How horrible is this?!?!?! (preg/loss mentioned)

Micksbabe · #1 September 28th, 2010, 09:31 AM

I wasn't sure if I should post this or not but it was really bothering me.

A little back story, a friend got pregnant in April, her and her husband did not want any more kids. She posted it on facebook and everything. Then all of a sudden she posted that they had lost the baby (this was in May) everyone was so sad saying how sorry they were, even I did, I felt so bad for her because she was saying how she better get a girl this time (she has two boys).

Fast foward to last week, my bff and I were talking on the phone and she tells me that this friend didn't lose the baby, she had an abortion

Now, I am not prolife, I am totally prochoice, I believe that every women has the choice to decide what to do with their bodies, but after just having an actual miscarriage I felt robbed. Why would you tell people you lost the baby when you made the decision not to have it

There are so many women out there that are actually going through the pain of a lost child, I was so upset, I couldn't believe that she did that.

It just makes me sick that someone would lie about having a miscarriage and I know that you ladies would be the ones to talk to about it because you would understand.

thanks for letting me rant

Brittanie · #2 September 28th, 2010, 09:38 AM

That would really upset me too. I'm sure she did it so she wouldn't get the backlash that say she'd had an abortion would give her, but for us....it just hurts to hear stuff like that.

MeganMomof5 · #3 September 28th, 2010, 09:44 AM

wow, IMO that's horrible...We actually talked about that last night in my pregnancy loss group...Going and having an abortion (i'm not talking about for medical reasons) is not the same as having a pregnancy loss...You have no choice to loose your pregnancy, and they did have a choice....(again I know that some woman on JM had to end their pregnancy because of medical reasons, and in no way am I talking about them because I know that they did want their babies, they just couldn't...I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings)

mommy jenn · #4 September 28th, 2010, 10:40 AM

i know exactly how you feel. it really makes me sad... even women who fall pregnant by "mistake" its so unfair! we try and try and each time it ends the same way

ohnicole · #5 September 28th, 2010, 10:47 AM

That kind of story does really sting

Huge hugs

.:Shortcake:. · #6 September 28th, 2010, 10:48 AM

I totally agree with Megan. And personally I think abortion unless for medical reasons is totally horrible. A baby is a baby no matter how small.

Halfbaked · #7 September 28th, 2010, 11:20 AM

Are you SURE she had an abortion? My SIL had to have a D&C because her baby stopped growing. The medical term they used when she got pregnant again, was that she had had a first trimester abortion. If she really did have an abortion, then she shouldn't have ever even told anyone she was pregnant in the first place. If it was for medical reasons, that's different. It's just so hard to know for sure over the internet.

I've been avoiding facebook just so I don't have to hear about other people's pregnancies.

ashj_1218 · #8 September 28th, 2010, 11:43 AM

I had a "friend" who did the same thing. She did not announce her pregnancy or anything...but had an abortion and then told whoever knew about the pregnancy (or found out that she had a procedure) that she had a miscarriage.

I never thought a whole lot about how she handled it until later, when I actually had my second miscarriage (I will admit the first one I was strangely unfeeling about). And by then we were not friends anymore and I was horrified by the way she handled it. It was not a miscarriage. A miscarriage or pregnancy loss is the "unchoosen end of a pregnancy due to natural or medical causes." That is not a official definition, but it should be. An abortion is chosen and no matter what, if there is no medical reason, it should never, ever be called a miscarriage. I would be highly offended and would tell the person if it came up. There is a difference.

That said, you never do know what happened when it came from another person. It could have been lost in translation. But if that is what really happened, eeek, I would have something to say about it. I know it is not my place, but I wouldn't be able to help it.

MeganMomof5 · #9 September 28th, 2010, 11:53 AM

I just want to add, when I had D&C for a missed miscarriage it was too called an abortion (I actually cried when I had to sign the paperwork), but it's a different situation...My baby was dead already, it didn't have a heartbeat, and never would I call my D&C for my miscarriage an abortion no matter what the paperwork said...I think most woman who have suffered a misarriage or pregnancy loss wouldn't call it an abortion even though that's the medical term for it.

Banned-a brand new laura · #10 September 28th, 2010, 01:19 PM

My D&C was considered an abortion too. I couldn't believe it. Perhaps we put so much meaning into the term abortion. Of course, those of us having a D&C to clean up after a miscarriage or from a missed miscarriage, we didn't terminate the pregnancies. I always use terminate instead of abort. They ended their pregnancies. I'm not going to judge anyone that had an abortion. My mom had an abortion and so did my sister. My mom's baby had extreme deformities due to drug use when conceiving, and my sister's baby was conceived on medicines that caused a defect incompatible with life. When we went to the clinic for my sister, it was awful. There was a woman on the phone talking, saying, "Oh I'll be outta here by 4. We should totally go out and get something to eat after this! Oh, it's no problem. This isn't the first time!" and I was just sickened. Again, not going to judge people who choose to terminate, but to be so nonchalant about it was sickening. Most women who terminate go thru awful turmoil in their own mind, but this woman didn't even care... Anyway, sorry to hear all of this. I'd imagine abortion is a subject that doesn't do too kindly on the loss boards...

Celena · #11 September 28th, 2010, 01:36 PM

honey!

I'm sorry that you feel so robbed, please don't let their stupidity and poor judgement on explainations get the best of you. It's entirely valid to feel that way tho because of the devasting loss that you suffered.

Some people are plain ol STUPID. They lack any sort of thought processes outside of themselves and how it might effect someone elses feelings if they tell a malicious lie like that. They more than likely weren't trying to "hurt" anyone as much as the possible of shame/humility of what they decided/chose to do not wanting to explain to anyone. Even tho they seem ungrateful for the blessing that they were given and throwing it away (to us) but they were encountering a whole different set of issues totally foriegn to us. It's possible that it was an extremely hard decision or perhaps it was simple. In any event we can't always know what's going thru someone's mind when they do something like that... to us they're throwing a precious life away that so many others would just DIE for instead of being responsible adults to try to prevent things like that from happening.

Servilia · #12 September 28th, 2010, 01:44 PM

I wonder why she would have an abortion by choice after she announced the pregnancy on facebook? I mean, if someone got pregnant and wasn't planning to keep it they surely wouldn't announce the pregnancy.. unless they were sick enough to want the attention and sympathy they might get by calling it a "miscarriage". Ughh

One of the medical terms for a miscarriage is "abortion" so medical paperwork would use that term. It did in the case of my first m/c - it was called "spontaneous abortion". This second time they used the term "failed early pregnancy" which is much more sensitive.

Celena · #13 September 28th, 2010, 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Servilia

One of the medical terms for a miscarriage is "abortion" so medical paperwork would use that term. It did in the case of my first m/c - it was called "spontaneous abortion". This second time they used the term "failed early pregnancy" which is much more sensitive.

I hate that term, "spontaneous abortion" I know it's spontaneous and our bodies aborted it... but with conotetations associated with that word is electively doing it.

Servilia · #14 September 28th, 2010, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Celena

I hate that term, "spontaneous abortion" I know it's spontaneous and our bodies aborted it... but with conotetations associated with that word is electively doing it.

I agree it sucks!

Micksbabe · #15 September 28th, 2010, 05:38 PM

We don't get ultrasounds in our city until 12 weeks, but it was her sister who told my bff. She said that she "felt" that there was something wrong with the baby, so who knows maybe there was, but either way it hurt the way it came about.

Thanks for understanding, I knew that I would get support on here!!

ldovey83 · #16 September 29th, 2010, 11:07 AM

I totally understand how you feel.. I had a close friend after I loss babies one and two that got pregnant.. She talked about keeping it and all.. Well a few days later I found out that she had an abortion.. I am totally prolife, and I respect her decision but what she did after that is what upset me and hurt.. She told the babies daddy that she had an eptopic and had to take the same stuff I did to end the pregnancy.. She made me answer her questions about it in front of him, when I knew that she didn't really go through that, that she had really had an abortion. It hurt so bad. I felt that I was forced to relive it to cover up her lies.. It was heartbreaking so I can understand..

Pitridge · #17 September 29th, 2010, 11:32 AM

I'm sorry......That would hurt me as well.
I agree if she wasn't planing on keeping it, she should of kept her mouth shut (sorry for being harsh).
My d&c was also called some sort of abortion, I got mad when I saw it and dh said that's what they called, and I remember arguing because I did not chose to end it, my baby did not have a h/b....