[Momo]

I am really really nervous for my inlaws visit coming up. They are coming on the 10th and staying until the 18th. We've never had them stay with us before...partially because we didn't have the room until now and partially because they can be difficult.

So when we called them up to tell them we lost our baby the first thing my fil said to me was, "What did you do to lose the baby? Did you lift your arms over your head? (Old Chinese old wives tale...) Did you do anything too strenuous, what did you do??"

Later, when dh was talking to his mom she was trying to guilt him into something and said, "I TOLD you to be gentle with Sara." implying that he caused the miscarriage. She was fussing about how we didn't respond right away to her flight itinerary (which was sent like the day before my miscarriage so we were rather busy...and then our dog died shortly thereafter as well) so dh had said to her, "Well I just lost my CHILD. Honestly, what's more important, losing a child or responding to an itinerary?" She had the gall to tell him after a moment of silence that the email was more important.

I seriously feel like tearing my hair out with every interaction we have with them. What do I do??? What if they say crap like this to our face? I want to keep the peace because my kids do love them and we did invite them out a while back. But how do I deal with this kind of hateful ignorant speech with grace and patience?

[MeganMomof5]

I'm sorry ...Luckily I haven't had to see my inlaws since last summer...They too were very insesetive to us after both of our losses (They don't know about the last one, and I probably won't even tell them) and I actually confronted my MIL and we haven't talked to them sense...Honestly, if it were me, i'd just flat out tell them that they are rude and you don't want to hear those comments...There's no reason why they should be saying such hurtful things, and need to be told that too...I've also told other people in my life when they were being rude and saying something they shouldn't be saying...Honestly I don't think they'll know unless you tell them...Good luck and I hope their stay isn't too hard on you!

[Momo]

Thanks Megan. What baffles me the most is that my mil had a miscarriage before she had my bil and dh. She should know better as should fil.

We have tried to confront them about things in the past but everytime, with them, it boils down to honoring your father and mother are the most important thing and if we are confronting them then we are not doing that. DH did tell me that if they say hurtful things while they are staying with us, they will be made aware that they are no longer welcome in our home. I just don't want it to come to that. It's a very frustrating relationship. I know they don't like me. I know I'm not who they envisioned for their son.

I am sure I will come in here to let off steam frequently during their 8 day stay....lol.

[MeganMomof5]

It's kind of the same situation here...I've now been with DH for 12 years and I knew that his mother didn't like me when we got married....She said some hurtful things to me in email before we were married, and it's something I never forgot...All these years she was nice to me, but I knew they were fake, and I think it built up and after I lost Ella, I couldn't deal with it anymore, and the fact that they were really unsupportive of us didn't help...DH agreed with me, but for the longest time he never said anything to them, but things just got worse and he sent her an email and it pretty much went over her head or something, so it didn't help, so I just choose not to talk to them for now...Luckily they live in eastern washington, so we don't have to deal with them too often lol...It's a tough situation, and even with my family, i've been more up front with them when they've been hurtful to me, but it's different since it's my family and I feel like it's my place to say something, and it's his place to deal with his family....I really hope they are more sensetive to you, because you don't need to deal with extra stress on top of what your already dealing with...Maybe have a few strong drinks if you drink lol

[LisaG825]

Just be straight with them and tell them what they are saying is hurting you. Maybe ask them how they would feel if someone said the same remarks to them after they had their loss.

I hope their stay isn't too hard on you. This may be a perfect time to start taking plenty of walks around the neighborhood so you don't have to deal with them as much. It may also help relieve some stress. Good luck and massive hugs!!!

My brother said to me the other day why is it so messy (talking about my house). It isn't like you have any kids running around to take care of. I was pretty p*****. I just told him do not even go there. It wasn't even funny. Not sure if he got the picture or not but I hope he did.

[Brittanie]

Losses were different for our parents to deal with. My mother had a stillbirth and three miscarriages that she never talked about. She said she felt like she just needed to "get over it." It wasn't until I lost Cora that she really started talking about it. So it may be that your MIL is expecting you to do what she did, and "just get over it." I'm not saying it's okay for them to be saying things like that, but that may be part of why.

I agree with the others, let them know that it hurts you. It's SO GREAT that your husband is on your side with this. I've talked to women whose husbands didn't back them against the inlaws, so I'm glad that your husband is standing with you.

Good luck!!

[ashj_1218]

Maybe it won't be as bad as you think? Do they tend to say things to your face too? I know with my MIL, she will be rude and nasty over email and on the phone...but when it comes down to being face-to-face with me, she will be nice and tolerant. I was recently dreading a week-long stay with my in-laws as well, since I am not liked by them and like you, am not what they wanted for their son. But the week went off without a hitch and I was pleasantly surprised! Maybe the same will happen for you I totally get the situation though, it sounds very similar to the one we have with my inlaws (his folks). My hubby is also on my side, but it can be really hard to deal with the stupid stuff they say and do. The email thing sounds TOTALLY like something my MIL would do.

But like the others said, tell her when she says or does something offensive. I found that people like them are bullies and when you stand up to them, they back down. It might make for a couple rough days, but when they realize that you are not putting up with their BS, they will likely settle down and stop being rude to you. And if they don't stop, it is time to tell them they will not be invited back!

For whatever reason, the miscarriage thing has to be generational. Because I hear a lot of people have this issue with their parents...them either being really uncomfortable with the loss or trying to place blame. Even if they have had one before. We dealt with it with my MIL...and she had one too. I guess in their day, they didn't talk about sex or loss like that, as open as we do. So it was taboo. Maybe they really do think they caused their losses and that we are causing ours. I am not sure, but I would just flat out say "Miscarriages don't happen because we did something wrong. They are a fact of nature and I appreciate some support in my grieving process." Hang in there!! If you ever want to whine about in-laws...I will be right there with ya!! Lol

[Momo]

Thank you all for your support. It's sad so many of us have had to deal with ignorance and insensitivity from people who should love us unconditionally! Unfortunately, last time my inlaws were out they were rude to us the whole time to our faces. When we tried talking to them about it it all came back to how we were really the ones at fault because we weren't honoring them.

I'm trying really hard to just bathe this whole visit in prayer, that God will keep my heart soft and protected from bitterness and anger creeping in. I figure if I respond in love to even their most ridiculous comments, they will have no ammo against me if we do confront them.

[luvmykids623]

After my losses my MIL was terrible to me, and so was my mother. That really surprised me, because she had a m/c at 11wks before she had me. Brittanie's right about it being different for them. My mom told me she had to just get over it, and that's what I needed to do, because it wasn't even really a baby that I lost it was just some tissue. I also have the same problem that you do with the honoring the elders deal. That's how I was brought up, and it is extremely difficult for me to tell my mother, MIL, etc how they're making me feel. It always gets turned around to being DHs or my fault. I wish you a lot of luck, and I hope that they surprise you in a good way and leave their nasty attitudes and comments at home.

[msshamis23]

*hugs* I am totally right there with ya. Right after the ectopic, every twinge I had that was pain, or if something seemed off I would talk to DH about it, and he in turn having no one else to really ask about stuff like this asked his mom, and told her his worries. (Like me having a tube rupture, or even losing an ovary) and she told me flat to my face one day when she came over, 'He's worrying for nothing. There isn't anything to worry about. So what if you lose an ovary or a tube?' like something like that wasn't a big deal. Or hinting that she never wanted us to have kids anyway. (like they didn't even say anything after the ectopic either. and by anything I mean anything. They don't even acknowledge we had any problems) Not that i'm looking for or needing sympathy or anything, but it wouldn't of killed them to at least comfort their son in some way.

Inlaws? Bah!

Feel free to vent all week!!

[~InHisHands~]

I don't really know other than to lean on God but it sounds like you are already doing that.