[Crojj]

Hi. This is my first time posting on this board. Just a forewarning not to read the rest of my post if you're very sensitive to these matters, and I mean no offense to anyone. Just very upset and don't know where to turn.



I have a beautiful dd, born in 2004 after 6 months of TTC. No major problems during the pregnancy- hardly any morning sickness.

Got pregnant again a year later only to lose the pregnancy at 9 weeks. As I was bleeding, scans showed a perfect embryo, perfect heartbeat. Blood tests showed appropriate betas, yet I lost it.

Got pregnant twice more in the following 3 years, lost both at 6 weeks.

After the 3rd loss, I had testing and was found to have autoimmune issues.

I started a baby aspirin then got pregnant again a few months back, miscarriage this time at 4.5 weeks.

I started seeing a specialist who put me on a ton of drugs, got pregnant easily this month. Started out wonderfully. Betas rising beautifully. Thought everything would right itself this time, but no.

Here I am now, at 5 1/2 weeks, betas dropping precipitously, waiting for bleeding to start.

I am so heartbroken beyond words. I'm depressed beyond expression. Everywhere around me are pregnant women. My coworkers keep getting pregnant with around the same EDC as me, yet they go on and have healthy babies, and I just lag behind and think, I would have a had a child at this same time. I can't stand the sight of the supermarket magazine rack because there is always some big headline about yet another celebrity pregnancy.

No one seems to understand. People just tell me to be patient and it will happen when God wills. I believe that already, but it's not what I need to hear. I just want someone once to just acknowledge that what I am going thru is something horrible even though they don't understand it, and that I have the right to be sad and upset.

Sorry for the long post. I just have a sick empty feeling and need to vent. Thanks for listening.

[missy123]

Hi and Welcome,

I am sorry for your losses... How sad

Sounds like you are expecting too much from yourself. It is hard to be happy for others when inside you are hurting so much. We all understand how you are feeling, we have all been through it, we all know. We know that intense howling feeling in the pit of your heart that goes deeper than you ever thought. How you wish you could bring your babies back, how we wish we could hold them and rock them. And to see a magazine at the grocery store is like someone playing a game on you, to test how much more pain and how many more reminders you can withstand....

Welcome to our family, we are here for you. There is nothing you can say that we have not said and do not understand. ((Hugs))

[ohnicole]

I am so sorry for your losses

This is such a hard journey, and it makes it even worse that no one in real life understands. Missy is right- all of us here know the sadness, the anger, the jealousy, the frustration, the fear, and the hopelessness. I wish you weren't going through this, but welcome to the board.

[dreamer10]

Ditto to both ladies above me. I couldn't have said any of it any better. I am sorry for all of your losses, maybe you should see a specialist to do some additional testing. Just a thought. I will be praying for you.....

[Servilia]

I am so very sorry for your losses and what you are feeling. We are here to listen so feel free to share. I would like to add I hate when people bring God into these issues - are they trying to say God doesn't think I deserve a baby? My personal pet peeve..
In any case I wish you didn't have to come here so it's with sadness that I saw welcome...

[msshamis23]

Welcome, and I'm sorry you had to come here in the first place.

This place is the most wonderful place on the internet. Better than therapy (and cheaper too!)

I agree with everything those before me posted.

[eChristine]

I am so sorry for your losses =[
People can be very insensitive and I think it's hard for people who haven't been through a loss to understand. This board has always been very helpful and supportive though, and I've found it very helpful to talk to people who've been there and can relate. <3

[JessP]

I am so sorry for your losses. It is totally normal to be upset about all those things. We all understand and are not offended by your post. Welcome to JM and to this board.

[Halfbaked]

I'm so sorry for your losses. It should never happen to anyone and you have every right to feel sad, mad, upset, and jealous. People tend to think that just because you weren't further along or had a living baby that you didn't really experience a loss, but you did. You need to be allowed to grieve those losses.

I hope that you can get some more answers. This is a great group of ladies and we all understand what you are going through.

[luvmykids623]

I'm so sorry for your losses! The ladies here are truly amazing. I hope you're able to find some comfort here.

[*SamF*]

I'm so sorry for your losses and that you are having to go through this again.
I'm glad you decided to post. I will never understand why people think they need to try to justify our losses.

[asunflower]

I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through. I have a very similar situation and have been through ALL of the testing with nothing to show for it. So I just keep on trying and hope for the best. We all understand all of your feelings an you are welcome to vent here anytime.