[Erin84]

I understand that miscarriages are painful. Please don't think I'm diminishing that experience -- I'm not. I've never had one, so I can't even begin to pretend I know what it's like to experience one. I'm just upset because my mom insists that what I had is a miscarriage, and when I try to correct her, she just argues with me. This woman is driving me up the wall.

I think it's anything past 28 weeks that's considered a stillbirth, right? But I didn't even have a stillbirth. My baby was born alive, survived for five days, and passed away in my arms. A living, breathing baby, with a heartbeat, who struggled for his life for five days, and then couldn't struggle any longer.

My mother keeps calling it a miscarriage, and tells people I had a miscarriage, and I just want her to stop. She's getting it all wrong. When I told her that it wasn't a miscarriage or a stillbirth because he was alive for five days, she said, "That wasn't really a life. He wasn't really alive, he was hooked up to machines." I told her that he looked around, made eye contact, wiggled (albeit not much at all), that he was very much alive, and that his brain deteriorated, his organs failed, and he died. But she insists that what I had is a miscarriage.

This is the same woman who thinks I'm lying when I say it's normal to put ketchup on hot dogs, and who also believes mental illness doesn't exist, that it's just a person's inability to control him- or herself. And the same idiot woman who pointed a loaded, cocked gun at me and threatened to kill me a few years ago when I visited home for my grandfather's funeral. GOD I hate my mom sometimes. Please give Drew's life the respect its due, please acknowledge that he was very much alive on this Earth for five days, and please STOP CALLING THIS A MISCARRIAGE. It's pissing me off.

[Brittanie]

Anything after 20 weeks is a stillbirth. But I agree, you didn't even have a stillbirth, your baby died. 5 days is a long time. And honestly? I sort of envy you that. Not the machines, definitely, but seeing his eyes? Yeah, I do. It's definitely different!

[Erin84]

Originally Posted by Brittanie

Anything after 20 weeks is a stillbirth. But I agree, you didn't even have a stillbirth, your baby died. 5 days is a long time. And honestly? I sort of envy you that. Not the machines, definitely, but seeing his eyes? Yeah, I do. It's definitely different!

It's weird how that works. I found myself actually being jealous of the premie parents and babies when we were in the NICU, because while they may have been struggling, at least they had a better chance than Drew did. And for three of those five days we couldn't even hold him because they were trying to keep his core body temperature four degrees cooler than normal body temp as a means of trying to preserve brain function. (Good try, didn't work though... AUGH.) But the premie parents could hold their babies. It's so strange how our minds work.

[luvmykids623]

I am so so sorry that she's doing this to you. What happened to you was MOST DEFINITELY not a miscarriage or a stillbirth. You carried to full term and had a precious baby boy who fought so hard to stay here, and sadly lost that fight. I have had 3 miscarriages, and I know how much it hurts to lose children I've never met. You got to meet your son and watched him fight. I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through. I've told you before that I admire your strength, but I admire it even more for holding it together despite what your mother is doing. I hope that somehow she will be able to see how much she's hurting you and just STOP and let you heal. Drew deserves the respect that his life is due, and so do you as his mother for all you've been through and will go through the rest of your life! It was NOT a miscarriage!

[missy123]

Your mom isn't going to change, she is who she is. You either accept her or for your own sanity distance yourself from her.

When I had a miscarriage last year at 8 weeks my mom said "I am sorry your baby died but really you are too old to have more children so it was best this way"... and when I had the ectopic recently she said "See, you are too old, you really need to get your tubes tied now before you get pregnant again and have a downs syndrome child. That would ruin your life"... Needless to say I hardly speak to my mother anymore.

((hugs)) Like you need more aggravation on top of the pain you are going through.

[Lynley]

I'm so sorry, Erin.....you absolutely didn't have a miscarriage - in my opinion, what happened with Drew was worse. My heart breaks for you that your mother can't be supportive and caring. I think Lori and Missi are right - you're just going to have to distance yourself from her, for your own sanity.

[MeganMomof5]

I'm sorry your dealing with that ...what brittanie said, anything past 20 weeks is a stillbirth, but IMO anyone who gives birth, even if it's a dead baby it's a stillbirth...Any way, back on subject...I kind of understand, even though my baby was born dead, but people often call it a miscarriage and it really bothers me...I know now from experiance that a stillbirth is nothing like a miscarriage, even though both are painful experiances to have to go through...I don't however know what it's like to have baby born alive and then die.....I think her calling what happened to you a miscarriage is a very ignorant and mean thing to say...I'm sorry that she obviously doesn't support you like you need...Have you looked into loss groups in your area? the one I go to is for any kind of pregnancy loss, and/or infant loss.

[tobi4]

Erin I am so sorry that your mother insists on calling your experience a miscarriage. And even more than that Im sorry you dont have a mom that is your support and your friend. I can feel my own anger build when I read what you write about her, I cant imagine how angry you must be having to deal with her. Shes like poison eh?

[Halfbaked]

I can't add much. Everyone has already said everything I could have.

[TTCin2010]

I am sorry your mom is being such an idiot. I agree with the other ladies that you need to distance yourself from your mom! HUGS

[ohnicole]

I am so sorry that your mother is being so cruel. It is the absolute least she could to acknowledge your precious son's life and the grief and pain you are going through. I can't imagine how much it must hurt to hear her saying those things You definitely don't need any more pain on top of the loss of your son

[*~ Joni ~*]

UGH You are right and your mom is wrong. And even if she doesn't believe that she should have the respect to call *your* experience whatever you want it to be called.

[Erin84]

Thanks for the support I had written my mom out of my life until very recently. Right after Drew passed away she left a couple of really nice, loving, supportive messages on my phone, so I decided to call her back and talk to her for the first time in a long time. We had a couple of decent conversations and now this, and I'm just at a loss. Now I feel like I'm back stuck with her again, that she tricked me to get back in and now there's not enough of a reason for me to tell her to F off, and it's like I'm just waiting for something huge to happen again. Bleh. I wish I'd never called her back...

[tobi4]

Erin, I think shes giving you reason enough. She is disrespecting you and belittling the birth of your son, knowing how you feel about it, and doing it anyway. You dont have to be subjected to her any longer. Go ahead and tell her, if you think you dont want her in your life. Why wait around for it to get worse? This is bad enough.

[Celena]

Erin hon, I'm pissed after reading this.... I wanna bop that woman up side the head and tell her with printed booklet in hand of the difference of ALL the levels of loss; pregnancy loss, miscarriage, stillbirth and the passing of a baby struggling for life days after they were born are all a LOSS, but not all the same.

I'm very sorry and I agree with Missy about moms... they're set in their ways and at this point they more than likely won't change (but anything is possible) however, just accept her ignorance and move on. It's going to drag you down deeper and creat more distance when really you need her and her support. Just definitely speak your mind the difference .

"dothug:

[ashj_1218]

I agree that she has given you more than enough reason to cut off contact with her again. That is a horrible thing to say, Drew was VERY MUCH alive and was not a miscarriage or a stillbirth. He knew his mommy was holding him, he saw his family, he felt your touch and heard your voice. How much more alive can anyone be? He was strong and handsome and it is very sad that despite his fight he had to leave his loving parents. But it obviously doesn't register to your mother and her saying those hurtful things is not acceptable. I imagine that if she is saying horrible things at this time in your life, she will have no issue saying hurtful things in the future. She is toxic and you are very smart to have avoided her until now. You can't take back answering the phone, but you can tell her that her contact is no longer wanted and that you need her to respect your wishes. That is so sad for you, in that you can't draw off her for support in this horrible time. But you are very strong to deal with that on top of having to work through Drew's loss.

[HippyMomOf4]

I would be upset with my mother as well if she kept calling it that. Im so sorry for you loss

Just stumbled upon this post by accident and wanted to say that you in no way had a miscarriage or stillbirth and I'd personally have to stop talking to my mom if she made me feel so horrible and discredited my child's LIFE!

I read about your story and I cried. I am so very sorry.

[Pitridge]

I'm sorry...I can't add much to what everyone has already said.
Can she be acting like this because she can't face the fact that he was born and died. We all that people deal with lost in very different ways, maybe her ways is by convincing herself that he was never born? No matter what, it's no excuse and for the time being, I would try to distance myself from her.
By the way, OT, i noticed you are from San Diego, where about?

[zkat]

Erin,

I and everyone else on Just Mommies recognizes that Drew was born, he lived and fought so hard for 5 days. He felt the warmth of your touch and recognized your love, just like all newborn babies feel.

I am very sorry your mom is so hurtful. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks and my step sister's son was stillborn at 28 weeks. The pain was very real on both, but very different. Nothing compares to the bond that mother and child have at that stage. The absolute most painful things said to both of us after our losses were said by my step mom (her mom).

The one thing my sister appreciates most is that we remember her son and we talk about him, which is something her mom will not do. She just won't talk about him with my sister and it makes her feel like he didn't exist and her pain is not real.

I must say I agree with the others, your mom sounds like she is toxic and needs to be out of your life. The last thing you need right now is someone belittling your grief or making your life harder.



Kat.