[ldovey83]

A lady in my PR made a question thread about where everyone stands right now on children.. How many they had, if they were done trying or pregnant, and how many you want, and then if you are done would you possibly consider another one.. When I looked at it and opened it, it was like a dagger to my heart.. I wrote that the post hurt, and put my emotion smileys in it... Maybe I am over reacting, but to me it is hard to see things like that and know what I am going through.. Am I wrong for feeling that way?

[shen7]

Sounds like a harmless thread if you are one of those people who never has had, or even thinks about the possibility of, a loss.... of course it's hurtful for people like us, TTCAL... you are NOT WRONG for feeling that way!!!! I was hurt too, just reading about it!!

A few weeks ago I was at a family event, and an in-law aunt (who was VERY aware of my recent ectopic) was remarking on her daughter's 4 rambunctious kids, and said, "so, you still want 4 kids?" And chuckled. I just stared. A few years before, I had said that my husband and I would love to have lots of kids, maybe 4, which was obviously before the losses (before we even started trying). Definite dagger in the heart. I managed to squeak out, "yes, we'd still LIKE to... but I don't know if it will be possible, biologically... right now we'd be ecstatic with just one."

People just suck sometimes. They don't know any better. A little gentle education is sometimes in order. I wish I had said something more to the aunt. Her words and her chuckle were still ringing in my head days later.

[ldovey83]

Thanks.. I am glad to know I am not alone...

[ohnicole]

Hugs, Lindsey. It is just so different for us, knowing that what you want and what you'll get aren't always the same thing. It sucks that thinking about future plans for our families is impossible for us because all we can do is take what life throws at us. I'm sorry

[Pitridge]

I hope noone gets mad at me, I think it was a harmless post. She probably, did not think that this would offend someone or hurt someone. It's seems like this PR is from a few years and I think the main intention was to see where everyone is, if it's been 2 or 3 years just to see if anyone had any kids since that year.
Now, I understand the hurt that goes with that question. When I was pg with ds everyone asked me, is this your first and it hurt because, it would of been my second, if I did not m/c. I'm sorry they hurt

[Brittanie]

I don't think it was meant to be hurtful. I've realized in the last four years that we are sensitive to it because it hurts us. And when it's not THEIR pain, they just don't think about it. I probably would have been hurt, too, in your situation, but I don't think it was meant to be hurtful.

[Halfbaked]

I know how it hurts but I've had a loss and I would still ask dumb questions like that, not to hurt anyone's feelings but because I'm curious. If someone had a loss, I would want to know that as well. I think when questions come up like that, it's the perfect time to share about your loss. Rarely do I feel like I can just tell anyone about it. It's great that you posted something so that they will just know. I'm sure you'll get others posting that they are sorry and maybe a few others will share their losses as well.

[ldovey83]

Oh I know she didn't intentionally post it to hurt me cause there are other moms in there that have miscarried.. It is just so soon after me loosing this last baby that she posted it and it is still so real in my head.. I know it is just my emotions getting the best of me.. They all care about me, and are sorry for what I went through so I know it is not aimed towards hurting me..

[missy123]

Originally Posted by Brittanie

I don't think it was meant to be hurtful. I've realized in the last four years that we are sensitive to it because it hurts us. And when it's not THEIR pain, they just don't think about it. I probably would have been hurt, too, in your situation, but I don't think it was meant to be hurtful.

Ditto

[Servilia]

It might hurt my feelings but I would not blame the person who started it or get upset with that person or the fact that the post was started. A PR is a pretty general type of forum (not dealing specifically with loss or infertility) and they can't necessarily contemplate or foresee what post would hurt whom, kwim? I'm sorry your feelings were hurt

[ashj_1218]

See next post...this was an accidentally entered post...

[ashj_1218]

I totally understand why that could be hurtful, even when it wasn't intended to be. I end up feeling sensitive about questions like that too. And I really do think that the person who started it must not have ever suffered a loss. Only those who have never experienced how it feels to lose a baby would blithely assume everyone has the option of selecting how many children they want, when they want them, and if they would consider more even if they were done.

I have an even harder time when people make comments about "oh, well two-under-two is so hard"...when I am sitting here wishing like heck that I was still due in Feb and my kids would be 15 months apart. And then the one I lost two months later would be 17 months behind Liam. I really feel that those comments are from folks who have no idea what it is like to have hopes, dreams, visions for the baby they are carrying and then have to say goodbye without ever seeing their child's face or knowing who they would become.

I only hope that in time it gets less likely for me to feel that the comments are so cutting. But I am not sure that is true. I guess it might dull, but I think that the hurt is still there. Hang in there, I am so sorry for you going through this.