[JesSsica]

Hi everybody.

I just wanted to pop on and say "hi". I haven't been posting like I used to because at this moment in time there just isn't a good place for me here. I'm not TTC, I'm not really waiting because I don't think we're going to be trying again, I'm obviously not pregnant, and my kids are too old for the playgroups. This board has been where I've posted the most (besides my last DDC) so you guys get my greeting. LOL

Things with me are fine. I'm finally motivated to lose the "baby" weight that I put on over the last six months for so. I'm down 6lbs and hoping to lose lots and lots more before the holidays.

We're still trying to sell my house (the one I lived in before my dh and I got married) and until that happens we wouldn't even dream of having unprotected sex. LOL We decided it would be financially irresponsible to even think about TTC while we still have two mortgages.

Once my house sells, we'll see, but I think my dh and I are kind of past it now. Sad but true...

I'm still excited for everyone who is getting their BFP's and I'm crossing my fingers for everyone else. I just missed you all and wanted to say hi.

... stepping back into lurk mode now....

[ohnicole]

Hi Jessica! I'm sorry that you don't feel like you have a place here on JM anymore. You are definitely welcome to hang out here even if you aren't TTC (but you might get serious baby fever doing that ).

I'm glad you're losing weight! It sounds like you are really motivated. I hope your house sells quickly!

It's good to hear from you!

[missy123]

Hey Jessica,

Besides selling your house, I could have written what you wrote!

I don't really belong here as we are not TTC, but at the same time I have to visit.

I hope you sell your house soon!

[tobi4]

Hi Jessica! Nice to see ya!
Good to see you are doing so great! Thats wonderful, Im happy to hear it
The last I had heard was that you were going to be doing some testing while you were taking a year long ttc break ... have you decided to not have the testing done?
Anyways if you are happy with your decision, then I am happy for you both! I think that if my dbf and I were ok with making that same decision, we could move on and start doing some of the other things we want, that ttc really has us postponing.
Miss you, hope to hear from you again soon!

[T_Mommy]

Glad you are doing well and keeping busy and seem to have some peace with ttc. In my experience, sometimes there is never a "perfect" time to have a baby and you just have to let go or let it happen when it happens. Enjoy your dh and family.

[JesSsica]

Tobi, good memory. hehe We did end up having the testing. The chromosomal testing on my dh came back totally normal. My testing was all fine except for the anti-lupus coagulant was high. That means that blood clots were probably the reason for my losses and an aspirin a day during pregnancy resolves that.

I have so much peace knowing that could very well be what happened, but on the other hand how sad to think that I could have potentially had three very healthy babies that were just affected by my blood being too "clotty" to give them proper nutrition (clogging the placenta). Who knows.

At least in the future I should potentially be ok if we decide to try again if I take an aspirin so if we cross that bridge again, that's very, very encouraging. Emotionally I'm ok with being on hold for an extended period of time because these losses have affected me a lot. On the outside I'm fine but on the inside I think I'm struggling more than I realize. Putting distance between me and the emotional roller coaster is not a bad thing.

If/when we TTC again I want a fresh start, a lower number on the scale, and one mortgage. If/when that time comes I'll feel much better about the whole thing. THanks for remembering.

[HopefulMommy81]

So nice to see you! I remember you from when I was here before as well. Good luck on losing weight- I am currently attempting that but I'm not doing very well Hope to see you more often, even if you're not TTC it's nice to see you!

[.:Shortcake:.]

Glad to hear from you Even if your not TTC we still love having you around!

[JesSsica]

Thanks girls! When I'm not posting away here I spend a lot less time on the computer. Somedays that's a good thing, other days I'm bored! LOL

[Celena]

Hi Jessica!

I'm glad you're popping in for a visit, but you don't have to feel like you cannot come and post more often I'm glad to hear you're ok overall. Wondered how you're doing, but I know when you're up for it you'd come by or come back. Glad that you and DH are in a place right now at peace with things being on hold for however long or not long, but I am very sorry that you're struggling internally with your losses. Don't think that we ever have a truly normal day anymore post-loss(es) but eventually we have more good days than bad. Certainly hope that there's some peace that grows within you with your Little One's.

[JesSsica]

Thanks, Celena. I truly do have many more good days than bad, but my problem is that I have a good memory for dates and I have had someone close to me have a baby or are due to have a baby right next to each of my due dates. It doesn't make me jealous or sad, it just makes me keep thinking, "... I would be XX weeks along right now too..." or "... my baby would be one week older than that baby..." You know, the normal post-loss thinking.

I don't cry anymore and I don't ever feel really down, it's just on my mind way more than it should be. I want to stop thinking about pregnancy and babies but I just can't. I'm STILL feeling too that I don't want a baby anymore so this shouldn't be affecting me like this.