year." And he's right. So that makes me feel like we're just...... wasting time. I don't know if I should just power through my fears and just do it, or if I should give it some more time. If I do give it more time, there are still no guarantees that I (or we) will feel differently in September or even further down the road. Does the grief and sadness and anger ever really go away? Is it wise to TTC when you're still sad and grieving and worried and stressed out about it?"

I honestly don't think you ever know the right time to start trying again, and based on my losses, I have never gotten over the "what could have been" thoughts, even tho it has almost been a year since my first loss and 8 months since my second. The first loss impacted me the hardest, I was devastated and heartbroken, my second was a lot easier to deal with, only for the fact that the it could have never been a viable pregancy. I'm still hurt by it, but losing my fallopian tube, was much worse for me to deal with. After that I gave up hope, never thought it was going to happen, decided maybe pregnancy and kids weren't for me. January rolled around and knew right away I was pregnant at 3dpo. I got my BFP and all of the emotions came flooding back. I was terrified, I purposely went to the bathroom every 1/2 hour to make sure I wasn't bleeding. I was paranoid 24/7. Seeing the heartbeat was somewhat reassuring, because like you, I knew things could still go wrong. Now at 23 1/2 weeks, I'm still worried. I'm afraid to buy anything baby related, get the room ready in fear of jinxing anything, so I think no matter how long you wait, just being brought back in to the situation again will bring the emotions back. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, and I just decided if it's meant to happen, it's meant to happen. Granted I didn't feel ready when I got pregnant again, I wouldn't trade it for the world, feeling her move, and creating such a bond with someone you've never met is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Everyone handles things differently so just do what you feel is right, if it's NTNP for awhile, great do that, if you decided to really TTC go for that. Hopefully, I've helped some. I'm not trying to scare you with future pregnancies, and being scared, it's a natural reaction, I think if you go on to have 10 healthy pregnancies, you'll have that fear everytime regardless, so don't worry about that. Your gut tells you what's right, and sometimes the brain thoughts are a little stronger than your gut. I'm sorry, I'm babbling like a little old lady Take care, best of luck!

[amychristian]

Thanks for your response. It makes sense. I don't expect to ever forget that pain or that anger I felt. My grief has certainly waned. It was at its worst in February, March, and April, and then I was able to manage it differently. I think I'm just waiting for some unambiguous feeling that lets me know I want to try again, but I have no clue what that feeling is or when I should expect to feel it. I am afraid that I am going to feel like this forever and then never conceive again.

Part of me wants to wait, and part of me doesn't. It's a very difficult internal conflict.

[ldovey83]

I can totally understand where you are coming from, but when the time is right you will know.. I still hurt as I am angry about each of my losses and it dosen't get any easier.. The first one hurts just as much as the second or third.. It is good that you are going to your Dr and I hope he can give you some input... Hang in there hun..

[amrysmomma]

Originally Posted by amychristian

Thanks for your response. It makes sense. I don't expect to ever forget that pain or that anger I felt. My grief has certainly waned. It was at its worst in February, March, and April, and then I was able to manage it differently. I think I'm just waiting for some unambiguous feeling that lets me know I want to try again, but I have no clue what that feeling is or when I should expect to feel it. I am afraid that I am going to feel like this forever and then never conceive again.

Part of me wants to wait, and part of me doesn't. It's a very difficult internal conflict.

I personally think, just let it happen, I would NTNP, which is what I was doing when I conceived again. Some pregnancy test commercial had the best saying I think it was, "When you stop trying so hard, destiny smiles on you." or something like that, and I have to agree. I had the same fears, I was craving a baby so bad, and bad things just kept happening. So when I felt it was over, that's when it actually began. Hang in there. If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me

[Brittanie]

Originally Posted by amychristian

DH asked me, "How do we actually know when it feels right to start trying again?" That's a good question. Is there a specific kind of certainty you feel? Does your grief just dissolve? Do you ever really get over the fear and anxiety? I don't think my heart could take another loss like that one.

For me, I was "ready" to ttc when the desire for a baby outweighed the fear of another loss. But you're never really ready. It never really goes away. Not even after the baby is born, you start to worry about other things. Not that it isn't blissfully wonderful, but the grief never truly leaves.

As for the "safe zone," well, I'm proof that's a load of crap. I had someone tell me that with my pregnancy with Erin (my first rainbow baby) when I hit my second trimester, and she got a not-very-nice response.


It's terrifying, it truly is. I usually have to get myself to a point where I let go of the fear and live in positive land.

[amychristian]

Thanks everyone! My OB/GYN appointment went VERY well today, which is a huge relief. I'll post more about it later tonight after I get home. Thanks again!

[MamaRN]

Hi There,

You know I just lost my 8 week pregnancy a week ago and I don't think I will ever stop grieving for that baby and missing them and longing for what should have been, but if I tried waiting until my grieving was over, I'd never have the chance at another baby.

DH and I have talked about this and I've done a lot of thinking and struggling about it because we do want to TTC right away (as soon as it's safe to do so after I have a normal AF) and I didn't want to feel like we were dishonoring the lost pregnancy and baby in any way by trying again so soon, but we've realized that we wouldn't be, we aren't trying to replace this baby, but we do want a chance to love another child and raise another child-- even though this baby will always have a special place in our hearts and we will never forget him or her or how much we wanted him or her.

Hope that helps in some way.