[JesSsica]

Looking at the beautiful pictures of u/s and candles got me thinking... I kept nothing. When I got pregnant the 1st time I had a few + HPT's and then my 1st u/s (my 12 week) was bad news. I didn't ask for a picture. I got home and cried and threw away all of my HPT's and all of the baby pamphlets from the doctor.

My second loss I took WAY too many HPT's and I had them all in a drawer. When I lost that one I threw them all away. It was too hard to look at.

My third pregnancy I had a few pictures of my 8 week u/s, my HPT's and my booklets from the doctor all in a box. After my D&C I threw everything away again. I was so, so mad.

Each time I was in a moment of anger and sadness and filled with the inability to even look at what should have been and wasn't going to be. I wonder now if that makes me cold.

To this day I know I couldn't look at those things. I don't regret not keeping things but I wonder if it's abnormal that I didn't. For me the reminder kills me and I'm much better when I compartmentalize it and put things out of my mind. I'm really feeling like that's really mean of me to not want to remember.

I guess I'm just wondering if that's just me................................................ .....

[Brittanie]

I don't think it's wrong or abnormal. Everyone deals in their own way. To have something to constantly look may help some, but it also hurts so it doesn't abnormal to me to not want to look at it at all. My husband I think avoids looking at the wall Cora's shelf is on, because I think he'd rather just not see it. I don't think there is any one right or wrong way to do things when it comes to your own grief.

[Halfbaked]

I did the same thing. I had about 10 tests that all ended up in the trash. I didn't ask for a picture at the u/s either. I have one test from my mc at 8wks because it was in the back and I didn't see it. That's it. I don't even have pictures or tests from my other 2 miscarriages. They were so early that I don't even really think of them as miscarriages. No one else even acknowledges that I was pg so I just try not to dig up the past and concentrate on the future. I still morn, but it's just for me. If I had constant reminders all the time, I don't think I'd be able to get through the day.

[ohnicole]

I think it's totally normal. We all have to get through it however we can. And I definitely understand the power of that anger that can come over you. Please don't feel guilty on top of your grief

[luvmykids623]

I don't think it's abnormal at all! With my first loss I threw out all of my pregnancy tests and never got an u/s pic because it was over by my first u/s. With my second loss I didn't get far enough for an u/s, and I threw out all the pregnancy tests. I did find a few pics of the digi on my computer, but that was way after the loss, so it's still there I just don't look at it. With this baby I had 4 u/s and I have pics. I also have a bag of about 50 hpts in my bathroom closet. I haven't thrown anything out yet. I will throw out the bag of hpts, but I can't look at them right now. I've fought the urge to throw out the u/s pics and delete all of the pics of the hpts and all the scanned copies of the u/s pics more times than I can count. I can't look at them, and part of me just wants them gone. The other part is pretty sure that down the road I will want them. So for now I'm fighting the urge, but who knows, the urge may win. I think it's completely normal to feel what you're feeling... what we're all feeling.

[Joanna1127]

I dont think there is any right or wrong way to deal with your loss. For me, I'm a freak about saving momentos. I probably save way too much! I actually did throw out a couple of my hpt's that I took. I did however save a couple too, and have my u/s pics, hospital bracelet from my d&c, and a folder of info the hospital gave me about the loss of a baby. I like knowing that I have these things to look back on when I'm ready, but have had to put them away for the time being.

[ldovey83]

I don't think it is abnormal.. We all have different ways of grieving and dealing with our emotions, and so we all approach it differently.. If throwing them out helps you then don't feel bad about it.. You will never forget your angel babies.. I have tossed in my head back and forth about throwing my tests out, but I just can't get myself to do it.. They are a part of my life... HUGS hun

[TTCin2010]

Everyone deals with things in a different manner. I kept my US pic, and have it framed. I also kept some paper work that I got from the hospital. For me it helps me validate that my bean was a part of me, and it was alive. Since others dont seem to understand (those who have been there)

[JesSsica]

Thanks for your input girls. Joanna, I'm the same way, I keep everything. I have WAY too many keepsakes and pictures of my kids but in this situation I couldn't keep a thing. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that didn't save things. Typically I do but I guess out of sight- out of mind. Who knows....

[Justjessie]

I'm a semi hoarder. I kept everything and tortured myself looking at it and still do. Even after having Jessica...I still hurt about the one I lost.

I start a memory box the second I get pregnant. So there was my O chart, the BFPs, a picture taken of Keith and I with his hands around my belly...and my pregnancy journal.

I wish I had asked for the u/s pic...but I couldn't even get the words out without crying.

For Christmas, I'm going to buy an ornament for the tree for that baby. Everyone has an ornament, even Jessica has one (someone got us one for our baby shower). So the baby gets one, too.

Someone ( a stranger) told me yesterday that when the baby smiles in her sleep, an angel is talking to her. I hate old superstitious ladies...but everytime Jessica smiled in her sleep yesterday I took comfort in knowing that our angel baby was probably telling her jokes with swear words.

I miss you...how's things?

[.:Shortcake:.]

I kept everything except my + HPT and that DH threw at the wall when we go home from the hospital with our first loss. I remember him throwing it and then breaking down

[ashj_1218]

I am like you...I kept NOTHING...and can't say I regret it. I think I will remember that day in the ultrasound room for the rest of my life. I didn't want to (and still don't) keep anything to remind me of what I lost. They asked if I wanted a picture, I said no. I am sure they have it on file if I change my mind, she printed one before she couldn't find the heartbeat. I generally don't save HPT's anyway. I deleted all my 'start' pictures from each of the ones we lost and I don't have anything solid to let me know they were there. But that is fine with me, I almost prefer to not have any mementos. The ones in my head are bad enough. But I am that kind of person. So it didn't surprise me that I didn't want anything kept.

[Pitridge]

I think it's normal, I did not keep anything from the m/c either. The doctor did not give a picture and of course I did not ask for one.

[JesSsica]

Angela, I miss you too! We don't share a board anymore!

Things with me are fine. In a nutshell I work a lot, the kids are great, stinkers but great, and I'm finally losing the weight I gained during my pregnancy/loss era. I'm down 15lbs and have about 11 more to go to get to my pre-pregnancy weight. At that point I will have gone full circle. I have my 20 year class reunion next summer so I WILL be comfortable with myself at that point. LOL

We're still on the fence about TTC vs. not TTC again and it's driving me batty! We have to sell my house before we will even think about it but Pat is leaning towards not trying again. I'm ok with that on the days that the kids are gone, Pat's busy, and I'm all by myself shopping and having a leisurely afternoon with coffee. LOL Other days then I want to be pregnant again really bad. Who knows.

My life could be very different either of the directions we choose. Who knows.

I've been following you on Facebook and the Sept play group here and you seem to be doing great! Your little Jessica is beautiful and your family seems to be adjusting well... well other than the whole no-sleeping thing. LOL Par for the course. You'll just have to try to get pregnant again if we ever decide to TTC again so we can share a board again! hahahahaha