[ohnicole]

I'm 15 dpo today, still getting BFNs, having my normal pre-AF spotting, and just waiting for AF to come tomorrow. For some reason, this cycle being a BFN is hitting me super hard, and I kind of feel like I'm digging myself into a huge pit of sadness, hopelessness, and anger.

I know that a lot of people get through this with hope and faith, but honestly, I'm pretty much on empty in that department. I can't say at this point that I believe I will never get pregnant again and never have my own baby, but I do think it's possible. And I have to admit that I do believe that I could be TTC for another 6 months or another year before getting another BFP. It just seems that every time I think 'Well this is the worst case scenario, it's not ever going to actually happen," it does happen. And truthfully, part of me doesn't want to have hope because then each cycle just hurts that much more when it fails.

And I've been looking at a lot of articles on coping with infertility, because I really feel like I'm losing it, and most of them say to find something else to spend your time on that you enjoy... and think about what you could do with your life that would give you a purpose and replace parenthood as your main priority. But I am sorry... there is NOTHING that I could ever want to do more than being a mom. There is NOT a job or volunteer cause or career or anything that could replace being a mom. No matter what I do, I will do it thinking about how I am only doing it because I'm not a mom and I might never be a mom. It kind of makes me sick to think that some people think it's possible to be fulfilled by anything other than parenthood. And even sicker to think of living the rest of my life without having my own family.

I'm so tired of pretending that it doesn't matter, pretending that I'm ok going to work and living my life, pretending like it's not killing me that this is taking so long and might never happen. And now it's the holidays, and I get to spend all this time with family (and at a wedding?!?! in November ?!?!) acting happy and pretending I'm not empty and knowing everyone must think that we're pg by now and dreading someone asking me about it. And I get to buy Christmas gifts for our nephew due in February and pretend that I don't want to scream because I am POSITIVE that I won't be pg by the time he arrives. And I get to hear everyone talk about how cute it is that nephew #1 is 'The Wisconsin Baby' and nephew #2 will be 'The Ohio State Baby' and just want to yell out "WE ARE THE ONES WHO GET TO HAVE WISCONSIN AND OHIO STATE BABIES!!! What about our babies????????? Don't they count for anything????" But they don't actually exist, so to everyone else, no, they don't count for anything.

And this vent has turned into a novel, which I'm sure no one will make it through. I'm not sure what I expect anyone to say, anyway. DH has been trying to say something to chill me out for days and I just keep shooting him down because I'm so mad that he doesn't have to feel it the way I feel it and live it the way I live it. Ugh. I have gone insane, I think.

[Erin84]

I feel like I should know more about your journey before I ask or say anything. I see that you've been trying for a long time now -- I'm sorry this is proving so difficult for you. Have you tried the ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor? I hear it can be more effective than OPKs because it monitors more than just LH. Are you using Pre-Seed? Have you seen a specialist? Had your hormone levels checked? Are these options even available to you? There's so much I don't know about your story, I'm sorry I'm not more help... It breaks my heart to see someone who wants it so bad and who's having so much trouble As badly as you want it, I'm sure you'd make a great mom, and give that baby such a loving family. I'll keep you in my prayers for a successful cycle very, very soon. I think it's about time you got to celebrate a BFP as well as actually meet the little bundle at the end of nine months <3

[ohnicole]

Thanks for being so sweet

In the 14 months since our loss, we have tried PreSeed, Soy Isoflavones, and we're just finishing our second cycle with Clomid and an HCG trigger shot. I've been charting and using OPKs for almost 2 years now, and now that we've started seeing an RE, u/s and progesterone tests have confirmed that I'm ovulating when my OPKs and charts indicate. We also had hormone testing done, and I'm now on Synthroid to correct my hypothyroidism (and my levels are in range now). It's just a long journey... we only have 1 or 2 more Clomid cycles left before moving on to other treatment options, so it is frustrating.

Thanks again

[Halfbaked]

Nicole - I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I know there is nothing I can say that will take that away. I know what it's like when things don't go as planned and everyone else around you seems to be oblivious to that fact. It makes it that much harder. Until they tell you there is no hope, we have to keep hoping, even if it kills a tiny part of us each time it doesn't happen. I pray that you'll get that BFP soon. It's ok to be upset and sad and mad and feel like it's not fair. If you didn't, then you wouldn't be such a great person.

Hang in there. You will always be in our thoughts and prayers.

[ohnicole]

Thanks, Rebecca It doesn't hurt to have inspirational stories of girls like you getting their BFPs!

[Lynley]

Nicole, I'm so sorry - I don't have any brilliant wisdom to share, but please know that you aren't alone - we all understand and have, on some level, probably had the same thoughts you're having. I hope the holidays pass quickly and with as little pain as possible for you.


(((hugs)))

[Joanna1127]

I'm fairly new to this board, so do not have the knowledge that many of you ladies have here. I can only hope that a BFP is in the works for your VERY soon!!! Please feel free to vent/yell/scream/cry anytime you need to.

hugs!

[tobi4]

Nicole. ~Hugs~ Im sorry. I dont want to claim to know what its like to have been trying for the same amount of time as you but I sure can relate to the despair and discouragement that each new bfn brings. You know, with the amount of things we have shared and feelings we have exposed, never have we talked about what options you have and how far you are able to go with them. Fertility treatments are so expensive. After your next round of clomid, are you able to move on to the next steps? If you arent comfortable sharing, thats ok. I just feel so helpless, yet want to help you so desperately, I want to hope that theres still a light somewhere... there is, isnt there? Im so sad that you are feeling so down. If it helps at all, know that Im feeling your hurt along with you.

[ohnicole]

Thanks, girls Everyone here is so amazing and supportive. I definitely couldn't do it without you

Tobi, I have no issues talking about my plans for fertility treatments (and I definitely have it all planned out- so unlike me, right? ). We have $25000 of infertility coverage (with a 30% copay on all meds and treatment). So I think that amount of coverage should get us through somewhere in the neighborhood of a few of monitored Clomid cycles, a few monitored Femara cycles, a few injectibles cycles, a few IUI cycles, and one IVF cycle. That would be about $7500 for us out of pocket, which we should be able to save in less time than it will take to get through all those cycles. I am kind of partial to giving us the chance for a second IVF cycle if need be, but that would be a bit of saving. And if none of that works, I'm pretty sure we will go for domestic infant adoption, which will also be a bit of saving and might have to wait until DH is done with this temporary job and we move to a new house with 1 more bedroom. I don't think this house would get approved, at least while my sister is here half time, because we don't have a separate bedroom solely for a baby. So yeah, I have some plans, huh? LOL

The whole thing is kind of crappy because by taking my leave of absence this year, I lost about $10000 in wages, which would have gone straight to fertility treatments. But I want to be a mom, and I will be poor for decades if that's what it takes. There's always room for hope, I guess, but unfortunately that means that there's also room for doubt. It terrifies me that it's taking so long to get pg when I know I have 2 separate factors that increase my chances of loss, especially late loss. I don't know what would do I it took us a year and a half to get pg again and then we lost that baby too.

Aaaaahhhh, you made me write another huge post, Tobi!!!

[msshamis23]

Nicole, i've been worried about you for the past few days mostly because I could kind of sense how you've been feeling. I wish I knew something to say to help you feel better, but honestly I don't think that anything short of a BFP, or a true psychic could take the weight off of your shoulders, or fill that pit of emptiness into a lair of happiness.

I wish I could see you IRL, and give you a big hug and take you out for hot chocolate, and away from everything if even for a few hours. Heck, we could go to a bar with em, and just sit and talk because I think that's the last place you would ever see a pg woman, or a baby.

And if you ever do fall in that hole, Nicole we are all there to catch you , or cushion your fall.

[ohnicole]

Thanks, Amy I could definitely go for a hot chocolate. Or a hot apple cider. Mmmmm. It sucks so much that everybody here has been on the same road and can understand this pain. But at the same time, I don't think we'd make it without each other

[tobi4]

Girls!! I wanna come!! (Stomping feet)
Im a really fun girl, I promise!

[ohnicole]

Tobi, isn't it a bit late to be drinking when you have to POAS in the morning?

[tobi4]

lol, Oops, I didnt realize we were spiking the cider K well, Im still fun!

[ohnicole]

Hahahaha I believe that you're fun... it's me I'm worried about.

[MeganMomof5]

(((Hugs)))) nicole!!! i'm so sorry your feeling down...I wish I knew what to say to make things better, but I know that I don't....We are all here for you anytime you need anything, and i'll be saying a prayer for you (((hugs))) again...you are so kind and so helpful on this board, and I know your time is coming for a bfp!!!

[Halfbaked]

No fair.... I wanna come too but can we make it a male strip club? I wouldn't mind seeing some Chip and Dales.

[ohnicole]

Thanks, Megan- you're such a sweetie

LOL, Rebecca... you gotta bring the $1 bills, though.

[msshamis23]

LOL sounds like its time for Vegas! LOL!

[ohnicole]

Ha, Amy! Good thing this is imaginary cause I can't afford a plane ticket