[ohnicole]

Girls, I have been so happy to see so many of you in a positive, peaceful place over the last couple weeks. I really admire your strength and your faith that you will get your rainbow babies

That said, I am SOOOOOO not in that place right now.

I have mostly been feeling numb for the better part of this year (with a few random weeks of feeling pretty down thrown in), but now, I am just furious all the time.

It's not fair that we lost our baby It's not fair that we've been trying to get pregnant for a year and a half It's not fair that my Angelversary is next week and we don't have our BFP yet It's not fair that my sister had her strokes Or that she will probably never be the same Or that I will probably be caring for her for the rest of her life It's not fair that I can't get my PhD It's not fair that I lost $10,000 in wages by taking a leave of absence to care for my sister It's not fair that now we don't have that money to use for fertility treatments NONE OF IT IS FAIR

I don't know how anyone can stand to live with me right now. I am just pure rage, and I feel like the littlest thing could set me off into an hour long outburst of screaming, and stomping, and throwing things, and punching walls. And I am starting Clomid this month, so I'm sure that will make my emotions easier to control

I know that I'll get through this bitter, angry phase, but right now, it's where I am. No, it's WHO I am. I am Bitterness. I am Rage. I am Jealousy. And it sucks.

[missy123]

Besides your sister being so sick (and I am so sorry) I could have written what you wrote a few months ago.

First I think you are so amazing to pick up your life to care for your sister. I know you have had to spend a lot of time away from DH to do so. I commend you for that.

I sound strong and cheerful a lot on this board but I still have moments of sadness for what should have been. I should have a baby and be pregnant with #2, instead I am empty and just taking each day as it comes. It really helps me that I have such a supportive DF. He is always there to listen and sometimes he is the one that wants to talk and I am the one to shut down.

I wish things were different for you, it hurts so bad... You have to somehow find peace within yourself before you can let go of some of your pain and rage. I wish I had the magic answer to give you but I don't.

Big Hugs... I understand how you feel.

[luvmykids623]

You are an amazing woman for going through what you have! I'm sorry that all of these things happened in the way that they did, and I pray for peace for you. I hope that you're able to find your way out of the horrible place that you're in right now. I could've written what you wrote about the place you're in (minus the caring for your sister part) after our first loss. It is a miserable, soul crushing place to be in, and I hope you're able to come through it soon. I pray that you get your sticky bfp soon!

[LisaG825]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I have too felt the same way about my loss. I think I literally chewed dh's head off a few times over petty little things. I was very angry that he didn't seem to care about what I was going through or even try to really understand.

You are a wonderful person to be doing what you have been and caring for your sister. I know that can't be very easy. She is a very lucky woman to have you in her life and so is your dh.

I really wish you the best of luck with the clomid this month. Hopefully it doesn't send you on too much of a roller coaster. I pray that you get a bfp this month!!!

[JessP]

I am so sorry. The rage is a normal part of grieving. I think many of us go through a phase like this. I hope things get better for you soon and you get a beautiful sticky BFP soon.

[ohnicole]

Thanks, ladies

Missy, I definitely know that peace is something I need to find somehow. There is a part of me that knows that will come with really giving up control, and deciding that I just need to live my life, and not schedule my life around this thing that may never actually happen. But I really think that to let go in that way I need to be okay with the possibility of never being able to give birth to a child, and I am just not there right now.

Lori, I am so sorry that you have had to go through this whole thing once already, and now you have had another loss. I hope that the healing process is quicker for you this time, and that you get a sticky BFP soon!

Lisa, thanks for the well wishes with the Clomid. I hope that everything works out really quickly for you and your DH- you two definitely deserve some happiness!

Jess, thanks for the hugs and well wishes. It's so great to know that I am not alone (although it's sad that we've all been in such a horrible place ).

[TTCin2010]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I feel the same way. I've had a rough few years an I just want to scream why me , but people dont want to hear it. Both my parents passed away along with my 4 yr old niece not to mention my grandparents, loosing the baby was icing on the cake. I feel like I am hanging on by a thread. I really wish my insurance covered therapy, but it doesnt and $150 a visit seems a bit steep.

I am sorry for all that you are going through, and I hope that we both find peace some how in the near future.

(ps sorry for turning your thread into my on vent)

[ohnicole]

Thanks, Karen Don't feel bad for sharing- that is the whole reason I vent on here- I need to know that I am not crazy (or at least not crazy alone). We are all struggling to make it through, and it's just plain hard. I'm sorry you've been having a rough time as well. When it rains, it pours I guess. And now we just need our rainbow babies

[KAB]

Nicole, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Massive hugs! You are stronger than you know, and it takes an amazing person to put their life on hold to take care of a family member in need. Loss is so painful, and it's not fair that you have to go through this. I really hope that the clomid will work for you, you deserve your rainbow baby already! Hang in there, loss changes us, and you acknowledging that you want a change in your life is a great first step. I can't wait to see you get a BFP in the hopefully very near future.

[ohnicole]

Awww, Kelly, thanks I miss you around here (but I am so glad you moved on, and I hope with all my heart that you NEVER have to come back). Take care of that growing little rainbow baby!

[.:Shortcake:.]

Super big massive hugs! I am so sorry for everything your going through. I know I seem positive alot but I have my moments where I want to scream/cry/rant. I just try to keep pushing forward. And no its not fair at all. I wish I could take your pain away (and all the other lovely ladies here) Just know if you ever need to talk I'm here.

On another note... good luck with the Clomid! I am a MESS when I'm on it I am crazy when I'm on it to the point of I'll be happy, the next second I'm crying, then next I'm freaking out mad. If you have any questions feel free to ask