how would it make YOU feel?

Originally Posted by MerinSun

Without sounding unkind to the people who are only expressing sympathy, compassion, and thoughtfulness I would nonetheless like to state that you have not "lost" a baby. There is no loss.

Rather, you gained 14 weeks of unity with a pure soul and heart and much like your sig says, your little one is now with God and talking about your love. I am truly sorry that you are not getting what you wanted out of this pregnancy but hopefully, with time, you'll look back on your third child with a smile. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

[*~ Joni ~*]

That's kind of shocking. I mean, I guess I see her point in a way but I don't see how she can say you didn't lose a baby You had a baby and now the baby is gone. How is that not losing a baby? Ugh.

I remember you from the May DDC. Sorry you ended up here

Originally Posted by *~ Joni ~*

I remember you from the May DDC. Sorry you ended up here

Thanks. I just ended up here this week. I was 13 weeks and found out my baby died at 11 weeks 4 days.

[dreamer10]

I also see sort of where she was going with what she said, but I have to wonder...has she ever "lost" a baby? Because yes...we carry our baby in our hearts with us forever, but no, they are not with us. We have lost them. I think the empathy that we have for each other in how we feel and what we have lost is very unique. It's hard for people to understand unless they have experienced it. I know she meant well, but if someone said that to me it would have made me sad, hurt and a bit angry....

[LisaG825]

I think maybe what she was saying is that you haven't lost anyone b/c your baby is still with you, but from Heaven.

Or at least that is how I would try to take it, if it was me. Then maybe I wouldn't be so angry about the comment.

I am sorry about your loss and what she said. I do believe that those of us that have suffered a m/c, have suffered a loss.

Originally Posted by LisaG825

I think maybe what she was saying is that you haven't lost anyone b/c your baby is still with you, but from Heaven.

Honestly neither my husband nor I even thought of it that way. I mean whether or not the positivity was meant, there are just some things that people say that are just like :-o

On the site I've been linking people to (What do I say after the loss of baby or pregnancy miscarriage)

The very top of "what not to say" is that it was meant to be and it is God's plan or something like that and ya know, I'm hearing that one a lot and it's making me want to slap everyone! I know people mean well but [insert foot in mouth smiley that should exist here, ha]

[ashj_1218]

Originally Posted by MerinSun
Without sounding unkind to the people who are only expressing sympathy, compassion, and thoughtfulness I would nonetheless like to state that you have not "lost" a baby. There is no loss.

^^That part would piss me off. No matter what else is stated, that is unkind and making light of the emotional suffering you are going through. That is not appropriate for her to say about YOUR loss. She did not lose her baby, you lost yours and she does not have the right to diminish your loss.

Despite the fact that I can understand sort of where she was coming from with the second part of the post, she is making the assumption that because the baby is in heaven, you do not grieve for him/her like you would any other person in heaven. Therefore, it would stand to follow that if her mother/father/sister/brother died, she also did not suffer a loss and instead should rejoice that the person is in heaven talking to God about their life on earth. I see absolutely no difference in the loss of a baby whom you were completely and entirely attached to (in a way that is different even from life attachments) and the loss of a person who has been here for 50 years, if we are using this logic she presented.

Obviously I do recognize the difference in losing a father and losing a baby at 13 weeks. But using that logic, there is no difference. I would try not to be hurt by those statements, just take them for what they are...statements made by someone who has never suffered a loss of this magnitude and doesn't understand how painful it can be (and all the questions that can come with it).

[luvmykids623]

That comment makes me really mad! I understand what she's getting at, that your baby will always be with you in your heart, and that's true. But it IS a loss. If it's not, then what is?!? Your baby was growing in your womb, and now he/she is not. That is most definitely a loss. Not only that, it is a loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for that child that started the second that pregnancy test turned positive. It's fine that this is what she believes, but you are clearly not in a place to hear that right now, and possibly not ever. She should have kept that type of comment to herself, and just left it at "you're in my thoughts and prayers." I mean, if God forbid she found out that her child's heart stopped beating would she look at it first and foremost as 14 weeks of unity with a pure soul? I highly doubt that would be the primary feeling, and if it is fantastic for her. You obviously are not feeling that way, and should not be subjected to being hurt more than you already are. I thought your response to her was wonderful!

[Erin84]

I think it's worded poorly, but overall I'm pretty sure her intention is to be comforting. It's one of those things that nobody knows exactly what to say to someone who's experienced a loss, so we can choose to either give a little wiggle room and find the good in it, or take it at face value and get offended by it (because the beginning really is a little harsh). I feel like this person has never lost a baby -- it doesn't seem like she has much experience being around this particular kind of loss. Either that or she is super, super, super into religion and this statement was truly 100% pure love and comfort. It's really hard to say, and sometimes asking for clarification can seem confrontational. I'm just going to assume the best

[Celena]

Originally Posted by dreamer10

I also see sort of where she was going with what she said, but I have to wonder...has she ever "lost" a baby? Because yes...we carry our baby in our hearts with us forever, but no, they are not with us. We have lost them. I think the empathy that we have for each other in how we feel and what we have lost is very unique. It's hard for people to understand unless they have experienced it. I know she meant well, but if someone said that to me it would have made me sad, hurt and a bit angry....

with Julie entirely and couldn't have said it any better at all than she eloquated.

I hate to say it, but I would ask her if she had ever lost a baby before, had a miscarriage and how it made her feel... but I seriously doubt she has to say something like that which to me feels insensitive. She may "think" she's being supportive, but she's not and sounding more like an ignorant twit. Sorry, it just sorta makes my butt burn when people do stuff like that. It's better if they just realize it's something they cannot fathom or related truly with and express their condolences, offer support and prayers.

[OwensMommy25]

While the comment is shocking, inappropriate and seemingly uncaring.. I don't think it was meant to sound the way it did. I doubt this woman has lost a baby or if she did she hasn't dealt fully with her loss.
I would feel hurt and offended by the comment. I wish some woman had a better understanding of miscarriage or infant loss.

[Lynley]

I agree w/ the other ladies.....I don't think she necessarily meant it the way it sounds to us, but I would've had the same reaction you did. And I highly doubt she's ever had a m/c before or she would've realized what impact her words could've had. I understand what she's getting at, and it's a nice thought, but that definitely qualifies as something you shouldn't say to someone who's just had a m/c.

(((hugs))) So sorry you have a reason to be here - sorry we all do

[ldovey83]

I am also agreeing with what Julie said.. I am sorry you have heard so many negative comments.. I heard alot of them too, and they definitely don't help. Almost makes you wish that the person just kept thier mouth shut instead.. Grieve how you are going to grieve cause that is your right.. We are all here for you.. I am very sorry for your loss hun.. HUGS!!

[tobi4]

I am so sorry that she felt she had to say anything at all to you. I agree with our ttcal ladies, she doesnt have a clue, and sometimes when a certain type of person (generally a person who holds themselves higher than others) is ignorant about something, they still respond as though they know 'something'. Usually hurtful to those around them, but they are so wrapped up with themselves that they wont even consider that they could be wrong, let alone try to make amends.
Im sorry that one of 'those' had the opportunity to inflict more hurt on top of the pain you are already feeling. ~hugs~

Originally Posted by tobi4

(generally a person who holds themselves higher than others)

Haha it's so funny you say that because I got a PM from someone on here that I don't know who said the same thing.

[mandymc18]

I can see her intentions were not to hurt your feelings. She was trying to find some way to comfort you. Although I understand why it would bother you.

[MeganMomof5]

I agree with everyone else...I don't think her intentions were bad, but she worded it poorly, and honestly it wasn't her place to even say something like that to you...I think when people don't know what to say, they say things that they think will help, but in fact sometimes they hurt more.

[msshamis23]

I agree with Julie as well. Though the first few sentences would PISS ME OFF! If she felt she had to say anything about it, 'i'm sorry for your loss' probably would have done just fine.

A loss is a loss no matter what. (While some losses may hurt more than others, that doesn't make yours count any less, or the pain any less)

*hugs*
Don't worry, Tiffany you won't be hearing anything like that around these parts.

[Halfbaked]

I'm so sorry anyone said something like that to you. People don't understand unless they have been through something similar. When my sister lost her foster baby to sids, there was a nurse that told her she was lucky she hadn't adopted the baby. She didn't mean anything bad by the comment, she just truly didn't understand. My sister told her that she just hopes that nothing similar ever happens to her and left it at that.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this.

[Celena]

Originally Posted by mandymc18

I can see her intentions were not to hurt your feelings. She was trying to find some way to comfort you. Although I understand why it would bother you.

Right, but it is pretentious for someone to say something like that when they themselves have NEVER had a loss. You have to really really THINK before you speak to someone about something you personally have NEVER experienced. I mean it is not supportive at all to someone to hear something like " I would nonetheless like to state that you have not "lost" a baby. There is no loss" WTH?! Are you mentally challenged?!

So if this person who made that ridunkulous statement.... her mother dies, she has not "lost" her mother? But gained 48 years of memories with a woman who raised her.

Sorry, but this is just another one of those ignorant person instances when they could just send their condolences and not "offer some words" on a matter which they know nothing about. There are so many ignorant fools out there that can't just keep their traps shut!