Numb Over Loss (Loss Mentioned)

LindseyE117 · #1 October 6th, 2010, 08:52 AM

My husband and I recently experienced our first loss over the weekend and we are devastated. I know everyone experiences loss differently, but I just feel so numb.

When I found out, I cried my eyes out, went home, threw away all of my positive pregnancy tests and anything pregnancy or baby related, and just shut down. But the next day it felt as though I accepted everything and I just wanted to put it behind me. It still hurts, but I don�t want to think about it. I just feel numb.

My husband on the other hand took it a lot worse than me. He avoided me for most of the weekend and just avoided people in general. When I finally got him to open up about it, he did admit that he did not know how to treat this loss. He had names picked out for the baby, so he was wondering if we should not reuse those names if we were to get pregnant again. He also wondered if the baby had a soul and if we should morn it as a lost child or just as if a lost pregnancy. He was so distraught over everything. When I tried to talk to him about it, I just felt so cold and numb. Although I would be lying if I said that I was not upset at the way he was taking it.

Why do I feel so numb? I know it hurts and I do feel like I lost a child, not a pregnancy. So why am I trying to get past it so quickly? What is wrong with me? Is this normal? I still have my moments, but overall I seem too ok.

Catherine · #2 October 6th, 2010, 09:09 AM

Oh sweetie. It's ok. Everyone grieves differently and you just have to go with whatever works for you. Try to keep the lines of communication open and you will find your way through together.

sarha81 · #3 October 6th, 2010, 09:13 AM

sooooooo sorrrrrrrrry, Lindsey. There is nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with your husband. Not only does each person deal with it diff, but each day brings diff feelings. You might be able to put it behind you one day, but the next feel like it's got you by the throat. You want to move on, so you can not be so sad/numb, but sometimes that's hard to do. or maybe it's not for you, and good for you! you have good coping skills. that's a super thing.

shen7 · #4 October 6th, 2010, 09:24 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss. Although it's hard to watch your husband taking it badly, I think it's also sweet, it shows he is a very sensitive man. I'm sure if you just keep the lines of communication open, you will come to a common acceptance of how each of you are dealing with things. Maybe there is somebody like a pastor or spiritual advisor he can talk to about his more metaphysical questions? I think it's common to have such thoughts and questions after a first pregnancy loss.

Also VERY IMPORTANT: it is NORMAL for you to feel numb and wanting to just move on, as well!!!!! There are lots of normal responses and over time, you may pass through other moments where things really hit you. In a way, you are in the more vulnerable position, since this happened in your body, and so you are psychologically protecting yourself. It's very much how I dealt with things myself.

I went through a lot of numbness with both my losses. With my first, I just treated it like it was never real in the first place, and I had just been mistaken, and put it out of my mind as much as possible. I honestly didn't think about it much and moved on. Months later I started realizing "I would be showing now" or "I would be due around now" and going through some mourning. But by then it had faded in intensity quite a bit, and it was more manageable.

Good luck hun, and remember this board is here for you whenever you need to vent. Everything you and your DH are going through is very normal after what you've experienced, and we all here have been there and understand.

MamaRN · #5 October 6th, 2010, 09:52 AM

((HUGS))

Your feelings of grief and your husband's are totally normal. DH and I asked those questions too. Ultimately we did what felt right and had a private little 'funeral' service for our lost baby and gave him a name. We cried over him, prayed about it, got angry, talked about our feelings.

I still have bad days and it's been 4 months since my loss. But, some days are really good too. I hope you can let yourself go through the process and know that it's OK and normal.

((HUGS))

Toots216 · #6 October 6th, 2010, 11:14 AM

So sorry for your loss Lindsey!! I had a loss about 10 days ago, and my feelings are VERY similar to yours, and I do think it is very normal. Just let yourself feel whatever you're feeling (I'm sure you'll have some moments of sadness), but to have a positive attitude and the feeling that you want to move on is very healthy.

MeganMomof5 · #7 October 6th, 2010, 11:52 AM

I'm sorry to hear about your loss

Numbness is a very normal thing after a loss, that and shock...Over time the way you feel will probably change, it has for me many times.

~Lynda~ · #8 October 6th, 2010, 01:06 PM

it is your bodies way of protecting itself. i went through it too. you will feel the emotions when you least expect it. i'm so sorry for your loss hun. i had 4 losses and each one was very different. hugs

Celena · #9 October 6th, 2010, 01:10 PM

Lindsey

I'm very very sorry about your loss of your LO over the weekend

I don't have many words to say as I feel like I have to say them more than I'd ever like to. We've had so many ladies joining us that it get's to sound cliche` saying the same things so often

... as every one of us is unique I'd like to send my sincere condolences.

You're grieving, there's so many stages and ways we each go thru it... I had read allot of articles and poems that helped make things *click* understanding what I was going thru as well as ladies experiences here.

I'm going to list some links to posts I c/p into the info spot subforum up top... you can find mroe there, but I hope these help you as much as they had myself and others.

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1...al-impact.html (Miscarriage � Dealing With the Emotional Impact)

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1...-emotions.html (Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Infant Death (grief & emotions))

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1...fferently.html (Men and Women Grieve Differently)

http://www.justmommies.com/forums/f1...ancy-loss.html (Coping with Miscarriage & Pregnancy Loss)

here's the direct link to the subforum... Pregnancy Loss & TTCAL Info Spot - JustMommies Message Boards

LindseyE117 · #10 October 6th, 2010, 06:43 PM

Thank you all so much. My body is still getting rid of the pregnancy I guess, so it is making it a lot harder for me. People are asking questions and I honestly do not know how to answer them.

I like the funeral idea and I think it may help my husband get over it. I am really glad I found this forum and I have others who understand how I feel. Thank you again.