[SkyBaby]

I'm still having such opposite emotions running through me every time I see my family's and friend's new babies and pregnancy announcements. I'm so happy and I want to see their pictures, but at the same time, I don't. I'm happy for them, and sad for me. Over the last couple days, I un-hid all the facebook status updates of my expecting friends/family. My in-laws think I'm crazy for even hiding it in the first place. I'm glad they don't get it, because if they truly understood and new my feelings, that would mean they would have had a loss, too.

My mom and I have never been super close, but she is the only one in my family who really understands how I feel. My mom had 3 early losses. We are connecting so much right now. It's wonderful. My dad understands, too. They both understand why I had to.

I don't know why, but a few minutes ago, I was looking at pictures of my husband's cousin's new baby and I couldn't hardly look for more than a few seconds. I turned my laptop over so DH could see the pictures and he just smiled and looked happy for them. It's like he forgot. He's always telling me he lost a baby too. He did. I know how much he grieved, but he's so much more at peace with it now. Like it's nothing more than a bad memory.

I almost want to be done with the pain and move on and be as ok with it as DH is. I'm kinda jealous and not at the same time. If I moved on, that would be disrespecting our Angel. I don't even know if all that made sense. Probably isn't a healthy mindset to be in, but that's how I feel.

Looks like I'm back to avoiding myspace/facebook for a while again and having to make excuses when people start asking questions.

I want to look and see their children, but at the same time I don't. I was having a perfectly wonderful day until I glanced at my facebook and saw the thumbnails in the news feed. Happiness, sadness, and jealousy all hit me at exactly the same moment and so powerfully I had to leave facebook for a while after showing DH those pictures.

Here, at ttcal, is my safe haven. I can always count on you ladies for love and support. I know that when there's a bfp announced on here, I'm nothing but happy for you ladies. We all understand where one another is coming from. That gives me so much comfort.

If you got this far, God bless you and thanks for reading.

[ohnicole]

I'm sorry that you have so many reminders of your loss in your life right now, honey

I do the same thing as you... the other night there was a cable commercial where a pregnant lady keeps moving all around the house to try to get comfortable. That commercial always makes me sad, and makes me think of what we've lost. I looked at DH, and he was just smiling, like, oh look at the cute commercial. I tell myself that he has more hope for the future than I do and that's why things don't affect him the same way.

It's just hard, and we definitely understand. We're here when you need us!

[Celena]

I'm sorry that you have to endure all of this... you do sound far better than when I've first met you Kira. You've come so far in your healing process altho we both know that it's never totally over. This is a huge milestone altho you may feel it's a small one, think back to where you were and where you now are honey you're doing so great! I'm glad to hear the steps you've been able to take.

Your DH may seem that he's so at peace with it, it may very well bother him everyday in ways you may not see nor understand. He didn't have that instant bond because the LO wasn't growing inside of him, so it's going to be quiet different as far as the healing process and the grieving you both go thru. There's some articles in the Info Spot about the differences that might make some sense of it.

However the end all be all, you're doing SO SO SO MUCH BETTER than ever Kira

[SkyBaby]

Originally Posted by ohnicole

I'm sorry that you have so many reminders of your loss in your life right now, honey

I do the same thing as you... the other night there was a cable commercial where a pregnant lady keeps moving all around the house to try to get comfortable. That commercial always makes me sad, and makes me think of what we've lost. I looked at DH, and he was just smiling, like, oh look at the cute commercial. I tell myself that he has more hope for the future than I do and that's why things don't affect him the same way.

It's just hard, and we definitely understand. We're here when you need us!

It is hard. I feel like I have to muster up the courage to not break down at work every day almost. I take a deep breath and just get in there and do it. I do a good enough job blocking it at work that when I'm home, my poor hubby gets the brunt of my emotional outbursts at the end of the day. He's at least patient enough to let me cry it out when I need to.

Originally Posted by Celena

I'm sorry that you have to endure all of this... you do sound far better than when I've first met you Kira. You've come so far in your healing process altho we both know that it's never totally over. This is a huge milestone altho you may feel it's a small one, think back to where you were and where you now are honey you're doing so great! I'm glad to hear the steps you've been able to take.

Your DH may seem that he's so at peace with it, it may very well bother him everyday in ways you may not see nor understand. He didn't have that instant bond because the LO wasn't growing inside of him, so it's going to be quiet different as far as the healing process and the grieving you both go thru. There's some articles in the Info Spot about the differences that might make some sense of it.

However the end all be all, you're doing SO SO SO MUCH BETTER than ever Kira

Thanks for pointing that out, Celena. You're absolutely right. Not that long ago, I couldn't see pictures or babies without being near tears and being more sad and jealous than happy for the mom. Now, it's the opposite. I'm sad for me, but more than that, happy for them.

I am doing better. I suppose it's an ongoing thing that will never be completely healed from. Every day, gets easier in some ways and harder in others. Easier in the grief side of things, harder in the fact that every day we don't have a baby makes me want one all the more. I suppose I'll just love our future baby extra when we do have one.

Long story short, you're right, I am doing better. I can handle this. I need to cling to whatever sanity I have left so I'm at least half sane by the time we do have a baby.

[Joanna1127]

I can relate to how you feel. I have a lot of friends and my sil who are pregnant now. its very hard at times. I want to be happy for them all and one side of me is, but then there's another side that just longs to be pregnant and growing that sweet baby inside of me.

I'm sending you big hugs! Please vent whenever, I can totally relate to you.