Complaining....

stargatemommy · #1 August 15th, 2010, 03:10 PM

I took a look through the playroom I should be apart of (The one from my longest pregnancy) which probably wasn't a smart thing to do. There is a a lady complaining about her child's first birthday because she has PTSD from her birth experience...

Now I don't actually know her story, or how horrible her birth experience was. But I would have killed to have a healthy child, no matter how horrible the birthing process was! I wanted to post that she was being ridiculous and that she should be glad she has her child! I didn't. I didn't want to start any trouble. I really wish I has my little girl here with me.....

I suppose I should go to past DDCs and PRs it just makes me sad/angry.

luvmykids623 · #2 August 15th, 2010, 03:19 PM

That kind of thing really gets to me too. It also gets to me when pregnant women, especially those who have never experienced a loss, are constantly miserable and complaining about every little ache, pain, and wave of nausea they experience. I find it gets worse the closer to birth it gets. It's fine to vent about being uncomfortable and such, but when they're constantly griping it gets on my last nerve. How about the women who would kill to know what the discomfort is like and to have a healthy baby?

~LaurenNoel~ · #3 August 15th, 2010, 03:39 PM

I know how you feel, but there is a big difference between how one sees those things before/after a loss. Wesley almost died while I was trying to have him, and I ended up with an emergency c/s (and PPD from it all). Now that I have lost 2 babies, I think I would have been much more positive about getting him out alive, and focused less on what went wrong.

stargatemommy · #4 August 15th, 2010, 03:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~LaurenNoel~

I know how you feel, but there is a big difference between how one sees those things before/after a loss. Wesley almost died while I was trying to have him, and I ended up with an emergency c/s (and PPD from it all). Now that I have lost 2 babies, I think I would have been much more positive about getting him out alive, and focused less on what went wrong.

You are right. I can only see this from one side...

.:Shortcake:. · #5 August 15th, 2010, 04:10 PM

Hugs! I don't visit the DDC's/PR that I should be in for that exact reason.

Fallen2Love · #6 August 15th, 2010, 05:19 PM

On the forum section title you can hit the "plus/minus" thing to hide those areas. I did that for a while after I had a loss. I just didn't want to see the TTC/DDC sections. It helped a lot with the urge to just take a look and see what was going on. It wasn't healthy for me.

I've been on both sides. It is really hard to understand without being on both sides, IMO. I have beyond happy that DD is here and happy and healthy. I would take a negative birth experience over a m/c -- but by the same token DD almost died during L&D. It was very tramatic for both of us.
Both expereinces are very, very different in my eyes, however, both still require a grieveing process even if the end results vary (significantly).

Brittanie · #7 August 15th, 2010, 05:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stargatemommy

You are right. I can only see this from one side...

I'm with you. I might actually have real ptsd from my first birth experience (I majored in psychology, and while I never got my degree, I still can't put up with people claiming things like that when the real thing is so different). I don't know that I'd ever actually consider a birth experience where I'm in labor with a living child and get to take the child home traumatic. I try to ignore posts like that, since I always want to answer "Yeah, well I gave birth to a baby I knew was already dead, and for her first birthday I took flowers to her resting place, get over it."

Sorry, a bit bitter today.

dreamer10 · #8 August 15th, 2010, 07:40 PM

Loss changes us. It just does. And although we wouldnt wish that on anyone we have feelings that others cannot understand. I know how you feel Erica....it just seems like if they could look at the positive in thier situation they might not be so down about how baby got here...but that they got here ok. My sister in law had a hard birth with her first child and for years we had to hear about it...years! We all thought like you guys do....just get over it because you have a beautiful healthy baby boy...but she just couldn't get it....she had never had a loss before. I feel sad for those people sometimes...and at the same time I am happy for them that they don't know how we feel. Loss is just so devastating....

KDD · #9 August 15th, 2010, 08:05 PM

I was once at a candle party and 2 of the other guests were talking about pregnancy and their babies and just complaining about every little thing. I just wanted to shout at them "but you have healthy, living babies - so shut up!".

Brittanie · #10 August 15th, 2010, 08:22 PM

Okay, there ARE instances when it can be very traumatic, I understand that. I've read birth stories where women are outright violated. I understand that. But....to be upset over your baby's first birthday over that? I don't have any patience for that anymore.

Kary♥RN · #11 August 15th, 2010, 08:43 PM

I agree with you.... I can't stand people complaining about thier healty kids... I just want to scream at them.... Don't you understand how lucky you are!!!!! I am so sorry you would like to complain... would you like to hear my story??? I bet they wouldn't complain after any of us told them out journies!!!!

~LaurenNoel~ · #12 August 16th, 2010, 06:56 AM

I agree that complaining over every pregnancy symptom is foolish. I did not sit there on Wesley's first birthday and think, man I hated his birth. I do still have nightmares of when the doctor was yelling at the nurses "Prep her. I don't want a dead baby," after Wesley's heart stopped again.

Just remember, we would never want anyone else telling us, "Hey, it's been 2 years, get over it." Even after a healthy pregnancy, we would still feel the loss of the child that was not born alive. After being on both sides of this, I just think it is wrong to say that a woman's feelings are not valid for one reason, or another.

stargatemommy · #13 August 16th, 2010, 07:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~LaurenNoel~

I agree that complaining over every pregnancy symptom is foolish. I did not sit there on Wesley's first birthday and think, man I hated his birth. I do still have nightmares of when the doctor was yelling at the nurses "Prep her. I don't want a dead baby," after Wesley's heart stopped again.

Just remember, we would never want anyone else telling us, "Hey, it's been 2 years, get over it." Even after a healthy pregnancy, we would still feel the loss of the child that was not born alive. After being on both sides of this, I just think it is wrong to say that a woman's feelings are not valid for one reason, or another.

I am not trying to invalidate her feelings.... I have no doubt that what she experienced was traumatic for her. But I have an issue with her being selfish and making her child birthday into a drama about her... It one thing to one thing to be sad for a moment or two (or even a while, "behind the scenes"), but if your so consumed with it that you hate celebrating your child's life, that annoying! Again, I would love the opportunity to switch places with her and have a healthy child to celebrate with!

Brittanie · #14 August 16th, 2010, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stargatemommy

It one thing to one thing to be sad for a moment or two (or even a while, "behind the scenes"), but if your so consumed with it that you hate celebrating your child's life, that annoying!

Also, what does that say to your child? "I hated your birth so much that I don't want to celebrate you." Yes, they won't remember their first birthday, but...when does it end? I have done my very best to put my trauma behind me. On Cora's birthday, I try to make it a day about celebrating her life, instead of mourning her death. And I don't even have her living here to have a party for. With both my subsequent pregnancies, I had flashbacks of the doctor telling me her heart wasn't beating, and of that image of her still heart on the screen. But I never said I couldn't celebrate my children because of that trauma.

I think it's a matter of focus. I believe that people should try to emphasize the good things in their lives rather than the bad. In this case, yes, birth can be traumatic, but why focus on that when you have a beautiful baby to focus on instead?

~LaurenNoel~ · #15 August 16th, 2010, 09:19 AM

I totally agree with you ladies on that one.

ldovey83 · #16 August 16th, 2010, 09:42 AM

I can see both sides but I agree with Brittanie.. People should definitely try to focus on the good things and not dwell on the bad things....

Halfbaked · #17 August 16th, 2010, 04:02 PM

I had a horrible birth experience. My 5th was born, en caul with no one there. When they took her away, she wasn't breathing or had a heart beat and the nurse just kept telling me she was so sorry. I thought she was dead and I was alone. I had a full abruption and then hemorrhaged myself. After all of that, and her spending 3 months in the nicu, it made her birthday more special. The fact that she was healthy made me cherish everything even more. I never just git over it, but I looked back on it as a moment of growth for me.

After all that, and now having a loss, it's the pregnant ladies I see in the convenient store, buying boos and complaining about how their doctor won't induce them at 36 weeks that make me mad. Not because I didn't get to experience that, but because they don't realize what they are missing out on. I want to just tell them how lucky they are, but I never do. Some things you have to go through yourself before you have that moment of eureka.