[shen7]

Hi all,
I'm new around here but I feel like this could be a safe place to vent a little. I've had a lot of moodiness lately and I think it would do me good to write it out. Maybe somebody has gone through something similar and can tell me how things turned out for you??

I don't have any kids. DH and I married in 2007, we were casually TTC (not preventing) for several months in 2009. I had a BFP but 2 weeks later I miscarried, it was so early (6 wks exactly) that it was just like a bad period. We had just moved to a new town and started new jobs and bought our first house, so took a break for a few months, then started TTC in earnest. 5 months later, another BFP, and I was very excited because I had a lot more symptoms than the first time. Less than 2 weeks after that BFP, we were out of town for a funeral of a close family member, and I started having weird symptoms. A little bleeding, but it qualified as spotting - mostly diarrhea and stabbing chest and abdominal pains. It turned out to be an ectopic that was bleeding into the abdominal cavity rather than into the womb. My symptoms were from internal bleeding. It bled slowly for 3 days before I collapsed. I was lucky to get to the hospital in time. They pumped a huge amount of blood out of my abdomen (pre-op HCT was _17_ for numbers gals), gave me 3 units of transfusions, and removed the whole tube. I saw the picture from the laparoscopy later, it was a big old ball blowing up the thin tube like a balloon.

At the time of the procedure, I was just happy to have survived the ordeal, since it was really a dangerous presentation of an ectopic and I very well could have died. All this at less than 6 weeks. I hadn't even had time to really get into being preg because of the funeral and grieving going on.

Now I just have all these mixed feelings. My SIL and one of my best friends are both preg and are almost exactly as far along as I would have been. They clearly feel that this is an awkward situation and are both dealing with it by avoiding me as much as possible, even though I try really hard to reach out to them and get excited about their pregnancies, they just aren't meeting me halfway or even 1/4-way. I have poured myself into my physical recovery and am doing very well just 3 months later, all blood labs back to normal and my strength is back as well. I am putting on a good face to family and friends, but am also crying a lot when I am alone, and sometimes I'm just so tired and overwhelmed I can't do anything all day. I think only DH has any clue of what I'm really going through.

I really want to conceive again ASAP, and the surgeon said that I have no signs of inflammation or scarring around my reproductive organs so I should have about 75% of my former fertility with 2 ovaries and 1 tube. I just turned 29 so logically I have time and there's no reason to be totally despondent. But I am terrified of having another ectopic. I am at about 15-20% chance of another ectopic, according to the docs, and so getting a BFP means rushing into the doc's and getting all sorts of early bloodwork and ultrasound ASAP to make sure it's not ectopic.

My cycle used to be like clockwork, 29-30 days, and now it is off. First AF was 35 days, close enough, but the next one was 44. Is my body confused by the missing tube? How long will it take to normalize? I don't know. I became very afraid when AF did not show up last time, I had to rise at dawn for EPT every 2 days, and I don't know what I was more scared of, AF or BFP. So much hope and so much fear all at once.

I don't want to wait, even though my doctors said to wait until my cycle normalizes. I think they said that just because it will be easier to time things. But I have a million cheap tests from online and I can test all the time. I am currently testing for the LH surge, twice a day. I'm CD 8. Trying to BD as much as possible, but I've been pretty dry and I'm sure my emotional storms aren't helping me get in the mood. DH wants it all the time (as usual) but I'm just not up for it as much as I want to be.

Thanks for letting me vent here. I'm not usually such a Debbie Downer but I need a safe place to share my hopes and fears with people who might understand. Thank you and love and hope and comfort to all of you~~~~

[ohnicole]

I am so sorry that you had such a physically and emotionally traumatic loss I think you will find that the ladies here are so sweet and supportive. And plenty of us have started TTC again before our doctors recommended

Welcome to the board!

[shen7]

Thank you ohnicole!!! It feels really good to put my feelings "out there" a bit - I'm realizing that one of the hardest parts of this thing is having no one around who understands or even has any words of comfort for me. It's one of those "I don't know what to say..." situations. So your words mean a lot to me. It's also nice to see such a community here, I feel less alone reading some of the other ladies' posts.

[ldovey83]

Hi welcome to the board.. I am so sorry to hear about your terrible loss... I too just went through a eptopic.. That just happened a couple of wks ago... They thought my tube had ruptured and I had blood in my abdomen cause I had fluid in my abdomen, but after the OB looked at it my tube didn't rupture so I didn't go through that surgery.. I just chose to do methotrexate injections.. It definitely will take your body a few cycles to get back to normal and sometimes they might not ever get back to normal.. I have had 4 losses total, and before my son was born my cycle was clock work after a baby or a miscarriage it dosen't always go back to the normal clock work.. Just wanted to give you a little info, and tell you to vent away.. This group of ladies is great and they are all very supportive.. Many many hugs to you hun.

[shen7]

Hi thanks so much for sharing your story! I know if I do have another ectopic the story will probably be similar to yours... Good luck to you with your recovery and trying again when you are ready!!

My story really didn't need to go the way it did. I really should have gone in as soon as the spotting began, but there was too much going on with the funeral and stuff. As it was there were family members telling me that it was all in my head and a panic reaction to the grief. YEAH RIGHT. (of course, that was before I entered hypovolemic shock) However, I know it could have also resulted in me not here at all, so I am counting my blessings!!!

Anyhoo, the irregular cycle does freak me out but it is good to know it is not unusual!! I guess I will just have to get into temping and O testing.

[missy123]

I am so sorry for your losses.... I have never had an etopic, but a few of the girls here have. Feel free to vent as much as you want and don't ever feel bad about being a debby downer. We are here for you and honestly understand how you feel. After my loss in April of last year I cried for 4 months, I was a mess and got very depressed. Only the girls here understood how I was feeling.

We are here for you.

[msshamis23]

Welcome to the board!

I'm sorry that you have to be here in the first place--*hugs*

I had an ectopic, back in March. I started bleeding on the day AF came, and she just never stopped. So two weeks later I went to the doctor and found out I was pregnant. I had a D&C, and then after that was done they realized it was ectopic. I did Methotexate injections to terminate the pregnancy. I had a really bad reaction to that. But I never had to have surgery. (We really don't know how far along, I actually was) But, I can understand the fear of another. Every time AF comes early, or late I start freaking out. I'm still not quite over the fear of another ectopic.

It's hard to stay positive, and not worry all the time when you've been in these shoes. My cycle still isn't regular.

I hope your stay here is short, and you get the baby dust you need for a happy and healthy nine (ten) months.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Welcome to the board. I am so very sorry for your losses. Your cycle after any loss m/c or ectopic can take awhile to get back to "normal". I have never had an ectopic but several other ladies on the board have. I hope you get a sticky BFP soon and I hope so of the other ladies can answer your questions. Hugs!

[shen7]

Thank you so much, everybody. It is a really wonderful feeling to find people out there who understand. It's amazing how different our different ectopic and loss stories are... but the emotions are so similar.

I don't want to say I'm HAPPY to be here, exactly... or happy that all of you are here... but at the same time, I'm very grateful!!!! Does that makes sense?? I know we have all gone through, and are often still going through some very dark places in life. But I feel a sense that we can reach out to one another here, help each other be brave about facing the sadness, and maybe all come out the other side as more compassionate, grateful, and tender women... no matter what happens. What does not kill me, makes me strong. Love & hugs to all~~~~~~

[mgurl]

Wellcome! I don't post much but I find the board soooo helpful, the ladies are great! I just had an ectopic in July and then they told me I was pg again...AF came yesterday and so the positive test was just leftover stuff :-( I am so sorry you have to go thru this I know how hard it can be and that surgery is no walk in the park. Hang in there !