[Brittanie]

When I was in college in 2001 I spent the majority of my 2nd semester mostly anorexic. I had a roommate that forced me to eat dinner with her and I usually ate about half of it and that was the only thing I ate all day. I had body issues long before that, but that tied with the major depression I was experiencing it spiraled out of control (it didn't help that I had another roommate who was anorexic and I was watching her lose weight by the second, but my thyroid disorder tied with my metabolism going into survival mode I didn't really lose that much weight).

I did spend that semester going to the counseling center once a week and while we got a lot of the anxiety and depression under control [although that didn't really happen until I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism almost 2 years later and put on meds], we hardly touched the food thing. But...I did start eating again, but sort of tipped the other way and now I eat under stress instead of the other way around.

ANYWAY, fast forward to when I was pregnant with Cora. At one point I lost 11lbs in 8 days or so from being so sick, and had a terrifying moment when I stepped on the scale and thought "wow, this really works."


Anyway, I've been really frustrated lately, not losing anything (although, in reality, I'm not doing much to actually lose so it's my fault), and thought to myself "Well, when I get pregnant I'll lose some."



I'm scared ladies, I really am. If I'm this on edge now, what's it going to be like when I'm actually pregnant and getting fatter? Ugh. I wish I could afford to actually go into therapy again.

[ldovey83]

Brittanie wow I could've like wrote the same thing.. Literally.. I wasn't that bad though. I skipped meals and didn't eat much so that I would stay tiny.. Now that I am married and have had Elijah I have put on the weight.. I want to loose weight and I will do good with the excercise one time, and then I am sore from the work out and I skip a few days and then I have to get motivated again.. Then I think well if I get pregnant I will just gain it again.. So I totally understand..

[Joanna1127]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I used to be a whole lot thinner and even when I had my daughter I only gained 23 pounds. When the next one comes along, I'm already starting at just about where I was 9 months pregnant before. Stress does nothing besides make me want to eat everything in sight.

Its hard!

[ohnicole]

I'm sorry that this is something you have to struggle with, Brittanie It's so good, though, that you are aware of it, and I know that you are strong enough to keep an eye on yourself and ask for help if you need it. Your insurance doesn't cover any mental health visits?

[missy123]

I am sorry that you went/are going through all of that. Can I say that I think you are beautiful and sexy? Does a few extra pounds change the incredibly patient and loving person that you are? I don't think what I said will help you at all, I just wanted you to know I think you are a very special person.

[luvmykids623]

I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a problem with anorexia from the time I was 12. It started out small, just exercising to lose weight. By the time I was a junior in high school it was out of control. I wouldn't eat more than 500 calories a day, I trained and played softball all afternoon for the high school team and then would come home and run a minimum of 3 miles a night, do at least 300 sit ups/crunches, crazy amounts of leg lifts and other types of exercises I could do in the house after everyone went to bed. It was bad, and the only reason I'm still alive is because of DH. He's the one that made me face the fact that I had a problem... and a big one. My mom is in denial to this day. She calls those "my fat free years," but won't acknowledge the fact that I had an eating disorder. I'm much better than I was back then, but I still have those thoughts and tendencies. I have VERY poor body image and see fat EVERYWHERE. It's not like I'm doing much to try and get rid of the extra pounds from the kids, because I'm afraid I'll go too far again. When I was pregnant with this last baby I lost 5 pounds because I was so sick and didn't want to eat. It surprised me, because I never lost weight with any of my other pregnancies, but I got an odd satisfaction from it that scared me. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It's such a hard thing to deal with.

[Brittanie]

Thanks ladies. It's just kind of exploding out of me tonight. I think I'm going to reappropriate an old blog to just get it all out.

[Brittanie]

Okay, here's my long blog post, some of it is what I already posted. *sigh*

The Food Diaries: Reappropriating this blog.

[ashj_1218]

Therapy sounds like a good idea. There should be free or pro-rated clinics around you to help you out. Having thoughts like that certainly puts you on the line of having 'disordered eating'...as many of the women here have described. It can be a serious thing when it gets out of control. When you start thinking something like "I can lose weight when I am pregnant," it is something that needs to be addressed before getting pregnant. I know you would never do anything to put the life of your child in jeopardy, but you also should not have to deal with that emotionally when you are pregnant. That takes away some of the joy.

But can I say without insulting anyone or "making light of the problems"...an eating disorder is not something you have for a semester or a couple years and then just goes away. A diagnosable eating disorder is something incredibly life-threatening and NEEDS intense treatment to be put into recovery. It is not something that pops up and goes away. You don't just "start eating" or "stop working out." It doesn't stop happening after meeting a spouse, getting pregnant, or with help from a supportive friend. A true "eating disorder" (diagnosable) requires years spent in therapy and treatment centers. I am not trying to be rude, or even say that any of the ladies on here are not diagnosable (I would venture to say at least one would be), but the actual term anorexia nervosa is a disease that consumes the sufferer and is life threatening in 50% of cases. It is THE MOST DEADLY mental disorder known, having a fatality rate of 20%. That is two out of ten sufferers die. Another five are in and out of treatment centers (aka: hospitals) their entire lives. That leaves THREE out of ten diagnosable cases as maintaining recovery or going for years without needing hospitalization. It hits very, very close to home in my family and I do feel insulted when it is minimized.

Okay...rant over. You found my "hot spot." Sorry if anyone is insulted. It was not my intention to do so. I just wanted to share some education and note that anorexia nervosa is a serious and deadly disorder.

[Brittanie]

Originally Posted by ashj_1218

Therapy sounds like a good idea. There should be free or pro-rated clinics around you to help you out. Having thoughts like that certainly puts you on the line of having 'disordered eating'...as many of the women here have described. It can be a serious thing when it gets out of control. When you start thinking something like "I can lose weight when I am pregnant," it is something that needs to be addressed before getting pregnant. I know you would never do anything to put the life of your child in jeopardy, but you also should not have to deal with that emotionally when you are pregnant. That takes away some of the joy.

But can I say without insulting anyone or "making light of the problems"...an eating disorder is not something you have for a semester or a couple years and then just goes away. A diagnosable eating disorder is something incredibly life-threatening and NEEDS intense treatment to be put into recovery. It is not something that pops up and goes away. You don't just "start eating" or "stop working out." It doesn't stop happening after meeting a spouse, getting pregnant, or with help from a supportive friend. A true "eating disorder" (diagnosable) requires years spent in therapy and treatment centers. I am not trying to be rude, or even say that any of the ladies on here are not diagnosable (I would venture to say at least one would be), but the actual term anorexia nervosa is a disease that consumes the sufferer and is life threatening in 50% of cases. It is THE MOST DEADLY mental disorder known, having a fatality rate of 20%. That is two out of ten sufferers die. Another five are in and out of treatment centers (aka: hospitals) their entire lives. That leaves THREE out of ten diagnosable cases as maintaining recovery or going for years without needing hospitalization. It hits very, very close to home in my family and I do feel insulted when it is minimized.

Okay...rant over. You found my "hot spot." Sorry if anyone is insulted. It was not my intention to do so. I just wanted to share some education and note that anorexia nervosa is a serious and deadly disorder.

I know. I studied psychology in college. I was told by my therapist I was borderline, and honestly, without my roommate it may have become diagnosable (my other roommate who was anorexic moved in after coming home early from a clinic treating her anorexia. I don't know what happened to her, but I worry some days). But it hasn't gone away. The demon is still there. I have enough control to not let it take over. So no, I'm not as sick as most. I used the term to describe my actions at the time. But it's definitely not gone, and lately it's been a daily struggle. But luckily my stubbornness has won out so far.

[ashj_1218]

I am so glad that you were not using the term lightly. I did not mean to imply that you were, but I do find (as you probably do as well) that people tend to walk around talking about it as though it were a stage or a fad they went through. When we both know that it is nothing like that. Dealing with those thoughts on a daily basis is a horrible thing to have to do.

I sincerely hope that your former roommate is still alive and well. Perhaps she was one of the statistics who made it with flying colors. You certainly have discovered ways to deal with it so it doesn't affect your life. And for that, I commend you. Have you checked locally to see if your health department offers any free counseling. Also, how would you feel about an addiction student helping you out? If you have a college close by, I know that counseling students might offer supervised counseling (like with their mentor supervising) for a seriously reduced cost. Do you have any support groups nearby?? If you live in a big city, they might have support groups running if you check. Some of them are dangerous, but some might have a good number of recovering patients and might offer you some support that you need.

Again, I did not mean to jump all over you or imply your issues in college were not as important as they were/are. I do just run into a lot of people, especially young 20s, who think it is a status thing or a little game they played in college (my brother's fiancee included) and that is hard for me to tolerate. I do respect someone who is aware of just what it entails and does what they can to keep it in check. Kudos to you for being super-aware

[Brittanie]

I've never looked around for counseling in this area. I should, but my stubbornness that is in my benefit in one instance also I think gives me an "I can deal with this on my own" complex. Even right now I'm telling myself I can work it out on my own. I'll have to check around, just to see what's available.

[ashj_1218]

You absoutely "can" deal with it on your own. But I know from experience that it is much easier being able to unload on someone else. Stubborness sorta goes with the territory, which is a great attribute, but you might find that just talking to someone about those thoughts makes them less threatening. Just being accountable can help too.

[luvmykids623]

Originally Posted by ashj_1218

Therapy sounds like a good idea. There should be free or pro-rated clinics around you to help you out. Having thoughts like that certainly puts you on the line of having 'disordered eating'...as many of the women here have described. It can be a serious thing when it gets out of control. When you start thinking something like "I can lose weight when I am pregnant," it is something that needs to be addressed before getting pregnant. I know you would never do anything to put the life of your child in jeopardy, but you also should not have to deal with that emotionally when you are pregnant. That takes away some of the joy.

But can I say without insulting anyone or "making light of the problems"...an eating disorder is not something you have for a semester or a couple years and then just goes away. A diagnosable eating disorder is something incredibly life-threatening and NEEDS intense treatment to be put into recovery. It is not something that pops up and goes away. You don't just "start eating" or "stop working out." It doesn't stop happening after meeting a spouse, getting pregnant, or with help from a supportive friend. A true "eating disorder" (diagnosable) requires years spent in therapy and treatment centers. I am not trying to be rude, or even say that any of the ladies on here are not diagnosable (I would venture to say at least one would be), but the actual term anorexia nervosa is a disease that consumes the sufferer and is life threatening in 50% of cases. It is THE MOST DEADLY mental disorder known, having a fatality rate of 20%. That is two out of ten sufferers die. Another five are in and out of treatment centers (aka: hospitals) their entire lives. That leaves THREE out of ten diagnosable cases as maintaining recovery or going for years without needing hospitalization. It hits very, very close to home in my family and I do feel insulted when it is minimized.

Okay...rant over. You found my "hot spot." Sorry if anyone is insulted. It was not my intention to do so. I just wanted to share some education and note that anorexia nervosa is a serious and deadly disorder.

I'm guessing the highlighted part is in response to me saying that DH is the one who helped me realize that I had a problem. I could be wrong, but I felt the need to explain further, because you hit my "hot spot." My anorexia did not stop when I met DH. I met him when I was 13. We started dating when I was 16, when I was years into it and was headed for my most intense period. I was able to hide it from him for a while, but the more time we spent together and the closer we got the more he realized that something was very wrong. He tried to convince my mom that this was a serious problem and not just a "fat free" phase, but she would not listen. It took him until the beginning of my freshman year in college to convince me that I had to get help. By then I had gone from 120 pounds at the start of this years before to 87 pounds when I finally sought help. I had brown spots on my teeth from vitamin deficiencies, heart issues from the strain on my heart, many other health problems from years of starving myself, and the calipers they use to calculate BMI had nothing to grab onto. Some of us don't have treatment centers as an option, so crisis center counselors and psychologists had to do. I was diagnosed as having anorexia, and came to realize with intensive therapy that the root of my problem, like many anorexics, is control. My father was/is an abusive drunk and my mother is an enabler. Watching all those years of not being able to help her leave him propelled me to the only thing I could control in a world that was in constant turmoil- the food that went into my mouth. I was in counseling for years. I still consider myself in recovery, and probably always will. Even though I'm able to control it myself these days, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about going back to my old ways. Being pregnant was extremely difficult. I knew that the weight gain was for a good cause. In the beginning my doctor would tell me how much I gained, until I was 4 months and gained 9 pounds from my last appt. It was then that I had to make a deal that I would close my eyes when they were weighing me, and they wouldn't talk to me about weight gain unless there was some sort of concern. After that I was able to deal with my feelings better, because I knew I was gaining but I didn't have numbers. Like I said, I've accepted that this will be a life long journey, and am praying not to stray to the dark side again. It's a fine line that people like me walk, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.