[Celena]

• of what you thought about miscarriage before you ever had one?
  
• how did it make you feel to hear about someone having one?
  
• how did you react?
  
• your comprehension of what they were going thru?
  
• and other things you'd like to share....
  (like what you wished you knew then what you know now, what you'd like to share with those who haven't had a loss, & ....)

We always talk about this either on the board or on chat.... It is always a hot topic, because allot of times when someone hasn't gone thru one they mostly cannot directly relate. They have insensitive things to say and lack social skills when talking to those of us who are going thru the traumatic loss(es).

[ohnicole]

Before I had my loss, I never knew anyone who had a m/c, so honestly I had never really thought that much about it. I'm sure that I wouldn't have been able to understand how truly horrible and all-encompassing it is. I really believe that is something no one can understand until they've been through it.

I try to be understanding of people who make unknowingly hurtful comments because honestly I'm sure I would have said them had I known a loved one who miscarried before my loss. But what really gets me is the people who say the comments without even asking how you are doing, or without even saying they're sorry for your loss.

I guess it's easy to be angry with them even if I would have said the same thing if the situation was reversed. And if being angry with them helps me deal with my pain even the tiniest little bit, then I'll be angry

[missy123]

This is raw but truthful:

I was one of those "friends" that didn't help out at all because I did not understand what it meant... I had such easy pregnancies with the boys and thought that was how it worked. I figured if someone had a miscarriage there must have been something wrong and it was all for the better and you try again. I only heard of miscarriage on tv, never from personal family or friend experience. It is something that was never discussed.

Wow, has my perception changed. Miscarriage is the loss of a child, a baby that was growing inside of you... one that should be in your arms now. It is a loss of life, and hurts just as much as the death of someone you have known your whole life.

[Pitridge]

To be honest and truthful, I did not know anyone close to me that had a m/c. One of dh friends he wife had a m/c and I felt bad for her but truthfully I thought, well there is something wrong the baby, is not like it was born....It's harsh but at the time we were even thinking about kids, so I didn't understand.
Now, things are different, I try to be as supportive as possible. My m/c was at 10w, the baby stopped growing at 8w. His/her second birthday would off been in a week. No matter what, to me it's a death in the family and should be grief as such.
Now for the very harsh part and please forgive me it it offends anyone.
I'm surrounded by scientist, so I know that m/c happens for a reason and I know that there was something wrong with my baby and that's why he/she is not in my arms, it sucks but I understand that it was for the better.

[AmyLM]

I know a lot of people that have had m/c. I also used to work in Labor and Delivery and an ER so, I have seen a lot of loss and hurt in my lifetime. That doesn't mean that I knew what it was like to lose a baby. I always tried to be as compassionate as possible and to really watch what I said because I never wanted my good intentions to be take the wrong way or to sound like a horses arse. Being compassionate, though, didn't set me up for *knowing* what it is like. I could, at the time, imagine that it was horrible but didn't know the pain of how horrible it really is. From a scientific standpoint, I completely understand that there is a reason for it such as some sort of anomoly. I try to combine the science with my religious belief and come to the conclusion that God didn't want me to have the (forgive my wording) burden of a child with terrible birth defects. Then I wonder why He even let me get pregnant with that baby to begin with. Maybe so I'll know to stop the medication I was on so I can go on to have a healthy baby...

In my line of work, m/c was a (very) daily thing. So, I got used to it happening around me. Now, sadly, I know the pain of it, all the "why" questions, and am so filled with the type of hope and fear I've never had before. I was full of hope and fear before but, not like this.

[MeganMomof5]

I did have a very early pregnancy loss when I was 18 years old, but I don't really talk about it or count it...I guess I blocked it out for the most part...I don't know how far along I was (I hadn't seen a doctor), but i'm pretty sure I was very early...I got pregnant with my oldest daughter soon after.

So any way, before I experianced a loss (after I had 4 healthy kids), I felt bad, but I didn't really understand how much it really does hurt....I really didn't give it much thought...I thought that it happens to other people and not me...I'd get pregnant and have a baby and I never worried about losing a pregnancy...I do know from my personal experiance in the last 10 months, having a stillbirth, and 2 miscarriages, that my miscarriages as much as they hurt and as sad as I am, I don't hurt and miss those babies as much as I miss Ella...I do think of them a lot, but they weren't as real to me as she was (My 2nd loss was more so because I was farther a long)...I'm not saying it's that way for everyone, but it is for me...I also wanted to point out to Pitridge that not all pregnancy losses happen because something is wrong with the baby...I know for a fact that my last pregnancy was healthy, and the baby was miscarried because of the blood clot and probably from my blood clotting problem...Sometimes pregnancy loss happens because of other problems, not just because something is wrong with the baby...I think that makes it harder on me, I know that my last 2 pregnancy losses, the babies were probably healthy, but it was something that could of been fixed that killed them

[msshamis23]

As much as I hate to say it, I had a blind eye, when it came to m/c. I thought that if m/c's occurred then it was because there was something wrong with the baby, and it was better for it to have happened. I know I know, you can yell, or throw sticks at me if you want. But I had also not known anyone while they were going through the m/c. I did know someone who did, but she was more grateful that it happened because she was way to young and the father wasn't in the picture and the cause was because of a birth defect. I can't say what I would have said, or done. More than likely it would have been an 'I'm sorry' It wouldn't have occurred to me to have said for your loss because it wouldn't have seemed that way to me.

BUT, now I just wanna smack myself on the side of the head for thinking that way. I know now, that a loss is a loss no matter what! While, some might grieve more (if it was the loss of a family member, or friend), but it doesn't mean because your baby wasn't born yet it doesn't mean you don't grieve and feel it just as much!

That is one thing that i've been able to think positively about, from my loss. It helped my closed mindedness.

[Halfbaked]

Before I had a m/c I never really knew anyone that had one. I had an early loss before my first and then a chemical pregnancy before my second. Neither were very real to me. After that, my SIL had a m/c but she never even told anyone she was pregnant so when I heard about it, it was many months later and she was pregnant with her son. She didn't talk about it so I never brought it up. She had another m/c this year but again, she never told anyone and doesn't talk about it so I still don't know how to say anything to her. A different SIL had a baby at 16 weeks. I never knew she was pregnant and she also doesn't talk about it. I asked her DH once if they named the baby and he acted like I was crazy. It was just a miscarriage to him and the thought never crossed his mind to give the baby a name. They chose not to have anymore and to me, act like it just never happened. I may be wrong, but the news made me cry and didn't seem to affect them. They have never said anything about (I found out from my MIL) and I'll never bring it up.

Before I had a m/c, I always thought it was sad but didn't fully understand how much it hurt. Since no one I know ever talked about it, I just thought it was no big deal and nothing to talk about. After having mine at 8wks, I needed to talk about it but had no one I could talk to. I wonder if those I know felt the same way. I wish I had just asked if there was anything I could do for those I know that had a m/c. Maybe it would have opened up that barrier of not talking about it.

[Brittanie]

Sadly, there are a LOT of losses in my family. My mother's parents' first was stillborn, my father's parents' first daughter (just younger than my dad) died just before her 3rd birthday. My dad's living sister had 6 consecutive miscarriages before having her 6 healthy kids. All of my mother's sisters have miscarried, and my mother's sister Trina also has IC and lost 3 babies between 18-22 weeks. My mother herself had a 21 week stillbirth and 3 miscarriages. So, needless to say...I have always expected it to happen to me.

BUT...I never expected it to be so late in the pregnancy. Grandma lost her baby boy Lynn during labor, but that was 56 years ago. I thought that stillbirth didn't really happen anymore.

I always sort of comprehended what it meant for a family. I saw my mother's pain, though she never really talked about it until Cora opened the door for her to be able to. Also, when I was 16 a 2-year-old boy I babysat 2x a month his entire life drowned in his bathtub and died 2 days later. I loved him fiercely, so I sort of got a taste of what it was like then.

And I always told myself I would never be able to handle it.

[little.lili]

I knew they could happen... I knew my aunt had one... I've talked to many people who've had them... And my heart broke for them... I always thought it would be so awful... I had baby fever for a long time, so the thought of getting pregnant after waiting and TTC, and then loosing the baby... It just really seemed unfair and tragic. Even so, I never thought I'd be in that position... I really didn't.

But I always thought of the emotional pain... not the physical... I think I was unprepared for all the bleeding, the cramps, just everything. I think that is what really shocked me. I had never seen so much blood in my life... And just hearing the nurses talk right there next to me, trying to do all they could to make me comfortable...

I didn't expect all that... and it put me in a state of shock... I still think I am in shock sometimes...

[JesSsica]

Before I had losses I lived in the world of "that doesn't happen to me". My kids came effortless to me. I got pregnant during cycle 2 with each pregnancy, peed on a stick, got my BFP, told the world, and then pushed a baby out nine months later. Easy=peezy.

I saw people have early losses before/during/after my pregnancies and I felt sad for them. That was all. I didn't think I needed to "do" anything for them, just told them I was sorry and thought that was enough. I never dreamed they would be suffering. If you have a loss you just try again and of course the next one will be fine. Naive!

I don't think I was insensitive, I just wasn't empathetic because I had no clue what that would be like. I never thought about it much either because I was busy with my babies....

Fast forward ten years and things are so, so different. My first loss was a total and complete shock. I had NO idea. I had no subconcious thought that anything was wrong. I went in for my 12 week u/s with my dh and my kids all excited to finally have pictures of my little baby....... I was stunned.

I immediately gained an understanding that I never wanted.

When I got pregnant with my next two babies I felt a nagging "there's something not right here" feeling the entire pregnancies and I was right. I'm not sure if that was me knowing because I wasn't too naive anymore to think that wouldn't happen to me, or if it was fear after a loss. I'll never know.

Now I know that it hurts and the sense of loss is greater than I could have expected. Just as everybody has talked about here you just have no idea until you go through it. I wonder if people thought I was uncaring when I just said "sorry" and moved on with my life.

It's such a hard thing to go through..............

[AmyLM]

Originally Posted by JesSsica

Now I know that it hurts and the sense of loss is greater than I could have expected. Just as everybody has talked about here you just have no idea until you go through it. I wonder if people thought I was uncaring when I just said "sorry" and moved on with my life.

It's such a hard thing to go through..............

See, I never think anyone is uncaring when they say "sorry." That's all most people know to say. Sorry and "if there's anything I can do, let me know." They mean it, too, and I appreciate it but I always feel awkward when they say it. Like, what can they do? I don't mean that in a bad way but, really, what can they do? I never walk away from someone that has said,"sorry" thinking they were uncaring. never. The only person that has sounded uncaring to me is my mom when she said that my m/c "must have been such a disappointment." That was just an odd thing to say.

[msshamis23]

Yeah I agree with you Amy. (and you too Jessica. Bigtime. It would NEVER happen to me!) When my parents found out, (they were the ones to take me to the doc when AF just wouldn't stop. DH was working) they were like oh well. You probably couldn't have afforded another baby anyway. You aren't ready. And it's not like you were excited for this. And dang it! I was! I remember the surge of excitement, but at the same time horrible horrible doom when the doctor told me I was pregnant. I knew I was m/c. Even still before we knew for sure, I still hoped and prayed.

That's part of the reason why I don't take people who mention serious things, like they are light little things. (Even DH was well, we know I can get you preggo, so we can just make another.) Like my baby was disposable! STILL mad at him for that comment.

[GoldenTickets]

I've never known anyone who had a miscarriage, but I'm sure I would've had said something like "I'm sorry" and moved on, because I wouldn't know what else to say. But because of not knowing anyone who had miscarried, I know I was clueless!

There was a show on WE TV a couple years ago called High School Confidential. (or maybe it was on Oxygen? I forget) The show essentially followed a group of real girls through their HS careers, and all the changes they made. A couple of the girls got pregnant, and I remember one specifically who had an early miscarriage. They had an interview with her a few months after the miscarriage, and she talked about how sad she was, and she had a necklace that she wore every day to remember the baby. Honestly? I sat there watching this episode thinking how naive she was! How could she miss something that wasn't really all that formed anyway? And to wear a necklace all the time to remember it? .... Now I realize how naive I was. My baby stopped growing at 6 weeks, but I heard the hearbeat! While it may have just been a little bean blob, it was a living thing with a hearbeat! I was devestated when the ultrasound tech told me the heartbeat had stopped. The hospital miscarriage support group gave provided me an angel keychain with my miscarriage info packet after my D&C. I put that keychain on my keys, and I DO think about it every day.

One of my friends told me that she wouldn't know what to do if she had a miscarriage.... With both her babies, she told people right away. Then to have to turn around and thell everyone that you miscarried? I cannot imagine having to do this. (Which is why a total of 6 people knew about the pregnancy to begin with.. our parents and my friend) I'd much rather deal with my sadness alone.

My (retired) mother-in-law was talking about how a bunch of her friends/former coworkers have talked about their kids having miscarriages. She thinks that it seems to be happening more now. While I haven't looked for any research on this, I don't agree. She's just in a different time in her life. I didn't (and won't) tell too many people about my miscarriage, and I imagine many of her friends stayed quiet about it when they were having kids. ... It's a lot easier for the grandparents to talk about these things, so I imagine that's why she hears about it more often. They can talk about it, while still having emotional distance.

[ashj_1218]

Forgive me for the stupid comments I am about to make....but this is what I really thought before having my own miscarriage:

-I used to babysit for a lady when I was about 15. She had three "earth" daughters (stairstep kids, all 18 months apart). Her first baby was a stillborn (or late-term miscarriage...I don't know which to call it) at 17 weeks. It was also a girl. She had pictures of the baby in her house (including an 8x10 on the wall in her stairwell, right next to the other girls' pictures), she had her stuff stored in the corner of a room (I assume it was never used by her earth children), she talked about her pretty frequently and when someone asked, she said she had four daughters. She and her daughters (and her husband, although the husband was not the father of the first daughter) would go to her little girl's grave every weekend and put flowers out.
At the time, I remember thinking it had to be unhealthy for her to be so stuck on a baby that did not live. I remember thinking it would be better for her to move on, since she obviously had something wrong and could not survive the pregnancy. I remember being creeped out by the picture in the stairwell.

I feel soooo horrible now, thinking that way about this poor woman. It had only been about 6 years since her loss and I can only imagine that she was still hurting badly. She got to hold her little girl, talk to her, and see her little face. She got pictures, had a service, and named her little one. I still can only imagine that pain. I may have had a miscarriage, but I can't imagine how horrible it would have been to see my little one and have to say goodbye so quickly. You would have had to pull that little body out of my sobbing arms.

-In my family, all of us cousins are childbearing age. Liam was the 10th great-grandchild, three more came shortly after him. We all announce our pregnancies early, at family reunions (twice a year events, monthly gatherings). Up until me, no one had a miscarriage. I knew that my grandmothers, aunt, and mom had some (my mom had three and a late-term miscarriage with my twin sister), but I couldn't imagine that I would be the first to have to announce that the baby we were expecting didn't make it. And it killed me. I never thought it would happen to me, I had such an easy time with Liam. In some ways, I am glad it was me first, now I will know how to support another relative, if they have it happen. In some ways, I find that is a blessing, since my mom understood (although seemingly was not as affected) and I had some support through it. But I was so naive. I thought that I would sail through my pregnancies...and it was a shock when we had no heartbeat anymore at 8 weeks. And, of course, no one in my family knew what to say to me. They said "You can try again," "there was something wrong." Etc. I am only glad I had some people who let me grieve properly.

I wish I had known more about it, it seems like such a taboo topic and sometimes all I want to do is talk about how hard it is daily. And how much I think it sucks that MY baby had to die (and yours too). It just seems unfair (and I know that is a childish thought). But I have certainly learned a lot.

of what you thought about miscarriage before you ever had one?

One of my closest gf had two early m/c, so I had alot of issues when I fell pg, expecting the worst. Sometimes I wonder if that saying 'what you think about you bring about' is true. Anyway, I was always very cautious whilst ttc not to tell anyone & I never even told that gf when I was going through my 2nd m/c. I am a fairly closed person, so I am not one to shout out things from the rooftops anyway. Maybe I really knew deep down that those babies were not meant to be on earth with us.... We never announced the pg or the m/c for quite sometime. I did alot of 'research' online & joined a forum (not this one initially) to chat to others that had gone through the same thing. I was still quite naive in a way when I fell pg the third time, whilst I was so scared of another m/c, I didn't look what the cause might be etc... I only did that really (& still am) after my forth & fifth m/c.

how did it make you feel to hear about someone having one? Sad & emotional. It brought up alot of emotions for me personally each time I heard of a friend having a m/c. I also expected them to react the same as me (cry, break down, teary etc...) & I was in a state of shock once when my gf told me she had moved on not long after her 1st m/c. I guess we all grieve and deal with things very differently.

how did you react? The gf who told me I moved on I straight away hugged her but she sort of brushed me off which took me aback. In hindsight I probably should have watched her cues before I reacted. Other times I have cried with my friends.

your comprehension of what they were going thru? Well I had a good understanding of what happens when you m/c after going through one but prior to that I whilst I felt sad & empathetic towards them/their situation I really didn't get it.

and other things you'd like to share....
(like what you wished you knew then what you know now, what you'd like to share with those who haven't had a loss, & ....)

That for me personally, I should have shared more & been honest with people with what I was going through, So many times I have just smiled & told them I am 'good, doing ok' when I wasn't. That was even when I was going through a m/c at work I kept soldering on and showing up to work whilst the whole time I wanted to cry, scream, be angry at the universe but supressed my feelings. Even now I am certainly not that open but have come a long way. When people ask when we are having another baby I am more open to telling them we are having some difficulties rather than saying sometime down the track. Sometimes people become uncomfortable with that type on info being diclosed but that is their issue, not mine & when you ask of something so **** personal that is confronting and somewhat uncomfortable for ME, I will tell you... you shouldn't be then so **** surprised for my frankness after you have just been the same to me. Also that there is alot of support and information available online & you sometimes need to get a second opinion to get some answers otherwise you feel like you are just another number.

[Kary♥RN]

I was a iggnorant, non supportive person.

I had no idea the pain, the feelings, the depression that came with a m/c.
I had a friend who had lost her little girl due to a cord accident. Elizabeth had a deformity in her cord. It was only about 7inches.. so when she "dropped" to get ready for birth the cord was streched and cut of blood supply to her. I was very good friends with her mom. We had been through a lot together. I watched her belly grow, was at her shower, lived across the street from her mom. To me that was a loss, I went and sat with Kim and bought her a Presious Moments Birthstone Angel and listen to her talk about delivering and holding her little girl.

A few years later a friend of mine had a m/c. It was early in her pregnancy... wasn't showing. She had already had a little girl. And I said "oh sorry"... but didn't quite grasp it. Didn't understand. She went on to have another. She was older than I (she was 40 and 41, and this was 5 years ago)... so I thought maybe this is just the universe saying you got one already. And to tell you the truth.. I never thought about her losses after she told me. But I thought about Kim's baby all the time... and still do.

But now after I have had losses... With every m/c I had, I felt like the day sitting with Kim. While mine were early losses I hurt just as much as I did that day when I sat in Kims kitchen looking through the box the Hospital gave her. With Elizabeths lock of hair, teddy bear, foot prints, and Hat. I looked at my pregnancy test the same way... That was I had, like Kim all she had was that box. I now think of Beths two angels.... And regreat that I wasn't thier for her like I was for Kim. Since I now know the loss and hurt she went through. No matter how short or long you have that little miracle growing inside of you... it is your baby, it is the loss of a child.

[shen7]

I did not know anybody in my peer group who had a MC before I had mine. I think most people try to hide them, and I didn't have any close friends who had gone through that. I knew about the "3 month rule" and how it was to avoid explaining a mc, but I naively figured that would make it a lot easier to deal with, and that the pregnancy doesn't really count before then anyway. I thought I was pretty smart for not telling anyone about my pregnancy when it ended at 6 weeks. I thought I was doing it right and I would get over it pretty quickly. It really surprised me when I kept thinking about it months later, and it still felt just as raw as when it first happened. There's a lack of general understanding of the realness of such a loss. I feel like it's still a taboo subject in our society, which is stupid because it is so common.

[Justjessie]

EVERYONE I KNEW had a miscarriage...except for my mom and I. Even my sister had one. I had heard "EVERYBODY HAS ONE." So I counted my blessings...I also figured that, the more kids you have, the higher your chances are...just because if you are to miscarry child #3 and you only have TWO KIDS...well, no miscarriage!!!

I didn't know what it felt like but I didn't want to know. I felt bad for my friends and family who it happened to but I didn't know what to say so I just said sorry. I couldn't offer advice and couldn't say "I know what it's like."

At age 35, when I got pregnant with my third, I thought "Well, this pregnancy is JUST like the others...no bleeding, no cramping, everything is the SAME!"

Like JesSsica, I went to the u/s ready to get pics and show my NEW husband how fun this whole thing is...

And the baby had passed without me knowing it.

People who had miscarriages said "I know how you feel" and they were sorry and that was good enough for me.

People who hadn't...ARE STILL REMINDING ME THAT IF I DIDN'T LOSE THAT ONE I WOULDN'T HAVE THE ONE I'M DUE WITH!!!

I can count. I did precshool. I KNOW THIS.

I didn't know what I'd ever think if I lost a baby but I did wonder, how does one grieve??? How would *I* grieve?

I don't know anyone IRL that named their baby or counts their loss as a baby.

I count my baby as a baby. My DH thinks I'm morbid...as do some others...and that's too bad. I would never treat any of my children as less than others.

I learned that you don't ever forget and it doesn't get easier. Am I happy I was able to conceive a healthy baby afterwards? Yes. That was a plus. Does it make it all better that I lost someone??? Not at all =(

[Celena]

all for sharing, I think this is such a wonderful sharing in experiences thread and think others will truly benefit from hearing from each of us. THANK YOU for being so open and truthful... I would like to save this and put it in the "Info Spot" for others to read when they're new and very raw, might be very helpful


I'm going to be addibnng mine as well here shortly when I can see my keyboard