[sarha81]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, having switched over from the april 2011 due date club after my m/c Tuesday at 6wk6d (typing this with heating pad on). I'd love to hear how you all coped because I am a big MESS. How do you stay distracted and stop your thoughts from focusing on the bad?

And part II, my OBGYN was horrible. She gave us false hope tuesday and then wasn't there today for my follow up u/s for us to ask questions. My nurse who gave me a shot was CROSS EYED! and wouldn't answer any questions. I have no idea when DH and I can start trying again, or when I can start running again ( I did today and I am now GUSHING blood and huge clots). AND, My husband would start trying again right now if I would let him. Sigh. Thoughts on how long to wait and how to keep him away?

thanks all and hugs to all the women healing from recent m/c!

[missy123]

Hi and Welcome. I am so sorry for your loss... I wish I could give you the miracle answer on how to deal with the grief but there isn't one. It hurts, it hurts a lot. Cry a lot and don't let anyone tell you that you should feel better before you are ready. Vent here, we are here for you and we understand your pain; unfortunately we all have gone through what you are.

A few things:
It is not safe for you to have sex right now, your chances of infection are high if you do. You should not have sexual relations until your doctor clears you. Please let DH know that.

If you don't like your doctor, get on the phone with a new one in the morning. Your health and how you feel about your doctor/nurses is of up-most importance.

How much are you bleeding? If you are going through more than a pad an hour GO TO YOUR EMERGENCY ROOM immediately. You don't want to hemorrhage and put yourself at risk.

Big Hugs... I know how hard this is. But I promise you in time it does get easier. The pain and sadness will always be there but you won't always be in the raw pain you are in now.

[shen7]

I'm so sorry for your loss... and it sounds still ongoing... this can be the hardest part, you have the physical and emotional pains feeding on each other... I hope your bleeding and cramps resolve soon, and you can run again!


Your OBGYN sounds like a total failure.... getting such uncaring "care" is so hard.... I have experienced that before too, the way I got over it was to switch docs!!! I felt 100% better once I was seen by a truly caring professional, I hope you can find one too.

My thoughts on keeping the husband away... you are still bleeding!!! You are at risk of infection if you have relations now. You also aren't supposed to wear tampons right now. Tell him that unless he wants you in septic shock, wait until you're all clear. That will hold him off for now anyway... after that I'm afraid you're on your own

Welcome to the board and hope you graduate soon!!!


I should also say... about dealing with the grief... I doodle/draw sometimes in a private little sketchbook when I need to get something out.... I post on the board here... I also play jigsaw puzzles online at Jigzone while listening to music, somehow it relaxes me when I just don't want to be thinking about it anymore. Pretty random, but that's what I do.

[Halfbaked]

I can't tell you how to deal with the loss either. I just did a lot of crying and still do on occasion. It never goes away, just hurts a little less.

I agree with Missy. If you don't like your Dr. get a new one. I was seen in the ER and they gave me false hope too. Didn't prepare me for anything and I was in such denial I kept thinking I could still be pregnant and just not as far along as I thought, all the way up until I actually passed the baby. My OB was great although, being a man, he still said a few things that hurt. He was willing to answer all my questions though.

I was told no dtd until my bleeding stopped. You'll also want to take it easy until then too. If it gets heavy or doesn't stop in a couple weeks, you'll want to be seen again. As for trying again, everyone gets told something different. I was told wait one cycle in the ER, my OB told me to wait 2 cycles, some say 3, some say no need to wait at all except to date a new pregnancy. I say try when you are ready. I wanted to try right away, it made me feel like I was doing something and has helped me move on. Others need more time to deal with their loss. There is no right or wrong answer.

I'm sorry for your loss and hope you begin feeling better really soon.

[AmyLM]

((hugs)) I am so sorry for your loss.

ditto what the other ladies said.....don't put anything up there until the bleeding stops! No tampons, no sex, no douching...nothing.

My OB told me to wait 2 cycles before ttc again. I asked why, thinking he would give me a medical answer (uterus needs to heal, hormones, etc) but he said it was so I could grieve for the loss of my baby.

Everyone grieves differently and I don't know what would be helpful for you. Personally, I don't want to wait 2 cycles and DH are already ttc again (I m/c on 8/18). I feel like I'm ready.

Other good advice the ladies have given is to find a new OB. Ask friends who they use. You can go see one and if you don't like him/her find another one until you feel comfortable.

Good luck to you and again, I'm so so sorry.

[JessP]

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was a magic wand and this board and the reason for it would go away. You need to grieve in your own way. We are all here for you whenever you need to cry/vent lurk.
I wouldn't do any physical activity until the bleeding stops including running and sex. Most dr.'s say three months but some say as soon as you have one period for dating purposes. It depends on many factors but usually just when you are ready. Your body will know when its ready. I agree with the other ladies right now with the bleeding you are at risk for infection. Sex is a big no no.

[Banned-a brand new laura]

I'd recommend reading the post titled "What is now my normal..." that Katie (.:Shortcake:.) posted. I think it really about sums it up how many of us feel after loss. Last night, with all of the recent losses of Katie and Missy it made me think a lot about my loss. Maybe that sounds selfish, I'm not sure. But DH and I were laying together and I was trying my hardest to not let me hear me crying. He asked what was wrong. "You realize I'd be 18 weeks along... I'd have a belly and we'd know if we were having a boy or girl..." When I'm alone, I think a lot. I think about the baby, about what could have been. The other night we went to Meijer and there was a preemie onesie that had a snail on it, below it saying "Worth the wait." I lost it. Does it get better? I guess so. For me, I just talk about it to family and DH less. It doesn't hurt any less. I'm sorry to say all of this, because I'm sure you'd like to hear that one day it'll be all better and time heals all wounds, but it doesn't. Maybe you're stronger than me. I can't believe how strong are Katie and Missy. My only solace is talking about it on these boards and knowing that one day, in Heaven, my whole family will be together. One day I'll have my rainbow babies here on Earth, but I can't wait for the day we're all together again. Well... I guess I can wait. I have a lot of living to do yet.

Anyway, sorry if mine was a down reply. Nice to meet you, anyway.

[little.lili]

I am so sorry for your loss

I agree with everything the other ladies have said. You need to take it slow while you recover. You are loosing a lot of blood, and your body needs rest!

As for when to try again, I was told to at least wait one cycle before trying to get pregnant again. Some days I want to try right away, others I want to wait a long long time... Give yourself time to recover not only physically but also mentally. It can be very overwhelming and the mind tends to be in shock those 1st few days...

[sarha81]

Thanks for all the kind words —*they do help. And the advice is great, even those who said it never stops hurting. I am preparing myself for that.
I'm trying a new GYNO who comes recommended. The only problem is she isn't an OB. There's always a catch.
Meanwhile, I will bring up the infection thing to DH (you all are the first to mention that to me —*gotta love Doctors!). The bleeding gushes and then stops, gushes and then stops, so no ER for me for now. That's a wait and see.
And the best advice was when to start trying — it's good to hear doc have different opinions, none that are medically-based.

[missy123]

We are here for you, we understand. ((Hugs))

[AmyLM]

Sarah, after I wrote my response to you, I went to bed thinking about what I said and if there was anything I could tell you about grief. Like most of us have said, we all grieve in our own ways and different things help. A couple things that really helped me were; I wrote a letter to my baby. I was 5w4d along so, I didn't know the sex for sure but as soon as I got my bfp, I told dh that we were having a boy. So, to me, it was a boy. In the letter I told him how much mommy and daddy love him even though we didn't get to meet and that one day we'll all be in heaven together. It was a long letter but I was able to tell him goodbye. For some reason, to me, that was very important. People talk alot about finding "closure" in situations. I don't believe in closure. I believe in coping. I don't think people ever really "get over" bad things, they just deal with them better as time goes on. So, for me, the letter wasn't closure, it was a way to cope with my loss. Another thing I did was name my baby. For some people, I'm sure it sounds crazy but for dh and I, it just seemed like the right thing to do. God gave us that little baby for a few weeks for a reason, he was a part of our lives and brought us so much joy for such a short period of time, he deserved a name.

I don't cry for him every day like I did but typing all of this certainly brought on the tears for me. Like someone said, the pain won't be so raw but it will be there.

So, I don't know if any of that helps you or anyone else that might be reading this. I hope you find comfort in whatever way you need.