Visit with the inlaws did NOT go well VENT

Momo · #1 August 16th, 2010, 10:23 AM

Let's just say, they were supposed to stay until Wednesday but last night around 11, I called a cab for them and they went on their way.

What a joke. I have the most selfish self centered mother in law. Seriously. She was furious that we have a few rules in our home (such as, don't take baths at 3 in the morning - the bathroom is right by the kids bedrooms and wakes them up!!, don't turn on all the lights in the middle of the night - again, it wakes up the kids). Common sense anyone? Well they felt "limited" by us and they never treated their parents like that and it's as if we think of kids more then them....uh....yeah??!! You think so? They're our KIDS! I can't even write it all out but the whole thing got started because my dh and I confronted my fil and asked him to not call our eldest son names like bad boy. It was fine, he was fine with it, we worked it out, whatever. 30 minutes later mil storms around the house packing her things. She won't even look at us, talk to us, so rude. And later on when dh tried to get her to come downstairs and talk, she poked him in the forehead with her finger and told him that he's a bad son.

I have never seen my husband so furious!

Finally when they came down to "talk" my mil wouldn't even look at me. At all. NOt once the entire conversation! I am not exagerating. And she also refused to speak in English even though she speaks it perfectly. So childish and rude. I am just done with that woman. And worst of all, they were complaining how we aren't serving them at all so I started to cry and was listing out how hard I had worked to make our home nice. I bought new furniture for the guest room, gathered up creature comforts for their stay, planned and cooked difficult Chinese meals so they'd have familiar food. And, I said, on top of it all I just lost my baby so it's been hard. She was just dead pan, staring straight ahead, and said, Well I feel like I will die. After that, I said I will call a cab, I got up, called one, and 20 minutes later they were gone. We even apologized for our part in not helping things (I yelled at her) and we told them we forgive them regardless but that their actions are more far reaching than they realize. They left without an apology, without saying goodbye to their grandsons, I was just in psychopath lane last night. But it's been nice having them gone. My mil is toxic.

So self centered. Worst of all, I found out later that she told dh, after he told them that I was missing a wedding shower because I was having a bad day (which I was, I got af and just got hit by flashbacks of my mc and couldn't go to the shower) and that I was missing our baby. She told him that I needed to get over it, that it happens to every woman, and that it's not a big deal!

And earlier that day she had said that I wasn't feeling well and I said yeah, physically and also that I miss my baby as it's been a month. She started laughing, LAUGHING, and said and you lost your dog too! I am done with her. How can someone be so heartless are evil?

MeganMomof5 · #2 August 16th, 2010, 10:28 AM

OMG it sounds like a horrible visit...i'm sorry

Pitridge · #3 August 16th, 2010, 10:34 AM

I'm sorry..............She sounds like she could get the "worse mil" award. I'm glad that she is gone, out of your hair.
On a side note, this weekend doesn't seem to be a good weekend for in-laws, we had some and now I'm furious.

luvmykids623 · #4 August 16th, 2010, 10:37 AM

I'm so sorry! She sounds like pure evil!

NutMeg76 · #5 August 16th, 2010, 11:41 AM

How horrible! What a horrible, miserable woman.

dreamer10 · #6 August 16th, 2010, 11:53 AM

Oh my...what a horrible person. I am sure she has some good qualities, but she sure didn't bring them with her, did she? You go ahead and mourn your loss and try to get her out of your mind. I am so sorry...it's so hard when people in general are that way...but it's so much worse when it's family. They are the ones who are supposed to love and support you through tough times, not laugh at you through them. Ugh...shake her off!

Momo · #7 August 16th, 2010, 12:29 PM

The sad thing is she was great with my boys. She played with them, was helping clean up after meals, ect. Bu then it was like psycho switch went off. I thought the visit was going well. And then like I turned around and it was a nightmare.

KDD · #8 August 16th, 2010, 01:28 PM

I usually look for the good in people, but I'm having a hard time with your MIL. She sounds very selfish. I'm sure that you won't miss having her around. And who takes a bath at 3am? Really?

*Melissa* · #9 August 16th, 2010, 03:39 PM

LOL, no kidding, who DOES take baths at 3 am?? Sara.. you did everything you could to make their stay comfortable. I would say you even went a couple extra miles. Leave them in God's hands... Love ya!!

Kary♥RN · #10 August 16th, 2010, 10:39 PM

WOW... I am speechless.. What a heartless cruel *****! Yes the B word that will most likely be *** out!! I would be sooooo DONE! I am so sorry that you had to be treated like that.. and your DH... Hugs to you both!

MamaRN · #11 August 17th, 2010, 08:53 AM

Ooooooooooooh my Goodness. I am impressed that you even called them a cab. I would have booted her *** out on the porch, locked the door and turned off the lights.

What a witch!!! I am so sorry you had to deal with that!

Servilia · #12 August 17th, 2010, 09:54 AM

Good riddance! She was in YOUR home and has to respect you, no matter what issues she may have with you. You did the right thing. People like that are toxic and will bring down anyone they can.

Celena · #13 August 17th, 2010, 10:24 AM

Momo, I'm so sorry

we should cast our MIL's out banishing them to psycho island together. They'd probably kill each other like two fighting cocks.

I have to say kudos to DH for standing up to her and y'all both sitting down to talk with them, even if they're not acknowledging how fricked up they are now I hope that it all sinks in even if they never admit it. Good for you for letting the door hit them in the *** !

baby7 · #14 August 17th, 2010, 10:37 AM

I know you are venting and came for support. I also have a psyco MIL. Oh dear, the stories I could tell about my MIL, but now that I'm older I feel sad for her because I have to wonder if she's on the austism spectrum because she has a definite disconnect w/ social cause and effect. Since I am old now, there are a few things that hit me from your story, that you might think about when it comes time to see them again.

The first thing I thought, since you said she speaks Chinese, is maybe there are some cultural issues. Aren't Asian cultures very big on reverance for elders? I'm sure she though you were disrespecting her. My dh takes a shower 5 days a week at 3 o'clock am in our bathroom that is directly inbetween two bedrooms holding 6 kids. No one ever wakes up. If your MIL did wake them up, I'd probably say, "GREAT, NOW BOND WITH THEM, I'm going to bed." I don't know how old she is but older people sometimes have trouble sleeping through the night and she probably thought a bath would help her sleep.

The laughing - when faced with severe emotion or I am nervous and do not feel emotionally safe or free to show my real emotions I put a wall up which means I laugh (chortle?) and/or shut off. Sometimes it's laugh or cry and saving face (which may be important to an older lady from Asian culture) would means doing anything to NOT CRY.

Also, during my most recent miscarriage I got nasty w/ a friend and normally I avoid drama at all cost. Dealing with our own pain makes it harder when we have to deal with other people's issues.

Relationships aren't easy. I'm sorry you're hurting.

Momo · #15 August 17th, 2010, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by baby7

I know you are venting and came for support. I also have a psyco MIL. Oh dear, the stories I could tell about my MIL, but now that I'm older I feel sad for her because I have to wonder if she's on the austism spectrum because she has a definite disconnect w/ social cause and effect. Since I am old now, there are a few things that hit me from your story, that you might think about when it comes time to see them again.

The first thing I thought, since you said she speaks Chinese, is maybe there are some cultural issues. Aren't Asian cultures very big on reverance for elders? I'm sure she though you were disrespecting her. My dh takes a shower 5 days a week at 3 o'clock am in our bathroom that is directly inbetween two bedrooms holding 6 kids. No one ever wakes up. If your MIL did wake them up, I'd probably say, "GREAT, NOW BOND WITH THEM, I'm going to bed." I don't know how old she is but older people sometimes have trouble sleeping through the night and she probably thought a bath would help her sleep.

The laughing - when faced with severe emotion or I am nervous and do not feel emotionally safe or free to show my real emotions I put a wall up which means I laugh (chortle?) and/or shut off. Sometimes it's laugh or cry and saving face (which may be important to an older lady from Asian culture) would means doing anything to NOT CRY.

Also, during my most recent miscarriage I got nasty w/ a friend and normally I avoid drama at all cost. Dealing with our own pain makes it harder when we have to deal with other people's issues.

Relationships aren't easy. I'm sorry you're hurting.

I understand that you are trying to open my eyes up to their point of view but I've been there done that. I've been married to my husband and into this family for over five years and I know what I'm dealing with. I've had to deal with racism from them from the start. There is no way for me to be who she wants me to be. I could never be the daughter in law she wants. Heck, I can't even grieve properly according to her. Every effort we make is stonewalled by discontent, dissatisfaction and anger. There is a reason that her oldest son has basically cut both his parents out of his life. We just kept trying. It's hard to keep trying when every time results in more hurt. My heart can only be stabbed so many times before I close the door and throw away the key. You don't know this family, you don't know how hard I've tried, and you don't know how cold they can be. Selfishness knows no cultural barriers.

And thank you all for your kind words of support. I hate that I keep crying about it but I am the kind of person who gets along with everyone. I foolishly assumed they'd see how hard I tried this visit. But disrespecting my husband, me, our parenting, our unborn child, our living children, it's too much for me to bear and still be civil and open and warm and welcoming. Just too much.

*Melissa* · #16 August 17th, 2010, 12:51 PM

I know Sara IRL, probably better than a LOT of people know her. She is one of the most loving, caring, gracious and forgiving people I know. She is empathetic and kind. She went the extra mile twice when it came to her in laws. This was NOT a culture clash. Sara is very smart and educated herself, tried to be the best DIL she could.
I know that the PP was trying to understand from MIL's point of view, but in this particular circumstance, Sara was 100% in the right, and unfortunately MIL will be the one that has to live with the regrets. We can always hope and pray that there eventually IS healing though.
She mentioned on several occasions some of the good qualities MIL has like being good with the kids. But if someone is being toxic to your family and your kids, it isnt healthy, in ANY culture.