Rough night

MeganMomof5 · #1 October 7th, 2010, 08:57 PM

October 7, 2009 Is the day that my life changed...I went into my doctor's appointment only to find out my baby was dead....I haven't been the same since...It's changed everything about me.

I've been pretty busy today, and haven't had any alone time...I started to cry earlier today and had to stop myself because I knew I wouldn't stop.

I remember the night last year, after my doctor's appointment and my ultrasound to confirm the awful news..after the kids were in bed and I was alone, I just sat in my room in the dark holding Ella's things and cried and cried till I didn't think I could cry anymore...I don't think I ever cried that much at one time...I took a sleeping pill, but I still woke up during the night and cried some more...I felt like I couldn't go on living...I felt like the world should stop, and I hated seeing everyone go on like nothing had happened...After the shock wore off, I just felt numb...I couldn't wait for the day when I would feel normal again, and here I am a year later still feeling horrible...I miss my baby still so very much, and she's always on my mind...I seriously don't think there's ever a minute that I don't think of her...She's consumed my thoughts for a year now...I have learned to keep my thoughts to myself, and not let people know how i'm feeling or what i'm thinking...I wonder in a year from now, when i'm coming up on Ella's 2nd birthday, how i'm going to feel?

Any way, I just needed somewhere to talk about this...I can just remember like it was yesterday, and it's so hard to believe that it's already been a year...the worst year of my life

okiliz · #2 October 7th, 2010, 09:06 PM

I am so sorry hon . Nothing I can say or anyone really can say will make it better .. but here is a hug.. I don't really know you but I hope it helps.. It has only been 4 months for me and I miss my boys like nothing else.. They will always be on my mind and in my heart .. Even when I have another.. I know their due date will be hard, I can only imagine how hard it will be when I reach the one year mark.. You are strong and brave and will make it through this .. Thats what I tell myself too.. I have to think that.. So I can move forward with trying again.. Hugs and good luck !!

Celena · #3 October 7th, 2010, 09:20 PM

Megan I'm so so so sorry

I'm glad you're able to release some of your emotions out here.... wish it wasn't such a rough day for you tho honey!

Is there anything I can do for you?

MeganMomof5 · #4 October 7th, 2010, 09:25 PM

thanks for your support...I just needed somewhere to talk about it

I haven't really brought it up to anyone today...Everyone's forgot...I just need to make it through her birthday in a week...On her birthday i'm actually going to a service for baby's lost before 20 weeks, and the baby I lost in April is there

It's going to be so hard...I feel like I never had any closure on that loss.

I was also looking at old posts because I couldn't remember when I first posted here...I hate seeing so many of the same people still without their rainbow baby

It's so sad.

Halfbaked · #5 October 7th, 2010, 10:03 PM

I wish I could give you a hug in real life, or at least a shoulder to cry on.
I don't have any wise words of advice, just wanted to let you know we all care about you and will be here for you.

msshamis23 · #6 October 7th, 2010, 10:30 PM

I'm so sorry Megan. I have no true words to express how my heart is hurting for you as well. Unfortunately I'm really bad at advice, but I am good at listening, and providing a cyber shoulder to cry on. I'm/we're here for you anytime you need us.

We love you Megan.

*hugs*

TTCin2010 · #7 October 8th, 2010, 04:31 AM

I am so sorry. Hugs

.:Shortcake:. · #8 October 8th, 2010, 04:54 AM

HUGS Megan! I know it's hard but remember to smile because your angel is watching you. And even though we can't seem them our angels are always with us.

sarha81 · #9 October 8th, 2010, 06:41 AM

((HUGS)) I'm so sorry for your pain. It isn't fair that you are suffering.

Pitridge · #10 October 8th, 2010, 08:00 AM

I'm so sorry.....I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering you are going through, I wish I could be there with you and cry with you. Sending you lots of

~LaurenNoel~ · #11 October 8th, 2010, 08:56 AM

SkyBaby · #12 October 8th, 2010, 09:15 AM

I know there aren't words for how you feel. I just wanted to tell you I'm here. If you need anyone to talk to, just drop me a PM whenever you want.

Joanna1127 · #13 October 8th, 2010, 07:46 PM

I wish I had words to tell you to take away all this pain.

Please just know that I am thinking of you and all our angel babies.

hugs!

momof6lopez · #14 October 8th, 2010, 08:14 PM

Megan I just wanted to say Im thinking about you and your beautiful little girl, Ella Grace and your sweet pea. There is no way I can say I know your kind of pain, but in my worst nightmares......it still does not come close. Your always on my mind, and I just wanted to reach out and let you know that.

MeganMomof5 · #15 October 8th, 2010, 09:49 PM

Thank you, that means so much to me

My goal is to stay positive, but it's really so hard...I hope that once her birthday passes that things will improve again...My next pregnancy loss support group meeting is monday, so I hope that helps...I also just want this month to pass so I can get my tests done and start TTC.