The blame game (loss ment) vent

Halfbaked · #1 October 21st, 2010, 01:59 PM

I feel just awful today. I've been crying all day long and getting nothing done. DH and I had a fight last night because he bought yet another expensive thing that we don't need. When I told him I just got some of the medical bills and we needed to figure out how to pay them, he told me it was all my fault. He said that I'm the one with all the medical problems and I'm the one we have to keep paying for. He then told me it was my fault that our DD has diabetes too and that if it weren't for all my medical problems, we'd be rich.

I just couldn't even respond. I just went in the bedroom and locked the door. I'm trying not to say he's right, but he is. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I would give anything to just be healthy, to be normal, but I'm the one that's broken. I'm the one that can't stay pregnant. I'm the one that has caused all my kids to be early. I'm the one that has passed this horrible disease onto my dd and I'm the one that can't make it from one day to the next feeling normal.

shen7 · #2 October 21st, 2010, 02:12 PM

Rebecca.........

We are all given challenges in life... You have some health challenges and the pain of your very recent loss. But look at your 6 wonderful children - you overcame your diabetes to make them, that is a wonderful success!!! And as for the money, there are many things in life more important than money and toys. I hope that when your husband is in a more loving mood, he will see this too.

I am so sorry that your husband said such awful things to you... That is all sorts of wrong. I will be sending T&P for you to repair your relationship and the hurt you have... And for your rainbow baby when you're ready...

ohnicole · #3 October 21st, 2010, 02:13 PM

Rebecca, NO, I will not allow you to listen to that garbage!!!!

That really hits a nerve with me, because my BIL used to say things like that to my sister because of her heart condition. He would tell her she was ruining their lives because they couldn't go hiking or do any of the things he wanted to do because of her health problems. She would be so upset, and cry, and you know what?

IT IS NOT OK FOR PEOPLE TO SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!!!! I don't care if they're upset about something else or what, but IT IS NOT OK. It is not your fault. Your DH married you because he loves you and because he wanted a life with you... he doesn't get to treat you like that!!!!

Be mad or sad or upset that he treated you like that, honey, but do not be mad at yourself or blame yourself. He is being a jerk!

Pitridge · #4 October 21st, 2010, 02:35 PM

I agree, you don't need to listen to that garbage, because that's what it is, garbage.
IT IS NOT OK FOR PEOPLE TO TALK TO YOU LIKE THAT.
It sounds like he is upset about something, and he's taking it out on you, and that's not ok, it's ok to say those things to you about your dd, it's not like you planned it that way. YOU ARE NOT BROKEN! You are normal, like any of us.

Brittanie · #5 October 21st, 2010, 03:14 PM

I agree with the other ladies. That was very wrong of him. You didn't get sick to spite him or to make him poor. And am I right in assuming you were diabetic when you got married? You couldn't have known that would cause the prematurity of your kids, but if my assumption is right, then when he married you he accepted the medical condition too.

He's being selfish. He is supposed to provide for his family's needs above his wants. And it is not right for him to abuse you like that. Making you feel guilty for his actions is abuse. He's supposed to love and cherish and protect you and in saying those things he's doing the opposite.

He's probably processing the losses himself, but spending buying toys with money that should be spent elsewhere and being mean to you is not a way to do that.

TTCin2010 · #6 October 21st, 2010, 03:28 PM

I am so sorry your husband is being a butt. I agree with all of the other ladies. He married you for richer for poorer for sickness and health. He may be upset , but that does not mean he can abuse you by talking to you like that. I hope you two are able to work it out, and get passed this

sexypepsi25 · #7 October 21st, 2010, 03:46 PM

The other ladies have said it very well. But I like to add that he did say for better or worse, sickness and health when you guys got married. Never let him make you feel like your to blame. I hope that tommorow is a bit easier for you!

ashj_1218 · #8 October 21st, 2010, 03:48 PM

That is just cruel. You are NOT broken. No one knows what life will throw them, you got this. He might not have gotten his curve ball yet. We all have issues, we all have weaknesses. I, for one, would be grateful that at least whatever medical issues you have are MANAGABLE and already discovered. You may have diabetes, you may have genetically passed that down to your daughter. What might he have passed down that he doesn't know about yet? The tendency to explode when angry? The tendency to say hurtful things to a wife? I would not accept that behavior from him. He doesn't get to cut you down to justify himself. If this has happened before, I honestly would talk to him about counseling (I know, no one likes that word, but it really, really helps!). That is going to whittle away your respect and trust, and then where would you be?

You have all of my hugs and support this evening. I am so sorry you are "dealing" with this on top of everything else

luvmykids623 · #9 October 21st, 2010, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brittanie

He's being selfish. He is supposed to provide for his family's needs above his wants. And it is not right for him to abuse you like that. Making you feel guilty for his actions is abuse. He's supposed to love and cherish and protect you and in saying those things he's doing the opposite.

I completely agree!! I'm sorry he said those incredibly hurtful things. No matter what he says THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!

tobi4 · #10 October 21st, 2010, 04:06 PM

Rebecca, I am so sorry your husband said those things to you, in such a hurtful way. I agree with all of our other ladies here. He should not be allowed to speak like that to you. Nothing is gained by it, the only thing it accomplishes is to tear you down. And right after your recent loss, it is intolerable. I wonder if he has ever considered how very 'rich' his life is, as a result of having you and your beautiful children. Maybe he really needs to look at his priorities, to remember whats important.
At the same time, we can become quite overwhelmed by our losses and ttc. Maybe his way of dealing with some things is to buy himself something. Kind of like when I get my next af Im going to get my hair coloured. Just to do something for myself. Im not saying this in any way excuses his behaviour, because nothing will do that. Just maybe once everything cools down, you guys can have a conversation about it. ~hugs~ Im so sorry hun. You have every right to be hurt and angry and everything else you are feeling right now. Except to blame. You aren't.

missy123 · #11 October 21st, 2010, 04:42 PM

I am so sorry that he said those things to you! He needs to be slapped upside the head and woken up
Seriously, he has no right to speak to you like that. I get migraine headaches (like 2 a week) and I have to go to the Dr. and it gets expensive and if my husband ever said anything as hurtful as he did to you I would walk out the door.

I hope you two can sit down and talk about this and he realizes what he said to you and what it did to you. I am sorry, you are special and not broken. ((Hugs))

mmllhh · #12 October 21st, 2010, 04:47 PM

umm...you need to kick his butt...so, his mindset is you get to be sick and he gets expensive things? that's equal in his head?

MeganMomof5 · #13 October 21st, 2010, 07:50 PM

(((Hugs))) I agree with everyone else...He shouldn't of said any of that too you! that's just uncalled for...Please don't blame yourself...You have no control over things like that...I wish I knew what else to say, but I think everyone has already covered it! We are all here for you any time you need to talk!