[sarha81]

Thanks for letting me get this out:

It's been two weeks since my m/c. I literally have been learning how to function from scratch, starting with how to get out of bed, how to shower, how to eat, how to act "ok" around people. This week has been pretty good in terms of crying and getting back to the old routines. I'm just trying to cope with anxiety while keeping depression away, if I can. Sometimes it's too powerful.

So what happens —*my worst f'n nightmare. One of my friends posts her 8 week ultrasound on facebook and her due date is April 21st, six days ahead of (what do I say here?) the baby I carried for 7 weeks.

This has TOTALLY DESTROYED ME. First thought, this is what my u/s was supposed to look like, if the baby hadn't been dead. Second thought, OMG I have to watch her be pregnant for 9 months, thinking about my loss. Third thought, I can't be friends with her, can't see her, can't talk to her. Fourth thought, I am a bad person. Fifth thought, I don't care that I am a bad person, this is how I feel, the world has sh*t on me. F the world. Sixth thought, I need to go home, cry my eyes out, pull down the shades, and try to sleep the whole weekend away.

I hate all this resentment and jealousy. I think its fair to say I hate the person I am now, but I can't change it. I am too deeply sad about losing the baby.

Meanwhile, my DH offers this great advice: "Try not to think about it." Really?!?!?!?! Good thing he isn't a shrink.

I know so many of you have gone through this, even with your best friends or co-workers. Tell me how to deal with it. Tell me what you did to learn how to be happy for others. I am thinking about deleting FB and any pregnant friend I have forever.

[TTCin2010]

Hugs I hate the jealous person I have become. I can't stand to see pregnant people or people with newborns. I've had to hide a few peoples status updates on fb bc they are due the same time as my bean was due. It sucks..

[shen7]

I'm so sorry sarha.....

It sucks, and it sucks to feel mean for hating someone so much. I hated someone (a family member) in a similar way (also pg close to my most recent loss's timing), and I don't know what was harder, the hating, or being ashamed of my hating. One option is clearly to delete FB and/or the pg friends. I'm not on FB - I would say "just don't get on FB" but from what I've seen, that's not an option for real FBers!! You can suspend your profile without deleting it, I think. Anyway that's one avenue.

A much harder way, which I tried to do but went through so many sleepless nights and difficult emotions, I'm not sure I would recommend it, is to really allow yourself to hate and try to accept your feelings without giving them extra energy, and wait for them to pass naturally. I wasn't sure this was ever going to happen, but finally I got to a place where I realized that as jealous as I was of this person, I would rather be me and live my life, despite its hardships. I still have pangs sometimes but overall I feel okay with it. I sort of had to work through this with this person because she's close family, I can't avoid her.

You are only 2 weeks out... it's still very, very, very raw... don't be afraid to rage and cut people off and do whatever needs to be done to protect yourself at this time... there's plenty of time to mend bridges down the line if you choose. Good luck, and vent here all you want.

[Halloween81]

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way right now and I know how it feels. The best advise I have is to do whatever you have to. If that means deleting her from FB then so be it. The pain does get easier but it takes time, it took about 7 months for me to finally be at peace with pregnant people after my second loss - which is the one that hit me the hardest. I avoided friends that were pregnant or had babies because it would have been just too hard. Don't feel bad about hurting other peoples feelings, just take care of yourself.

[sarha81]

I am RUSHING to block her status updates — that was brilliant, and so are the other comments, and love, and support.

[stargatemommy]

I had a loss in Jan of 2009, that baby was to be born in August. My sister-in-law got pregnant due early September... I still get sad every time I see him (the baby). I barely talked to her, her entire pregnancy! I totally know how you feel...

[Brittanie]

I was pregnant with my best friend. Katy is nearly 2 months younger than Cora would have been. It still hurts to look at her sometimes, but I have come to love her for Katy, my almost-niece, rather than see only what-Cora-should-be. But it's been extremely hard, don't get me wrong. Telima and I have both been pregnant 3 times. Actually, we overlapped all 3 times. She has all 3 of her babies, and sometimes I do still just envy that.

But I love her, and I love her family, and that's what's gotten me through it.

The other friend I was pregnant with went on to have a stillborn son at 21 weeks, so it's not so hard to look at her family.

Hiding the updates is a good idea.

And most of all, you are NOT alone.

[luvmykids623]

I am sooo sorry you have to know what this is like! I was due 4/12 and my "friend"/coworker is due 4/10. Her classroom is right across the hall from mine, and she serves as a constant reminder of what I should have. It hurts more than words can express. As a matter of fact, I've changed the way I normally m/c in large part due to her. The last 2 times I m/c naturally. This time, it's been a week and there are no signs of my body catching on. I went to the dr last night, and she offered to give me two more weeks to try naturally. If it weren't for this "friend" I may have taken it, but seeing her growing belly everyday knowing what's in mine is killing me. I opted for a d&c this time around, and it's scheduled for Tuesday. The reason I say she's my "friend" is because of the reaction she had to my news about the baby not having a h/b. She has been less than sympathetic, and has flaunted her belly directly in my face on purpose. I guess I'm seeing her true colors, and she's just not the person I thought she was. She almost seems happy to not have to share the pregnancy spotlight with me. I'm sorry I don't have any advice on how to deal with this for you. But, I want you to know that we can get through this together!

[HopefulMommy81]

Just wanted to offer some virtual and reiterate that you're not alone here! I'm going through similar feelings right now as my EDD approaches quickly.

[ashj_1218]

Oh hon...you are SOOOO not alone. Most of us have these feelings at some time or another. Recently a FB friend (from high school) announced she is due on 3-3-11 with their third. And I wanted to scream when I read that. Even though we are not close at all. It totally ruined my night, knowing that by now, I would be announcing it to the world, almost getting my big ultrasound. It is envy, because you obviously wouldn't not want her to have her baby, but you want yours too. Jealousy is when you don't want her to have it either. There is a big difference and that can help take away some of that shame. You are not a bad person for wanting your baby...we all want ours back. You are not bad to not want to see her happy news in the face of your sad news. Your reaction is entirely normal...and nothing to be ashamed of. You are grieving and that allows you to be gentle on yourself. Don't make it worse than it is...you are a GOOD person!!

[missy123]

I have felt the same way... You are not a bad person. You just want your baby back. ((Hugs))

Going through a pregnancy loss is the hardest thing. I am so sorry this happened to you.

[Brittanie]

Originally Posted by ashj_1218

Oh hon...you are SOOOO not alone. Most of us have these feelings at some time or another. Recently a FB friend (from high school) announced she is due on 3-3-11 with their third. And I wanted to scream when I read that. Even though we are not close at all. It totally ruined my night, knowing that by now, I would be announcing it to the world, almost getting my big ultrasound. It is envy, because you obviously wouldn't not want her to have her baby, but you want yours too. Jealousy is when you don't want her to have it either. There is a big difference and that can help take away some of that shame. You are not a bad person for wanting your baby...we all want ours back. You are not bad to not want to see her happy news in the face of your sad news. Your reaction is entirely normal...and nothing to be ashamed of. You are grieving and that allows you to be gentle on yourself. Don't make it worse than it is...you are a GOOD person!!

The technical difference is that envy is when you desire something someone else has. Jealousy is when you are afraid someone will take what you have. So a lover who fears their partner will leave them is jealous of their partner's other-gender friends. Erin is jealous of Patrick and the toys.

But we envy others and their innocent happy pregnancies.

((sorry, I took a Shakespeare course in college and we spent an entire period on the difference between envy and jealousy when reading Othello))