[missy123]

So I am getting married in a few days and down in GA on the beach... Friends and family are here and a lot more are coming in today and tomorrow.

I find myself ok during the day, having a blast. But then the nights creep in and haunt me and you know that raw pain that eats at your inner soul? Well, yeah it hit me. My heart hurts, it is raw and I just want to cry.

I am taking Valium and I don't want to, but I have to in order to mask the pain so they only see me as "a happy bride to be". I feel fake.

I can't talk about it with anyone here, no one understands. They think I should just be so happy and excited about the wedding and not think about it. "It"??? It was my baby....

Thanks for listening, love you girls.

[ohnicole]

Awwww, Missy. I wish you weren't going through this

I'm sure that on one hand the wedding is a great distraction and really helping you get through a lot of the time without feeling so down about your loss. But on the other hand it can be so exhausting and so infuriating to have to put on a show of happiness for people who just don't get it.

You have every right to break down. You have every right to be sad about your loss. Just like you have every right to be excited about marrying a wonderful guy

Get through all the time with all the people however you can. At the end of all of this, you'll be a happy wife, TTC her sticky bean

You're a strong woman

[missya0002]

i can relate. I wasnt trying to have a baby but wasnt preventing but when i found out i was pregnant it was like a joy that came over me. Then when i seen the babies heartbeat at 6 weeks it was even better. And for some reaso i let myself believe this time everything would be okay and even DH came along who didnt want a baby until he seen that. Then when i miscarried without knowing it and went for an ultrasound at 8 weeks to find it stopped growing with no more heartbeat i was very upset. and its okay i found that you just cant take it sometimes its normal. Just focus on your wedding and have faith that next time you ttc you will have a beautiful baby to hold. Hugs

[sarha81]

Oh missy, lots of hugs to you. I will pray that your wedding day will be PACKED FULL of wonderful distractions to keep your mind off your sadness. I find my better days are busy, are full of loved ones, and are spent in the arms of my husband. I hope your wedding offers you the comfort you deserve after so much suffering. And I agree with the other missy, you WILL have a beautiful baby to hug, someday. Pour all that baby love into your hubby for now.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Missy first off super big hugs!

Now on to business! You are going to make a beautiful bride. I know that right now you want to feel happiness for your wedding but also grieve for your baby. Know that we are all here for you lovey! Don't ever feel like you need to put on a front in front of anyone. I know its hard not to but honestly they need to understand that yes you are happy your getting married but you lost your baby... your grieving. I pray you find some piece and comfort and know that all us JM mommies are with you in spirit.

[Pitridge]

Ohh Missy, I wish I lived closer so that I could be with you, to help you through this time. I'm sorry you are going through this. Your big day is coming and I know that that's a huge distraction during the day, but at night you are not planning your wedding and that's when it hits you, like a rock you didn't see coming. It sucks that you have to pretend, I still have to pretend in front of people, it's like everyone forgot that I had a lost, it's tabbu.
I just want to go there and give you a big

[MeganMomof5]

(((((Hugs))))))) I'm so sorry...I wish there was something I could do Please know that even though you can't talk to anyone there, we are all here for you...I think nights are the worst, they always were and still are for me.

[Micksbabe]

My heart broke for you when I read that post. You want your wedding day to be this fabulous happy day but in the back of your mind there is this lingering sadness It isn't easy to put on a happy face when you are still grieving on the inside.

[luvmykids623]

I wish I lived closer so I could give you a great big hug! I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm sorry that no one understands why you feel the way you do. I'm in a position where I have to pretend a lot, and it hurts so much. I agree that it's so incredibly difficult to put on a happy face when you feel so heartbroken and lost on the inside. Feel free to vent, scream, cry, etc here. We're here for you.

[JessP]

I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain during a time that should be happy. And its so hard to be happy when you know someone important is missing. I wish you all the happiness in the world with your new hubby! You know we are here for you whenever you need us. I hope your wedding day is a wonderful one.

[tobi4]

You must be spinning in circles Missy. You most likely already know this but in case you need a reminder ... its ok to be happy. Your angel would want you to be happy, on your wedding day and always. Balancing your sadness and joy right now has to be so difficult, I dont even know what to say! I mean, of course you are sad, of course you are happy but trying to separate those emptions into 2 different time frames has got to be just impossible. I feel for you honey, I really really do. I cant imagine trying to do what you have to, and to do it so well.... You are very strong girl. A lady to be admired.

[dreamer10]

First off Missy...I love you. Second I have to say that your loss and your pain are normal. I am so sorry that you feel like you have to go through this alone. If only any one of us if not all of us were there to be with you. But please do not believe that you are alone because here on this board you have so many people that have been cheering for you, crying with you and looking forward to your wedding with you. We tend to cling to the positive wonderful moments in life because we all know too well the sting of loss and the pain that can haunt a lifetime. We have all seen your wedding dress, helped pick out flowers and are all looking forward to this weekend with you. You are not alone. You may not be able to hug us and we may not be able to go to your wedding in person but we will be there in heart and soul. Try not to mask that pain, let others know that you are marrying the best man in the world, and you also have just lost this man's baby and your joy and pain are very real...and if nothing else steel that wonderful DF away for a moment and let him hug the pain away even if just for a moment.....

We all love you....hang in there....

[MamaRN]

((BIG HUGS)) Missy. I know your little Angel is going to be looking down on your on your big day. I know what you mean.... life is just going on around me as though nothing happened and I ache for and miss my little baby every day.

Vent away whenever you need to.

Ps- I hope you have a beautiful wedding day.

[Celena]

Missy I love you too honey

I'm sorry that you feel the intensity of the pain washing over you right now... but ya know what? IT'S OK to be sad, hurting bride to be!!! You just went thru a painful loss honey, no one is in your shoes and your shoes are tough ones to fill. You know in your heart of hearts that you're absolutely thrilled and on cloud 900 about marrying DF!!! So who cares what others think, you know your true feelings.... you know your heart better than anyone....

I found this poem and shared it to Becca, but I can't help but to think of how appropriate it is for you to read as well.... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SWEETNESS!!! You're one of the kindest souls I've ever yet to meet irl

A Birth Healing Blessing

Blessed sister, beautiful one
with broken wings.
Your journey is a difficult one
that no mother should have to endure.
Your path is steep, rocky and slippery
and your tender heart is in need of gentle healing.

Breathe deeply and know that you are loved.
You are not alone,
though at times, you will feel like a
desolate island of grief
untouchable
distant.
Close your eyes.
Seek the wisdom of women who have walked this well-worn path before you,
before,
and before,
and before you yourself were born.
These beautiful ones
with eyes like yours
have shared your pain, and
weathered the storms of loss.

You are not alone (breathe in)
You will go on (breathe out)
Your wings will mend (breathe in)
You are loved (breathe out)

~ Mary Burgess

Author, Mending Invisible Wings, a healing journal for mothers following the loss of their baby

[missy123]

I love you girls so much... You made me cry and I bookmarked this page so I can read your posts when I get sad...

Tobi - You made me bawl. What you said about my baby wanting me to be happy... It is so true. That's all my boys want is for me to be happy in life and it hit my heart hard knowing another baby I raised would feel the same.

Oh THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH...

And I was crying last night and DF was all really drunk out bar hopping with his buddies (all 22 of them that came in!)... He sent me a message and I told him to leave me alone, that I didn't want my pain to ruin the best week of his life as well. In so many words he told me to come down. I went down there and he came outside and just hugged me and kissed me in the middle of the street - holding up traffic until a cop told us to move. Talk about a Kodak moment. Yup, I am marrying the best guy ever for me.

[zkat]

Missy, you are so right. No body can understand that nothing, NOTHING can take away the pain of losing a child. My sister told me when I had my loss - "Remember, no matter what you are feeling right now, it is OK to feel that way. Don't let anyone try to tell you it's time to move on or that it isn't that bad, because it is."

**Still birth and pregnancy mentioned below**

I mentioned to DH last night that I was now at the point where my sister lost her son, almost 28 weeks and it makes me a little nervous. What he said to me after that sums it up better than anything.

He said, "You know, I have been thinking about calling BIL and saying I am sorry. I tried to be there for him and understand their pain, but I really had no way to comprehend what they were going through at the time. Now I understand how horrible that time was for them and wish I could go back and be there for them in a different way, because Now, I get it. I know how I would feel if it happened to us right now. I could be a better friend"

It made me cry because he is so right, no body understands this pain and the void it leaves unless they have been there. You can be empathetic and understanding, but you cannot comprehend. I think that is why this is such a strong forum, we all bond with our common pain. Just like a face to face support group, this is our cyber support group.

We hare here for and understand that the tears you cry this week are both happy and sad at the same time and that is OK. We love you!

Kat.

[Brittanie]

I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now sweetie. But it does sound like he's a great guy for you!

I'm proof you can laugh with tears on your face. I'm sorry that you're feeling like you have to hide it though.

[ldovey83]

Oh Missy.. My heart broke for you when I read this.. I can't even imagine.. This is suppose to be such a happy time for you, and you are having to endure the emotions of loosing the baby too.. Many many hugs to you.. You have a great DF.. That was so sweet of him... I am praying for you hun, and we are all here for you.. Everyone said some great words for you.. I love the poem that Celena shared, and Kat's husband said some awesome words... Hang in there Missy. We all love you hun..