[tobi4]

Im sorry this is so long. ... Please know that I am posting this with the understanding and hurt of someone who has been there ...
This is really a very difficult post to make in so many ways. I dont want to hurt anyone and yet I do not want others to be inadvertantly hurt either. ... Let me explain. It is clear to us all why seeing pregnant women and young babies is upsetting. Just as it is clear why we all find such a generous amount of support from eachother. Reminders are so difficult when we have been torn down. But when we have no tolerance for another persons joy, are we not doing the same thing that we get upset at other people for? Are we just permitted to say whatever we want because we have been hurt? Lots of us get comments like "When are you going to have a baby?" or "At least you are young enough to try again". You know, all those comments that are made in innocence but still manage to hurt. But what about our ttcal grads who come to our board because they have made such wonderful connections to people on this board and care enough to support each and every one of us? I have a few of these women on my facebook. I see their updates, their ultrasounds, their babies. They DESERVE to be happy, they deserve to shout their joy to their world. Should our grads be more careful? Or is it because they have suffered along with us that they are supported in their joy?
Should I be angry at my best friend for not losing their baby as well? Even if it is a reminder of what I lost? I wouldnt wish that pain on anyone. In my opinion, women who have not suffered a loss, they are still deserving of joy. The deserve to shout it out too.
Im not a martyr. I feel pain in my heart when I see the 2 other women at my work who are due within 2 weeks of my EDD. I am happy their babies are doing so well. I feel angry when I see women who are pregnant in the mall. I am hurt when women seem to have no trouble at all getting pregnant. Why not me? But ... They dont have to suffer to be allowed to be happy.
I dont want anyone to feel attacked by this. I needed this reminder. I needed to remember what I was actually mad about. I wasnt angry at my friends. I didnt hate perfect strangers. I was mad at the universe. The universe could handle my anger. But I was reminded that I had no right to hurt other people. Its not their fault that my babies died. And had I not been reminded in time, I may have hurt some relationships that are really quite important to me. I needed to be angry, I needed to cry, and I still do, but the most important thing that I learned was that I needed to 'define' my hate, rather than let my hate define who I really am.

[shen7]

Thank you for writing this, Tobi. I think it's very beautiful and wise, and must have been difficult to write so thoughtfully. I think about how best to deal with my hate and anger all the time, and this is very helpful for me.

[tobi4]

Originally Posted by shen7

Thank you for writing this, Tobi. I think it's very beautiful and wise, and must have been difficult to write so thoughtfully. I think about how best to deal with my hate and anger all the time, and this is very helpful for me.

Thank you so much for understanding what I was trying to say. It was very difficult to write. ~hugs~ You will get through it hun. It is so d@mn hard!

[msshamis23]

I agree whole heartedly Tobi. I'm glad that you put it to words, and shared it to us all.
I've gotten better about being angry at my friends, co-workers, and family for simply being pregnant. Envy, is now what has settled in. (and believe me, I look horrible in green!) I now look at pregnant women and feel that angel of jealousy sitting on my shoulder. One thing that I still have to work on now, is the women who get pregnant with no trouble at all, and either don't want to be pregnant, don't want the baby, or are breaking the pregnancy guidelines....(AKA smoking while pregnant, getting a tattoo while pregnant.......etc) Those are the ones i'm still resentful towards. (My ex's girlfriend for example: she's my age and has had five kids. The only one she has custody of is her newborn with my ex. The others got taken away from her, she also smoked heavily during the entire pregnancy, she didn't care about it.) Now her newborn has had all sorts of problems, and she could care less.

But thank you Tobi. That was beautifully put.

[tobi4]

I do agree with you Amy. I dont understand how people who seem to be so undeserving get pregnant so easily and then treat their pregnant bodies with so little respect. Some things Ill never understand.
Do you and you dh have visitation rights with the little one?

[msshamis23]

Yeah. I have her for four days a week, and he has her three. We still get along pretty well, and I have to admit he is a great dad, so if we have any issues we try to work through them.

[tobi4]

Im sorry, I was confused! I thought you meant your current dh had a baby with her before .... sorry! I just re~read what you wrote ... my mistake!
Your little girl is adorable, shes lucky to have parents that can get along and make things the best for her. A lot of kids miss out on that.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Tobi I think that was beautifully written

[Brittanie]

It took me so long to figure out that I could be happy for them and sad for me AT THE SAME TIME. I really was quite angry, not at my friends really, I didn't want them to lose their babies. I was angry at myself for a long time. It took me a while to realize that being angry at myself was not quite right either. Being angry at the universe/life/etc., that made sense. But I shouldn't be angry at myself because I didn't want Cora to die, I would have done ANYTHING in my power to save her. So, why be angry at myself that I didn't have the power?

I think that along with everything Tobi said, we need to remember to allow ourselves to find joy in small other things around ourselves too. Our babies died, that sucks, but we shouldn't keep ourselves from learning to laugh again.

[KAB]

Tobi, reading what you wrote made me cry. Everything you said is so true, and even though I've been able to move on to a DDC I think I needed that reminder as well, because the sting of loss is still very real to me, and I too get angry and jealous at others that have it so easy. That was very well written and so true, and I can only imagine how hard it was for you to write that. I pray for you and all of my dear friends on this board daily, I would love nothing more then to see you get your BFP and hold a rainbow baby in your arms.

[msshamis23]

Thank you Tobi! She's my world--and quite honestly the only thing getting my by lately. And I agree with you Brittanie. It may seem hard, but you have to find things to make you laugh, to make you smile. I would never NEVER NEVER EVER!!!! wish upon someone to lose their baby just so they could feel my pain, BUT that being said I just wish some people could be more understanding about what we went through. That it's not just an, "Oh well, try again."

*hugs to all of us out there. there is a light at the end of that tunnel. And it's rainbow colored*

[JessP]

Thank you for this reminder. I think at times our anger consumes us. And the fact that everyone moved on and forgot makes it that much harder and more raw. But I would never wish my friends to go through this. As for those that are "undeserving" that is not for me to decide. There is a reason for that child, it may not be for the mother, perhaps the child is important in some way, or perhaps there was the hope that she would get straight. My DH reminded me of this when I was so angry at smoking, drug doing, etc pregnant women. It helped me to see that my anger was misplaced.
For everyone. We all need those .

[luvmykids623]

This was very beautifully written, Tobi!

[BeccaM]

I know that was hard to write Tobi but I agree with you 100%. It took me a long time to realize Im not angry at ladies that are pregnant. Im angry at the world in general. It so easy to place the blame on particular people when we sometimes dont want to face it. It hurts to face the anger but it is all a part of the healing process.

I needed a reminder of this as well as Sept is an aweful month and that anger may begin to creep back up.

Thank you Tobi!

[missy123]

Tobi - well written and I am sure those were hard words to type... ((Hugs))

Keep the faith girl, it will happen to us! We can not give up on our dreams!

Much love to you.

[Celena]

Tobi

You're a wise lady it is hard sometime to remember what exactly is making us into bitter, saddened, angriness... It over flows into the world of everything we do, see, hear, act on and before you know it can turn into a catastrophe. It's good to step back and remind ourselves we're grieving and that it's ok, but like you said no one inflicted this pain on us other than some ignorant, insensitive, or unsupportive comments. Everyone deals differently, keep a perspective on it and not give it he power to rule your life.

However I won't hesitate to stand up and step in when someone is being rather insensitive....

I've gotten passed the point when I had to advert my eyes from pregnant ladies (sometimes. I wonder how many losses they've had to get there) , I don't advert my eyes from newborns ( make eye contact and smile ESP when they coo) , the little toddler singing a
A random song making up words is cracking me up.. . Don't get me wrong I very much long to be pregnant with our rainbow baby!! I do NOT want to his the 3yr mark in April without being pregnant!!! But I know we all deal in our own way, but I hope that I do a decent job for others especially when I don't do such a great job to myself.

[dreamer10]

Tobi....I don't think any one of us could have said it better....your words were perfect. For all three of my loses I had a dear close friend who as due at the same time. It was so hard at times to see them pregnant (we all go to church together...so we see each other every sunday), and now two of them have their beautiful babies in their arms and the last is due in a few weeks. I will admit its been hard at times to be happy for them, but its not their faults that I lost my baby and they didnt and they deserved my support...Thanks for posting this....anger and frustration has a time and place....

[aitch]

Originally Posted by KAB

Tobi, reading what you wrote made me cry. Everything you said is so true, and even though I've been able to move on to a DDC I think I needed that reminder as well, because the sting of loss is still very real to me, and I too get angry and jealous at others that have it so easy. That was very well written and so true, and I can only imagine how hard it was for you to write that. I pray for you and all of my dear friends on this board daily, I would love nothing more then to see you get your BFP and hold a rainbow baby in your arms.

Very true.

Thanks for writing this Tobi. Even being lucky enough to move on to a DDC it's still hard. I still judge other women and am angry at some of the decisions they make but you're right, it's not really them I'm angry at.

It's also tough knowing that I've graduated and some good friends on this board haven't. There's a certain guilt that goes with it and I still lurk hoping for BFPs for you all.

[Micksbabe]

Well said Thank you for sharing this awesome insight with us!

[..Penelope..]

That was beautifully written, and just the reminder that I needed lately. Even after having graduated from TTCAL, it is too easy to get swept up by anger and bitterness.

Thank you for sharing!