[SkyBaby]

So many women just take it for granted that when they get pregnant, they'll have a healthy baby. I did. I enjoyed it the short time I was pregnant, but at the same time, miscarriage was the farthest thing from my mind until it became a reality for DH and me.

After the initial grieving where I couldn't stop crying and spent most of the days of the following week crying or at least on the verge of tears. I became depressed and my mother in law, who meant well, kept trying to push a counselor on me. I didn't think that would help, because I have been depressed like this before, but after a month or two, I finally would start praying about it and God would pull me out. Not this time. It took several months, about 8, to get myself to where I could smile and mean it. For a while, smiling was almost physically painful. People who knew me picked up on it and those who know I had a miscarriage understood why. It took months before I could laugh and smile and be my generally cheerful self. I left facebook for that time and myspace too. I didn't do much of any social networking. I spent all my free time either with my husband or shooting pictures of wildlife. I cried when I needed to and didn't hold anything back.

Looking back on it, I think I know at least part of why I had sank into such a deep depression. I got hired at Kmart 2 months after losing the baby. They started me in the fashions department, which is right next to the baby stuff. I started feeling a bit worse every day, but didn't say anything to anyone except DH. I couldn't stand being there. Before I got the job there, I used to go in and I had the very crib picked out (they still have the same one, a year later) and knew the clothes I liked for either a boy or girl. I had stuff picked out in my head and even had the nursery designed in my head. I got hired there with the pain still fresh.

I now can go in there and look at the baby stuff and be a bit sad, but now very excited. I have baby fever worse than ever before. As happy as I am for others around me getting pregnant, we're just ready for it to be our turn.

I can tell you, I am looking forward to changing those dirty diapers and waking up at 2 am and other things most people would generally whine about. I give people who do reality checks all the time. The other day a woman came through my line whining at *me* at me because she was feeling like crap and didn't want to be pregnant in the first place. I looked at her and said these exact words as calmly as I my anger and sadness would allow: "Hun, some women would give the world to have what you have right now because unlike you, they don't have healthy babies. They lost theirs. I am one of those people. Please keep that in mind before you complain to total strangers." She looked at me slightly shocked, then her mouth fell into a little 'o' and then her expression changed to utter shame. She then reached down and held her baby for a minute or two and smiled at her big, beautiful baby belly. She looked at me and thanked me for giving her that reality check. She forgot the most important thing. Her world changed from "man I feel like crap" to "I have a life inside of me. In a few days, I will welcome this beautiful new life into the world." I finished ringing her up and she left our store with a much brighter outlook on life.

How has the miscarriage changed you and how you deal with pregnant people around you? Please, take all the space you want to answer. I'm sure it's no simple answer, and as you can see from mine, I sure did.

[TTCin2010]

I have become very jealous of pregnant women. I friend of mine is due a week before my bean was due. She found out the sex last week, and was going on and on "thank God its its boy, because we really didn't want another girl." "my husband is so glad its a boy, etc." I just wanted to choke her, and say be thankful its healthy. I dont like being jealous.

My niece was born in the 25th, she lives 12 hours from me, but I have no desire to go and see her because yet again i am jealous.

I obsess about how far along I would be now, that I would be starting to show, and feeling the baby move. I hope it gets easier once the due date has passed.

I am scared to get pregnant again for fear of it happening again, but my desire to be a Mom outweighs my fears.

[dreamer10]

I had no idea for so long through so many pregnancies how much I took it for granted...but now I realize I did. I am more cautious, skepitcal and weary...but at the same time I am more grateful for the children I do have, see them as the miracle they are and am grateful for everyday I am still pregnant. Loss puts the fear into us, but it also puts the empathy and compassion into us, like nothing else can.

[Im.Nayomi]

Having had two losses of twins & one baby in the last 2 years.....
It makes me really,really happy that I can get pregnant...cause
once upon a time I didnt think I could get pregnant....but the
two losses crushed my heart........My journey has taught me to
be patient & my faith keeps me in check.........one day I pray to
be holding my little one.((( my thinking is still this... my mom
had 9 children so I can have????????)))) I think its the ? marks
in life that makes life challenging sometimes.

[shen7]

I don't trust life as much anymore. I almost died from my ectopic that was bleeding internally, they sucked 3.5 liters of blood out of my abdomen, and I lost a tube. I no longer feel like I have any certainty that bad things won't happen to me. I feel like death could come randomly at any time. I never used to think about that. I used to have a vision, a pretty set plan for what would happen in my life, and it was all going close enough to that vision that I didn't question my assumptions, but now I have to question everything. I am no longer certain that I will have (biological) kids one day. Our financial future is now clouded by the possibility of expensive fertility treatments and/or adoption fees. And even in the best case scenario of getting a BFP, I will now never get one (or even THINK ABOUT getting a BFP) without a clenching terror in my gut of another ectopic.

I'm also, I think, possibly wiser. I am more sympathetic to people in difficult times. I am softened. I have tried to use my troubles as an opportunity for becoming wiser and nicer, rather than embittered. I don't know that I've been totally successful, but I try. I do see successful pregnancies and babies, and indeed all health and vitality, as far more miraculous than I did before. Now that I know how quickly, easily, and unexpectedly it can all be taken away, I think I have more gratitude and appreciation than I did before.

[ohnicole]

My loss (and subsequent infertility) have changed me from a cautiously optimistic, generally happy person to a mostly pessimistic, absolutely bitter person.

All I ever wanted out of life was to have a family and be a wife and a mom. And now it seems like that may be the only thing I can't have in my life. Who cares if I am good at my job? Who cares if I am good at things I do for hobbies, like writing or photography? Who even cares if I am a good friend or daughter or sister? WHO. CARES?!?! If I can't have my own family, I have nothing. Period. The End.

Some days are of course worse than others, but in general, I have become a different person since my loss. I am much more emotional- most of the time I am either on the verge of tears or on the verge of lashing out at everything and everyone with uncontrollable rage. I could probably count the number I of times I have felt happy or excited or hopeful this year on one hand. I am trying to learn to accept what is happening and stop trying to control the outcome, but I am failing. Miserably.

And I hate myself for the way I feel about pregnant women and babies. I feel such jealousy and such hopelessness that it will ever happen for me, that I don't even think there is any happiness left inside me for them. It sucks.

But at the same time, I know I can make it through this. As long as I end up with my family, I can handle whatever life throws at me. If I don't end up with my family, if it's never going to happen for me, I don't know. That may be too much to handle. But for now, I can do it. Because it is still possible.

[little.lili]

I feel purposeless... my life feels empty... if ti weren't for Dh, I would be completely lost...

Everything happened they way it should have. We got married, I finished school, we moved to a location closer to family, I got pregnant right off the bat... And then the loss...

I feel like I have lost my way... I have no idea what I want with my life right now... I have had no luck finding a job... I have nothing...

I feel like my life was taken away from me and things can't go back to the way they were... I want my own baby, but I'm scared to try again... scared it is now the wrong time... scared that I have no idea what I'm doing or what I want and I will make a mistake.

[Micksbabe]

I feel numb. I am nervous to have another pregnancy but I know deep down in my heart that I have another baby coming, my family isn't complete yet. It is hard because my sister and I were both pregnant at the same time, she is due February 28, and now she is going to appointments and having her ultrasound and I am sooooo happy for her, but it is hard to know that I was only 5 weeks behind everything that she was doing.

I am also so grateful for my daugther, if it wasn't for her I don't know how I would be getting through this right now, she is the light of my life

[KDD]

At first I was really, really bitter that other women who were less "worthy" could have healthy pregnancies (i.e. drug addicts, women who have kids already and don't look after them etc). I would get upset to see women on the street who were pg and looked like they would be due when I was supposed to be due. And I would get upset at pg women who would be reckless by smoking, going in hot tubs, or even eating sushi.

Now that I'm finally pg again, I find that I just can't enjoy my pregnancy. I'm always waiting for bad news to happen. I fear that I won't be able to bond with my baby for fear of loss.

[yellowbird]

Since my loss, I've become jealous and annoyed towards every pregnant woman I see. It's not anything personal against the woman herself, it's the fact she's pregnant, enjoying and experiencing what I'm missing out on. I was due early January and whenever I hear or read about someone that is due in the same time frame, especially seeing that they have bellies...the tears explode right out of me.

[sarha81]

I feel like my heart is bleeding out of my vagina and I'll never get it back. I feel like I never want to stop bleeding, this could just be my last act. A miscarriage. I feel that all the joy of being pregnant, the cravings, the mood swings, the growth updates, is being soaked in a pad and tossed in the garbage. I feel like I should be crumbled up and thrown in life's garbage can with the pads. I feel like my DH is what keeps me going, but I also resent him because he will never know what it is like to see his little one in a pad and have to decide what to do with the baby-to-be. I feel like I will never stop seeing the empty sac, the no heartbeat on the emergency ultrasound and that I could punch my OBGYN in the face for not saying, I'm sorry. For instead saying, it's really common. In fact, when I hear people say statistics it takes everything inside of me not to use the F word, not to punch something. Sometimes I am so filed with anger and sometimes I am so completely numb it is too hard to flex my toe. I am angry at everyone who doesn't know, because they can't help me and I want to blame them. And I realize how stupid that is. especially for resenting my best friend, who hates kids and could never relate to me wanting to be pregnant. but I do resent her. For texting me when I told her "no heartbeat." For emailing me two sentences. F her. F friends. I should just be alone.
I feel like I will never be pregnant again. It took a year to get pregnant. It was the worst year of my life. I feel like I don't want to get pregnant again, only to fall in love and wonder every second of everyday, when the bleeding was going to start again. I wonder if I can survive a second m/c and I think the answer is no.
And I thank God for having you, people I will never meet but feel so connected to, because without this forum, without getting how I feel out, I wonder if I would feel anything except depressed ever again.

[AmyLM]

I'm more patient with my daughter and if it's possible, I love her even more. If I didn't have her, I don't know how I would have dealt with this.

When it was happening, DH was driving me to the ER and I kept telling myself that "bleeding is normal for some people when they're pregnant" even though I knew otherwise. Bleeding, spotting, yes but not gushing. It's not normal for me. I cried for the entire 1 hour drive. We prayed the rosary for comfort. I bled for 7 days and as the bleeding got lighter and lighter, I didn't want it to stop because when it did, my baby was gone for good. Somehow, if I was still bleeding he was still with me. Crazy, I guess.

It put a hole in my heart where there didn't used to be one. It made me realize how precious life really is. It made me even more grateful to have my daughter. When I was released from the ER, holding her is all I wanted to do.