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DAng it I think I figured it out...


Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  #1  
August 18th, 2010, 07:32 PM
ldovey83's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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So I was looking into the 5 stages of grief and I think I know why I havn't gotten myself to cry yet.... I am still only in the first two stages...

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me", looking for the former spouse in familia places, or if it is death, setting the table for the person or acting as if they are still in living there. No crying. Not accepting or even acknowledging the loss.

2-Anger-"why me?", feelings of wanting to fight back or get even with spouse of divorce, for death, anger at the deceased, blaming them for leaving.

I have actually found myself doing this lately too.... Like I keep denying it is happening and sometimes try to put it off, but physically I know I can't deny it is happening for to long cause the physical signs of miscarrrying is there..... Then I am angry.. I am very angry.. I do keep asking why me.. Why do I have to kee going through this, and why can't I be one of the luck ones that get to make it and see a healthy baby.... It's not fair.... I think once I get over this I might can move onto the the other steps and maybe start seeing some closure... I just don't know how long this anger thing is gonna last though... My heart is broken, and right now I just don't know what can fix it... Nothing can right now...

3-Bargaining-bargaining often takes place before the loss. Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

OK I did do bargaining.. I did it before hand, and even in the ER I got hopeful and bargined that maybe I would be one of those that just has random bleeding and for once it wasn't me loosing the baby... Ok so I am in 3 steps right now...

Just thought I would share.. Sorry it is kind of long.
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  #2  
August 18th, 2010, 08:54 PM
MeganMomof5's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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(((Hugs))) I'm right there with you...I have cried, but not much...I wish you were closer and you could attend the pregnancy loss support group with me...She talked about the stages of grief with me.
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  #3  
August 18th, 2010, 09:16 PM
tobi4's Avatar Tobi
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I took some psychology courses and our professors told us that although there are 5 stages, not everyone will experience all of them, or you can go back and forth through the stages. Like stage 1 then 2 then back to 1, or skip some but all are completely normal. You will get through it hun, Im just sorry you are have to. ~hugs~
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  #4  
August 18th, 2010, 10:53 PM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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The standard 5-stage model I don't really like. It was based mostly on study of people diagnosed with terminal illnesses. I mean, it's sort of the same, yes, but it's a bit different too. I do agree with you though, while you're stuck in denial, you can't move very much further. But Tobi is very right, don't expect that you'll always go in that order.


I'm going to copy and past a blog post I made on this very thing in April

I majored in psychology for 2 years before I had to stop (I won't get into why I had to, but I just want to say it wasn't because I wanted stop, or that I didn't want to finish). Anyone who has studied psychology even passingly has probably come across the Kubler-Ross model of the 5 stages of grief. Now, many people try to use this as an example for people dealing with grief of the death of a loved one, but it doesn't really fit. Ms. Kubler-Ross was actually identifying the stages of grief for someone who has received the diagnosis of a terminal illness. For the death of a loved one, I actually like this one.

Either way, though, it's a bit misleading. They outline a process where you progress forward from one stage to another. When you move to the next one, you're "done" with the previous one, and at the end....you're "done" grieving. In my experience that's not it at all. Each one of those stages is very valid, but I think I'm going to call them "phases" instead. Grief has several different emotional "colors," and each phase is dominated by one of those emotions.

But moving from one to the other doesn't mean that you're "done" with the one or that they go in order or in any way that makes sense.

To me it's like the universe is playing pinball, and I'm the ball.

Something triggers it, and my grief explodes in an unpredictable pattern, going through one or another phase and not stopping at others at all. Sometimes I can see it coming, and I brace myself, and I am lobbed gently through the pins, only touching one or two for a brief moment before gently coming to rest again. Other times it comes out of nowhere, and I violently ricochet from one to another and back again, bouncing around, dizzy, and it takes a while to recover.

When I first lost Cora, after I'd recovered from the shock enough to think for a bit, I thought of the model of the stages of grief. I was grateful for my knowledge, because I felt a little more "prepared" for my journey.

The universe has had the last laugh though.
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  #5  
August 19th, 2010, 08:16 AM
ohnicole's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Lindsey, I'm sorry you have to go through the grieving process again I hope you let yourself feel what you need to, we are here for you!
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  #6  
August 19th, 2010, 09:36 AM
ldovey83's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks ladies..

Brittanie that was a very nice blog entry.... Maybe I should take up blogging.. I just don't want to pay for it or I am not sure about writing yet.. I guess I shall see.
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  #7  
August 19th, 2010, 10:30 AM
Brittanie's Avatar just me
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ldovey83 View Post
Thanks ladies..

Brittanie that was a very nice blog entry.... Maybe I should take up blogging.. I just don't want to pay for it or I am not sure about writing yet.. I guess I shall see.
I've never paid for a blog. blogspot is free. And maybe try a journal instead? Sometimes it's easier to write about things like this if its private.

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