Struggling...

ohnicole · #1 August 3rd, 2010, 12:03 PM

Sorry if this is long and convoluted, but this has been stewing for a while...

The last month or so I have really started coming face to face with something that I had always brushed off. Even after my m/c, even after having horribly long cycles, even after finding out I have a clotting disorder that increases my risk of late loss that almost no one will treat, I still didn't believe it was possible. But now, I am approaching a year since we lost our baby (and a year and a half since we started TTC), and I don't have a BFP yet. Now I have started to let it sink in, that it is possible.

I may never have the chance to get pregnant, grow my baby for 9 months, and then hold my living child in my arms.

And I don't think that it's probable. Most likely I will be able to have at least one baby. But until now I never even considered it as possible that I might not be able to have a baby. And now I just keep thinking, "This isn't a sure thing. All this TTC, all this time, all this emotional turmoil, and all this desire to be a parent doesn't guarantee anything."

Most of me is terrified by this new thought. But there is also a part that wonders whether accepting that possibility might make waiting for my BFP a little easier. Maybe I should take this time that I am waiting for my BFP to dream a new dream of what my family will look like. Maybe I don't have to put my whole life on hold FOREVER because I am SO SURE that I will get my baby, even if it takes 5 or 10 or 15 years.

Because I am no longer SO SURE that it will happen. Those doubts are creeping in. Maybe it's just not meant to be for me.

~InHisHands~ · #2 August 3rd, 2010, 01:37 PM

luvmykids623 · #3 August 3rd, 2010, 02:50 PM

Ashmommyof3.5 · #4 August 3rd, 2010, 03:20 PM

I am so sorry you are feeling this way!! (((HUGS)))

BeccaM · #5 August 3rd, 2010, 05:23 PM

Nicole, I am so sorry that you are struggling. You are not alone in feeling that way. I hope things look up for you soon and you get that BFP that you deserve! BIG HUGZ!!

~LaurenNoel~ · #6 August 3rd, 2010, 06:25 PM

I hear the exact same thing from my SIL, who is one of my closest friends. She has 1 son (took 1+ years to conceive) and they have been trying for number 2 for 2 years now. She has tried everything, opks, charting, meds, changing her diet, ect. They wanted 6 kids, but that's highly unlikely at her age. It kills me to hear the pain in her voice, and the disappointment. It breaks my heart that any woman should ever have to feel the way she does, or you do. You will be in my prayers.

ohnicole · #7 August 3rd, 2010, 07:14 PM

Thanks for the hugs, girls! They are so appreciated!

Lauren, your SIL's story sounds so familiar... part of my sadness is that I always wanted 4 kids, and I am young enough that it is still possible, but not if TTC each child takes as long as this is taking. All this time just adds up. I hope your SIL gets her BFP soon!

KAB · #8 August 3rd, 2010, 07:19 PM

Oh Nicole, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. It's such a painful thing to know the pain personally and then to know that so many other women suffer with it as well is just not fair at all. I will tell you though, that it took me over 3 years to get my first BFP, and I didn't think it was possible at that point. Then, when I had my mc the thought of having to wait over 3 years again, or possibly never becoming pregnant at all again just about killed me. DH and I wanted a big family, but we have come to the realization that we will be very blessed if we even only have one child. I believe we have desires for a reason, and I can't wait to see your dream come true some day. You deserve it, along with every other lady on this board. You'll be in my prayers and I hope that things will start to look up for you soon.

ohnicole · #9 August 3rd, 2010, 07:38 PM

Thanks, Kelly. You're too sweet

Sometimes it's so hard to realize that what you dreamt of for yourself might not match up with reality. As sad as I will be if I have to give up on what I wanted for my DH and I, I do know that I will have my big family, whether I have my kids the 'normal' way or whether it takes 20 years and IVF or adoption (or some combination of all of the above).

It's just really hitting me that the nice, simple, easy way to get to my dream family might not be in the cards. And obviously I have years to go before I give up, but I think if I don't start thinking about a timeline for switching to Plan B or Plan C, I could go down this sad, heartbreaking road until I get to menopause

Nothing is ever as easy as it seems.