[supermom111681]

I know that I am only two weeks out from the original diagnosis of my miscarriage, but I am wondering when the pain and the ups and downs are going to stop.

My sister-in-law had her baby this morning and my husband wants to take two of our kids down there to the hospital to visit them. I just can't bring myself to go to a hospital. I was in the ER for my miscarriage 2 weeks ago and can't be there again.

I also feel like I am going through this alone. My husband tells me we can't change what happened just move on from it. I feel that's very insensitive, but I just may be overly emotional right now. He has not cried over the loss once and I feel like it just doesn't faze him much. He said that I have not asked how he feels about it and I don't think I should have to ask. Something like this, we should be able to go through it together, but I feel as though we are both dealing with it separately and it's much harder on me. How do I get him to open up?

[Pitridge]

oh sweety, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You a re describing what I went through when I had my m/c. It felt like I was going through it all by myself. Guys deal with it different that we do, also we are way more attach to the baby than they are, it's whole different set of feelings. I won't lie, it hurt like hell to see dh moving on while I spent my nights crying myself to sleep.
I don't think the pain goes away, it just gets easier.

[Brittanie]

Yeah, I think you'll find a lot of women will say their SOs are that way. We lost Cora at 38 weeks and my husband mentioned to me once it was "just becoming real" to him. He cried at first but not nearly like I did. At now, he has said that he "just doesn't think about it."

So yeah, it's different for them. And it really does make you feel like you're going through it alone.

[luvmykids623]

I agree, they deal with it differently, and it makes it feel like you are going through it alone. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I find this quote says it well, at least for me, although I think there will always be good days and bad days:

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
— Rose Kennedy

[MommytoaMiracle]

I totally agree, that men deal with it differently than we do.
My DH & I have had 4 m/c all in 1 year.
At times, I have gotten so angry with him, because I felt he didn't care, as he didn't show it the way I did.
I think they tend to put up a front & keep their emotion held in...I know my DH said he felt that if I was emotional & he was emotional, it would do no good. So, just remember that even though he's not expressing his pain, it is there.
I hope you get to feeling better soon...I'm so sorry for your loss.

[supermom111681]

Thank you ladies, it has felt good to hear your reassuring words.

This was in a text message from my DH today "I have to suck it up and face reality and deal with it and move on nothing I do or say will change what happened so I have to move on with it." Yes, we do have to move on, but does it have to seem so cold. I think day in and day out that no matter what was wrong with the baby I would have loved it unconditionally no matter what. What have I done so wrong in my life to deserve this. What have any of us done so wrong to deserve this. I can definately tell you that after this loss, my faith was tested to the full extent. How he could let someone be in this much emotional pain.

I am learning to come to terms with it all, don't have too many people to talk to about it other than you wonderful ladies. No one that is still living on my side of the family has gone through this and only two on his side have. I feel as though I get a kind of cold type shoulder from his Mom about it. Yes, she has been through it several times herself, but tells us to pick up the pieces and get back in it if we really want another one. She said she didn't understand too much why we wanted one since we have 4 kids between the two of us.

Well quite frankly we don't have a child together. We tried for so long for this one and I feel like if it takes that long again for another one I am going to loose my mind.

[BeccaM]

Im sorry for your loss. I agree with the other ladies that they deal with it so differently. My DH had the same response as yours did. I was very angry with him over it then one day I caught him crying just out of the blue. We are deal with everything so differently.

I know the emotional ups and downs will get easier over time but it never goes away. Im 5 months out from my loss and I still have days where it really gets me down...

[Kary♥RN]

HUGS... I am so sorry You are going through this...

I want to post something here That I post from to time.. This might help your DH understand... After my second loss.. I started a Blog.. and would let my DH read it. So maybe he could understand a little of what I was going through.. Most of the early posts were dark, depressive, and cold... filled with anger. But people understood a little.. by reading... I have the link in my siggy.. Next to my name.. What will be, will be.... (Pregnancy ment..) But the 2009 posts... and early 2010.. I opened my soul. So people who have never been through a loss... could maybe, just maybe understand a smiggin.


What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer


When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.

The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

[Pitridge]

Kary-That brought tears to my eyes......

[~InHisHands~]

It took 3 years to get pg with my little miracle baby last year, only to lose him/her way too early at 11 wks. It's hard & you never truly "get over it". I'll be honest, during my Bible study this morning I started crying for my miracle baby. I can move on only in His strength, not mine. It takes time. I will say that one of the most beneficial things for me, after my loss last year, was a Bible study... Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy.

I'm so sorry for your loss. again.

[MamaRN]

((HUGS)) I am so very sorry for your loss, and for your pain, and that you feel so alone. It is very hard to lose a pregnancy, and I sometimes wonder if it is early (meaning you aren't showing, DH hasn't felt baby move, or possibly seen baby on the ultrasound) that it is more abstract for them and not as real as it is for us, who love the child from the moment of conception and it becomes a part of us.

I think maybe when you are having a quiet evening you might sit down with your DH and just let him know how you feel, and just ask him to listen. It's a tremendous loss and what you are going through is totally normal. I can completely understand why you couldn't go and see your sister in law.

As to when the pain stops, I think that is different for everyone. I am about 6 weeks out and still have days when I get weepy thinking about it. I don't think we ever forget that special little someone who kept a place under our hearts for a time.


((HUGS)) We are here any time you need to talk or vent.

[TTCin2010]

HUGS..I am right there with you tomrorow will be 3 weeks since our lost. While my husband is very supportive, my friends are not. I've been told more than once 'well at least you know you can get pregnant." My sister is due in a few weeks, and she keeps texting me belly pics. I just want to slap her! I have cired every day since my MC.


I just finihsed reading two books that helped me put things into presprective. I got both of them at the library.

The first one is Miscarriage-why it happens, and how best to reduce your risks by Henry M. Lerner.

The second one is Miscarriage and the successful pregnancy by William P. Humel.

[missy123]

Kary - That is my favorite list!

Supermom - I am sorry you lost your baby. I am sorry you are going through so much pain and hurt and sorrow. DO NOT let anyone tell you you need to get over it and move on. You lost a part of you. The minute you saw that + pregnancy test a bond was formed that you can't explain to anyone else.

First off take it hour by hour, then day by day. While the pain never goes away I PROMISE YOU IT GETS EASIER. It may feel like the pain will never end and you will cry forever but it does get a little easier each day.

If you get too depressed don't be afraid to go to your doctor for help. Many have had to take relaxants or sleeping pills or anti-depressants even if for a short time.

We are here for you and we completely understand what you are going through. ((Hugs))

[supermom111681]

You ladies are the absolute greatest in the world.

TTCin2010 I have heard those words "Well at least we know now that it's possible to get pregnant" straight out of my DH's mouth. Yes, I know now that it can happen, my question is, is it going to ever happen again. Am I going to have to endure this pain again.

I don't even know you ladies and I love all of you, for your kind hearts and your encouraging words, your support and sympathy.

Thank you ladies!

[mom2twins]

My S/O is the same way...Our MC hasn't even fully started yet and I can barely get him to even talk to me We are not by any means ready to have children together but it still does not make the pain of what's happening any less.

He says "I just don't know what to feel, I feel bad that you're in so much pain"

[ldovey83]

I have lost 3 babies all with in a yr and a few days, and each one had a different pain for me.. My DH was very supportive through the first one and shared some tears with me..Mainly sad to see how much pain I was in.. He told me over and over again that he felt differently cause he wasn't the one sharing the body with the baby so he would never know how I felt.. The second one was a tough road too and that one drug on forever it seemed... My third most recent one I felt like I was going through it alone cause my DH was in denial and then when he finally accepted it he said some hurtful things to me.. I have learned since then to give it to God and still give my praises to HIM.. It hasn't made the pain go away, but I do feel better about it.... God is great... Anytime I get sad. I talk to God I tell HIM my pain, and I give it to HIM... Hugs hang in there hun.

[JessP]

DH's are so different about it. I think its a male female thing. I wish you weren't having to go through this. We are all here for you and understand. I know these ladies were my lifesavers when I went through both of my losses. I felt so alone and everyone expected me to just get over it. But its good to grieve and miss them and you will, always miss them. Each day you learn your new normal. We are here for you. And you did nothing wrong to cause this please don't feel that you did.

[ashj_1218]

I am so sorry to hear about the pain you have been experiencing, on all fronts. I am new here, so I am sorry if I say something wrong. But I feel inclined to offer you support it any way I can. We also recently lost a baby (the D & C was on Tuesday because my body was not recognizing it was time to let go) and it is one of the hardest things I have had to go through. The range of emotions is HUGE and I do feel alone...with my husband saying "Oh, we can have another" (see list of stupid things to say!! Lol). I am not sure that I can offer much in the way of "suggestions" or even when you might be feeling a little more like yourself. But you are not alone...obviously I think this board is great for letting that anger and sadness out, so it doesn't poison you from inside. I hope each day gets a little better. I would say I hope the men get a clue...but I am not sure that is possible. Lol.

[sbobodalka]

supermom dont say you dont have anyone, you always have me! I am here no matter what! I am her neighbor