[JesSsica]

If you don't mind I feel like reliving my sad, sad weekend, a year ago this weekend, just so I can get it out of my system and move on and stop fixating on the fact that I'm one year out. No one IRL wants to hear the gory details of a loss but you guys can empathize and I just feel like telling the story. I'm sorry...............................

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Last year today I was so excited because it was Wednesday night and I was going to have a nice, long weekend home with the kids. Thursday was conferences and no school and Friday was a fall recess day off of school. I intentionally set up my 12 week u/s for Thursday morning so the kids could come with Pat and I to see their new brother or sister.

I was over the moon excited when I went to bed that night and really excited because I was just about to my second trimester.

The morning was a blur. I remember that it went smoothy though. THis pregnancy was a total surprise and we were both still adjusting to the idea of life with baby. I kept teasing Pat that he was 45 and going to be a first time dad when his friends were sending their kids off to college! I asked him if he was excited and he said with a smile, "I'm getting there." He told me that it would seem more real once he saw the baby because at that point a line on a test was his only proof that he was going to be a dad.

Fast forward to the u/s room-- it was dark and they had a nice tv mounted to the wall so the tech could see what she was doing with her own little tv and we could see a full view of the little baby up on the wall. She quickly found the baby and then began zipping from one ovary to the other and measuring this, that, and the other thing. I remember thinking, "Weird, usually they show you the baby first and get all excited with you and then do the boring stuff".

She panned in on the baby and it was perfect but I saw "10 weeks 2 days" and "10 weeks one day" next to a couple of the measurements. I was 12 weeks and I began to get worried. I had been looking at lots and lots of u/s on Youtube so I knew what our little one should look like. I remember thinking that this baby looked a little small without the details that I thought it should have by 12 weeks.

She panned in on the heart and the screen turned red where the "whoosh whoosh whoosh" would show up with sound and a graph on the screen.... nothing. I knew. I knew and I wanted to jump up off of the table but I was frozen. My kids were there with me watching the screen and waiting to hear all about their new baby.

I looked at the tech and she was stone faced and racing the u/s all over my belly. She zeroed in on the baby again and one of the kids said, "Look, I see the eyes!" You could. She panned away really quickly and as she pulled away the screen zipped past lots of little body parts, and a perfect little hand was on the screen like it was waving at us. THe kids were excited and said, "Fingers! The baby is waving at us!"

The tech said, "Let me go get the doctor in here to review your scan" and she quickly left the room. I looked at Pat and my eyes welled up with tears. I said, "Something is very, very wrong. There was no heartbeat". He has absolutely NO idea what an u/s should look like and he just said, "You don't know that". I did though.

The doctor came in and did the quickest scan of my belly and his face went serious. He just looked at us and said, "I'm so sorry but your baby only measures 10 weeks and there is no heartbeat. Your baby has died". He talked and was so sweet and apologetic and even told me about how he did a scan on his own daughter on Christmas Eve so she could show everyone the pictures and the same thing happened to her.

I just started crying. I cried and cried as quietly as I could because my kids were in the room and I needed to be strong. Madison was on Pat's lap above my head because I was laying back and Cole had been holding my hand sitting next to me. Cole jumped up out of his chair and just threw his little 7 year old arms around me and held on to me while I quietly cried. The doctor later told me that watching Cole comfort me was probably the sweetest thing he's ever seen in his life.

I scheduled a D&C for Monday, the soonest they could get me in, and just existed that weekend. It was the worst weekend of my life. I couldn't shower and I couldn't see myself naked. I couldn't look at my swollen belly. I wore fleeces zipped all the way up even on the warmer days. The kids were home, I had to be mom and still do the Halloween things, but I just floated through it. I laid in bed when we were home and the kids took turns snuggling with me. One would lay there and watch tv with me and then the other would come in when they got up. For 7 and 8 years old they knew what I needed. WHen I was alone I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I swore I would never try to get pregnant again.

Monday brought closure. Tuesday brought moping tears. Wednesday I went back to work and shoved the memories into a tiny little compartment in my brain and thought, "This kind of thing won't happen twice so we'll just try again as soon as we can"...................................

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Thanks for reading if you did. I have no idea what the purpose of that was. I'm finished crying now and I think I'm going to put those memories away again, put on my strong face, and go kiss my kids goodnight now. *sigh*

[ohnicole]

Jessica, what a sad and heartbreaking story I wish so much that you didn't have to live with your loss and with your pain. But how amazing is it that you have raised such sweet little ones to comfort you when they see your tears

[ldovey83]

Aww Jessica.. MAny many hugs to you.. That was really sweet what Cole did.. Thanks for sharing your story with us.. Many Many hugs to you.

[tobi4]

Jessica, I think the purpose in writing it down for us to read is to confirm your baby has not been forgotten, to validate your feelings, to honour your memories, and a hundred other reasons that would be just as important.
You did a beautiful job. Hugs to you Jessica, I wish you the very best.

[MeganMomof5]

((((Hugs))))

[Justjessie]

hugs...your story is the same as mine...just different names.

[missy123]

Your story is very similar to mine... ((Hugs)) It is so hard to re-live those moments and yet to do so can be healing at the same time.

[Pitridge]

Jessica......I'm so sorry.....I'm in tears reading how sweet you kids are. Having your son give a hug on what it's probably one of the worse moments in your life it's so amazing.

[EJsMommy]

{{Hugs}}