[Hugo&Sergiosmom]

Hi. I hope this is the right place to ask my questions. My BFF is experiencing her second loss within 6 mos. I am devastated about this, but can't even imagine what she and her husband are going through. They are trying for their first baby. Both losses have been in the first trimester, and the second one, as far as I know, she didn't have any symptoms. She just found out at her last appointment that there was no heartbeat after almost making it through the trimester.

I have tons of questions and I noticed that a lot can be answered in the TTCAL info thread, thanks so much to "Celena" and everyone for having that section so well done. Can anyone who has been through this give me any other ideas or advice?

Mainly I want to know how I can best help my friend. I know she is in shock and might not know herself what she wants or needs as she is processing things. Mainly I want to avoid saying/doing anything that would make her feel worse. If possible I would like to help her feel better in time. I don't know if there's anything I can say to give her hope but I would like to!! (as long as it's not the wrong thing!) Did anyone say or do anything for you that helped?

Also I wanted to know if any of you have experienced multiple losses, if you found out the causes so I can share that information with her. I will refer her to this message board in time if she wants that... it looks like a wonderful resource.

Thank you so much and I am really, truly sorry for what you have had to go through. I have had some family members experience losses and friends as well, but now that it's my very best friend I sympathize on an even deeper level.

[missy123]

Hug her a lot and listen to her. Let her vent and cry and scream and get angry and go through the grieving process. Tell her you are sorry she is going through this and tell her how much you love her and are there for her. It may be hard for her to be around your children for a while because what you have, she wants. Even though she didn't get to hold her baby it is a death and loss all the same.

You are a very good friend.

[.:Shortcake:.]

I agree with Missy. I have had 4 losses and no living children. My doctors feel my losses are caused from my PCOS/Endometriosis. There are many different reasons for multiple m/c's. She can ask her doctors to run tests for her but usually they don't do that until after you have had 3...(stupid I know) You are an awesome friend for doing this for her. If you have any questions feel free to ask!

[Kary♥RN]

It is so nice of you to come here and ask... as a friend just be there for her.. As for giving her suggestions of what might have caused her m/c.. I wouldn't go there. Just let her know she should contact her Dr and demand tests. Have ask about CD 3 blood work, and the basic m/c panel. Since we all can tell you OUR reasons for a m/c.... it could be a million other things. I have a clotting fctor.. MTHFR Mutation and I also lost a little girl to a chromosomal issue. You have seen above PCOS, Endometriosis, she could have a anatomical issue with her uterus, I could go on and on... And while the subforms are great for info.. search the web... thier is million different veiws from different Drs. Progesterone issues is a controversial one. She needs to go to her Dr to have tests, period. To find out her issue.

Below is one of my favorites...

helping someone after a miscarriage

[little.lili]

Just don't say "You can try again/ Next time will be the one/ It will happen soon"... Generally things referring to a possible next baby. That is the one thing I didn't want to hear at the very beginning. (Ironically it was the 1st thing out of everyone's mouth.) The idea of another pregnancy/baby was just too much for me. And I can't imagine how I'd feel after a second consecutive m/c...

I am truly sorry for your friend's loss.

As for your kids... you never know... I've been babysitting, and being around kids has helped me. But that's just me. Just kind of reminded me that I do want kids, and I do want to try again... But when I'm ready. (As opposed to my initial reaction that was "I never want to try every again")

Also, maybe the link to this website would be good. I really needed to talk to people who knew more about what I was going through... it has helped...

These are just the things that kind of helped me... I hope it might be useful in some way...

I'm glad she has a friend like you.

[~InHisHands~]

I think the biggest thing for me is to listen. Let her know that she can talk to you anytime she wants. I miss my baby & for someone to just acknowledge that my loss is real & IS A LOSS means a lot. I don't have multiple losses but I had a m/c at 11 wks... not far from the 2nd trimester too. I actually saw the HB at 8 wks (not sure if she did or not). Anyway the 2 things for me that helped me the most was my memorial to my angel (not sure that you can help with this) but I wear a charm bracelet in remembrance of my baby & have an early u/s pic on my mantel. These things make me feel closer to her. The other thing that really helped me through the pain & grief is a Bible study... Threads of Hope, Pieces of Joy

I'm so sorry for her loss. No one should have to experience the pain of losing her child.

[AmyLM]

What has helped me the most is talking to my SIL who had a m/c last year. I had questions and felt comfortable asking her because she had been through it 2 years ago. She and my other SIL are getting ready to give birth to their second children and, really, being around them makes me happy. Something else that really brought me peace was writing a letter to the baby I lost and naming him. I lost him at 5 weeks but felt like he was a boy so, we named him. It makes me feel better knowing my angel has a name. I might feel completely different about being around my pregnant family members or their babies if I didn't already have my daughter.

[Hugo&Sergiosmom]

OMG, thank you SO much for these responses already!

I will mention about the specific tests mentioned by Kary (when she gets to the point of talking about that). She goes to my OB which is awesome; it's actually OB/infertility so they deal with difficulties getting/staying pregnant as a specialty. I would think our OB would start her on that soon now that she has had 2 so quickly.

InHisHands- I was actually thinking of getting her a frame for her first u/s but wasn't sure. I want to do something. For the first I got her a rosebush. She did get a u/s with this one and saw the heartbeat which was what made us think we were ok.

I feel awful b/c I gave her tons and tons of baby items. The first time was all my hand-me downs (mat clothes and gear). In between the two I gave her some more that I had found in closets. Then this time I gave her a bag of gifts I had been saving since anticipation of the first time (which I never got the chance to give the first time ). I feel guilty b/c she felt we might be jinxing things... I don't believe in jinxing but I definitely won't give anything next time until whenever she says is ok... (I just wanted her to be able to feel happy/excited b/c she deserved it. )

I don't know if/when I should call her. I texted yesterday and today and I think she will call when she needs to; I want to give her space.

Keep the advice coming b/c I really appreciate your input.

[shen7]

I agree that it's best to just be there for her, listen and let her vent without trying to ease her mind with sayings like "it's definitely going to happen soon, don't worry". Treat it like what it is, a death in the immediate family.

Feel her out on whether having the kids around is good or bad. I love kids and babies, and I don't have any (trying for my first). However, pregnant bellies make me extremely upset, especially when they are around where I "should be" now. I think the triggers that upset people are unique and so you need to watch and listen to find what those are for your friend.

Just check in on her a lot and make yourself available for listening and being together. I felt like many people I thought were my friends actually got too uncomfortable around me after the tragic events, and have disappeared, not responding to my emails or phone calls anymore etc. This surprised me and disappointed me a lot. I am very grateful for the few that did not mind that I am dealing with difficult things and are still there for me. Even though they might not understand or say the right thing every time, they are there, and that's the most important thing.

You are a great friend!!!!