[okiliz]

So my sister in law is in the hospital having her baby and all I can do when I think about it is cry.. I keep seeing the updates on facebook and it is like a dagger in my heart... Yet in a strange way I am honestly happy for her.... I know I am.. I just can't feel it right now.. Are the tears caused by the FSH injections ? My husband says calm down it will be us soon.. we are doing the treatmen ts now.. it will work.. but how does he know.. am I an awful person for not being joyful ?? The other day Carters was 50 % off and I got both of my sister in law's some baby clothes as a gift.. I was ok... until I put them in the cart and then I just started crying... in the middle of the store.... I kept one outfit for me... I feel like I should not be so sad.. We just started treatment and injections and will have an IUI next week if all goes well.. but for some reason her having her baby now is like... a slap on my heart because I should be making plans for the birth of my twins,I should be having problems sleeping because the babies won't stop kicking.. but my babies are gone... and hers is coming.. a new life is a beautiful wonderful thing .. Please tell me I am not evil.... or mean..
I am kinda scared that the IUI won't work because I am so upset about her giving birth.. I mean it is not like I want anything bad to happen to them.. not at all.. She really wanted this baby and deep inside me I am so happy for them... just.. I wanted mine too... I prayed for mine too... yet here I sit.. giving myself injections again.. goign through the ultrasounds and blood work again.. and wondering if it will work.. if I will get to keep this baby(ies).. Sorry guys.. I am just really down and I knew you guys would not judge me for what I say... thanks for being here

[shen7]

You are NOT a bad person honey!!! Of course births and baby clothes make you think of your loss, and upset you. You are also happy for your SILs at the same time, but grief can be overwhelming. It's completely natural and expected.

I'm sure going through the IUI stuff at the same time is intense... hormones are crazy enough anyway, with the injections, whoa nelly! Give yourself a break. It's good to cry when you need to. Being upset won't make the IUI not work. Try to catch and treasure the little moments of peace and comfort you get...

Good luck for a successful IUI cycle!!! I'll be sending you lots of T&P!!!!!!

[Brittanie]

Being sad for your babies who are not with you doesn't make you a bad person. There is no right way to feel. You lost something tremendous when your babies died, and sometimes we don't really realize just how big it is until someone else's joy shows us. Being sad for you doesn't mean you aren't happy for them. And it is okay for you to feel this way.

I joined JM the day a good friend of mine gave birth to her little girl. We had been pregnant together and I was so overwhelmed with grief for my Cora. I felt the same way you do, I felt like I was a bad person for feeling that way. I was overjoyed that Abby arrived safely, but I wished it was something we were experiencing together.

It is courageous of you to buy your sisters-in-law presents. Soon you will come to love the babies for themselves instead of just seeing not-your-baby.

[Pitridge]

I agree you are not a bad person......It's perfectly alright to feel like you feel, you are grieving for your babies.
Just wanted to send you tons of HUGS

[SkyBaby]

There is no way you are a bad person. I completely understand, hun. My friends at work were pregnant around the same time I was and seeing them was like a dagger to my heart too. I was happy, but sad at the same time. I finally had to block one from my facebook because she was just telling me to get over it. I still dont' talk to her much, even though I've moved on.

You have every right to feel the way you feel. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If they do, it might be best to not talk to those people for a while. I had the exact same thoughts going through my head. All the Why-mes. We will all get our sticky bfps soon. I know it. In the mean time, let's be comforted with the fact that we have something no one else has. Angels watching over us.

[ahawkin2]

You are not a bad person......I am about to go through the same thing in a couple of weeks with my sister in law. I am happy for her but when I think about it I just get sad and wonder why that cant be me. I think that what you are feeling is totally normal. Keep your head up it will happen..........for all of us!

[ldovey83]

We all totally understand how you feel... It is something all of us have gone through on TTCAL.... I too just had a bunch of close friends and family announce pregnancies or gender results, and even some introducing a new arrival.. It is like a dagger to the heart each time cause our hearts mourn and break for what we lost, but also want so much for what they have and to be annoucing mine.. So to answer your question no you are not wrong for your feelings.. We are all here for you to vent to anytime..

[okiliz]

thanks guys, it helped a lot to read your responses... Her baby was born.. and she is adorable.. I teared up when I read about it but I left her a short congrats on her page when she posted the pic.. I wish I could call or do more but I just can't right now .. I just gave my self another injection ... Everytime I do one it gives me hope that my overies will grow eggs and it brings me closer to my BFP ... I go back on Sunday to check for progress and then if all goes well, 2 days later for another scan and the HCG shot and then the IUI the very next day ... I have so much hope it will work but then scared the next second it won't or something.. Well. I got through this birth ok. it was hard for me but as you guys said normal.. Sometime in the next 2 weeks my sister is also due.. Then in December a month before I was due my other sister in law is due.. hopefully by that time I'll be pregnant.. it will still be hard.. but in a way easier to handle if I am .. anyway, thanks so much guys !!!

[Joanna1127]

I completely understand how you feel. My SIL is also pregnant, due on November 25th. Though I am deep down happy for her and my brother, it is also definitely a constant slap in the face. It's only been a week since my loss and already I feel like some people have forgotten, yet they are constantly talking about my SIL, etc. Again I know how you feel and I think its only normal for us to be feeling these ways.

sending you tons of hugs and hoping you get your BFP soon!

[luvmykids623]

You are most definitely not a bad person! It is so hard to see others fulfill the dream that you had when your dream was shattered.

My first niece was born a month and a half after I had my first loss. It was SOOOO hard to be happy, especially since my brother and her mother didn't want a baby to start with and weren't responsible or caring for her in the right way. They were and still are two of the most selfish people I know. As a matter of fact they called me every weekend and every day I had off and asked me to take her and threatened that if I didn't they would send her to her maternal grandmother (who was severely drug addicted and trying to use drugs to abort HER pregnancy for the first 19 weeks). So my niece basically lived with me every weekend and day I had off for the first year of her life. I was SO hatefully angry with God for allowing such incredibly selfish people to have babies and for taking mine away. It was hard to look at my niece thinking that I should have a baby of my own to snuggle. This time one of my coworkers is due 2 days before I was, and while I don't wish any harm on her or the baby at all, it's hard to see her and know what I should have.

What you're feeling is completely normal, and I'm sorry you have to know what it feels like. I hope you get your sticky bfp soon!

[okiliz]

Thank you !! I am much better today ... I go in to see my RE tomorrow and to see how and if my follies are grwoing... I am praying for 3... or 4... and then hopefully an IUI next week .