[lindsey2000k]

Today has been REALLY hard on me. It seems everytime I log on today there is a new BFP posting.
Please do not take me the wrong way because I am sooooo soooo sooooo happy for you all and you desirve it more than anyone else.
All I wanted for Christmas this year was a BFP and to see so many of them popping up this month or even today is hard.
I feel bad posting here but you guals are also the only ones who understand how I am feeling. I also feel greedy because I am only on my 3rd cycle trying and I am already complaining. I also think its the time of year that is making it hard.

I am on another board and 2 ladies on that one also posted today with a BFP. That leaves only 2 of us for next month unless someone new joins.


I do hope to see many more BFP's before X-mas!!! just needed to get that off my cheast.

[ohnicole]

It's so normal to feel that way, hon. BFP booms on this board are THE BEST because you get to see all your friends graduate and be so happy. But it is hard to be left behind, wondering why it wasn't your turn, too. It's ok to be happy for the ladies who got their BFPs but also sad that we haven't gotten ours yet. I hope you're part of the next boom!

[lindsey2000k]

Thanks.. its such an emotional time for all of us.
I think part of it is getting so close to these ladies and then they will be moving on.
I just pray none of them have to come back because of loss.

[ohnicole]

It is rough. I will admit that I cried today after all the BFPs because I know how much I will miss all those ladies- they have been such good friends. But I NEVER want them to come back. So I hope I keep on missing them, I guess

[asunflower]

I am right there with you! What is going on? So much baby dust in the air! Maybe it is meant for us this cycle now too. I still have no AF,and no BFP. I just am in limbo and don't know what to do next.

[Celena]

UNDERSTANDABLE!

I've been here for a long time and have watched month after month, after month, after month, after month of boom's... some months weren't as bad as others, some or rather most have felt very very depressed that I hadn't joined the graduates. (never any malice to anyone, just my body and how it had let me down again time n time again) It can be very hard and honestly I don't come on here to talk allot about my feelings... however I admit I have been an angry person for most of the year until recently have I been able to let go of that anger almost as if I'm closer to healing than ever. (nothing will ever totally heal) I shared some very intimate details of my journey summed up to Nicole and only time I ever been that open about most of it.

(suuuuper short summary/bio) DH & I have been ttc for coming up on 3 years and have had 3 confirmed losses (july'09, aug'09, feb'10), lost my left fallopian tube due to an ectopic pregnancy(feb'10) (conceived 1 year ago on this Christmas) & had 2 chemicals confirmed at my RE's office.

I hope this helps a teensy bit, to know you're certainly NOT alone...

[missy123]

It is hard not to be pregnant, not to have our babies that we lost. Hang in there, stay strong, your time is coming. We understand why you feel that way.

[My3Boys64]

I was just thinking the same thing today when I came on....I almost got off the boards because it was too hard to see all those bfp threads. But I wanted to say this before when you said you got AF - Christmas is not even here yet! Christmas is a time for miracles, you have to believe that! Pray/wish for a BFP for Christmas and you may just get it next month - and if not, there will always be the next month - and other of moms on here to support you and commiserate. I know just how you feel b/c I have only been charting but not trying for the past 4 months (no O) but its different for us b/c we have lost a baby/babies and so its harder when we do not conceive again. Its very sad - no women should have to suffer this way. But you know how we get through? We NEVER loose hope! There is always tomorrow for dreams to come true

[Im.Nayomi]

Ovulation,Conception baby sticky dust to everyone that joins this thread.

[yellowbird]

I feel that way too Lindsey, but I'm SO happy for all you wonderful and deserving ladies. We're all gonna catch up! Our time is coming.

[StaceygirlPa]

Lindsey, I know how you are feeling. I am feeling the same way. It is so hard to keep reading about all the BFP's this month. I am so so happy for all the ladies that are getting their BFP's. At the same time it is so so hard to see everyone getting their BFP's this month. Knowing that 2 weeks ago I was one of those ladies getting a BFP's and being so happy. Now I sit here having a m/c. This pregnancy was extra special to me since I lost my mom in March of this year and this pregnancy would have ment I would have been pregnant the same time she was pregnant with me. I pray that all the ladies getting their BFP's never have to come back to this board. I pray they have a healthy and happy 9 months. For the rest of us left on this board I pray that we all get our BFP's and we have a healthy and happy 9 months.

[Toots216]

I'm right here with you. I'm super-sad because like Stacey, I was in the August DDC until 2 weeks ago when my m/c started. I'm also sad because my RE has me on "TTC hold" until March so I can get all of my recurrent m/c testing done. I know it's for the best, but the waiting (and knowing that I may not get to hold my rainbow baby until 2012 ARRRGGGHHH!!!) totally sucks.

I'm so glad this board is here - sometimes I feel like you girls are the only ones that understand. And I really am SOOOOOO thrilled for all of the BFPs too, because I know how special it is after you've experienced a loss.

[SillyKitty]

I totally understand why you'd feel this way, Lindsey, especially with the wave of bfps this week.

I can't wait until I see everyone with a bfp, so I'm checking to see who is here and keeping you in my thoughts.

~Jess~

[lindsey2000k]

THANK YOU LADIES!!!
This post was one of those things I knew I should have just kept to myself but you know what I feel so much better today knowing how much support I have and that I am truly not alone.
This coming week I would have been 20 weeks..... and my mom is a school teacher and off the next week, I had it all planned out to do my big scan then so she can come and see the baby on ultra sound. I think this is why I was taking it so hard because I was all excited for that to be my X-mas present and instead I have big hospital bills from the D&E coming in and the hospital keeps calling to ask when it will be paid off (I sent them $500.00 last month and 1 week later they were calling to ask when the rest will be paid) Its not like I have $3,000 just sitting around waiting for a hopital bill.

I am just ready for 2010 to be over....

[ashj_1218]

I am right there with you. I am very, very happy for all the ladies getting BFP's...especially because I know their journey has been hard and full of pitfalls and false hope. I have that duality...happy for them, but super-sad that I am not part of it. It is a great place to be for support, but every so often it is hard because "everyone" is getting pregnant...but me And the holidays DO NOT help at all. I should be literally around the corner from delivering...and I am not even pregnant again. All I have is four losses behind me and no more answers. But I do trust that one day it will be me leaving here "for good" and spending 9 months in a DDC. And I just have to keep saying that to myself. Because it is not fair...and yet I know all those ladies know how I feel and don't think less of me because of it. They have been there too. There are plenty of us still here...sadly.

[*SamF*]

I think we all go through that when we see BFP's and a bunch at that. Especially on a board like this it's doubly hard because you are so happy for them- and praying that they don't come back, you still wonder why it's not you.
Still praying that all of the ladies here get their BFP's soon, and they get healthy sticky beans!!

[MeganMomof5]

Feel that way is very normal...I've now been apart of this board for 14 months...I'm always happy to see ladies move on, and hopefully never have to come back (except for updates)...At the same time it's hard to watch people move on, and feel like it's never your time..I've now left this board 2 times and have had to come back 2 times.

Toots, I had to also wait to get testing done...It seems like it's a long time, but honestly the 12 weeks I had to wait went by pretty quick...I hope it's the same for you!

For me, it's not that I've been trying so long (because I'm not even trying yet) but it's just that everyone getting pregnant and I just want my pregnancy back. They're all finding out the gender now in my ex-DDC and up until a few weeks ago, I thought I would be too :/

[mmllhh]

Don't feel bad for feeling this way. You are only human and it's completely normal. keep on bd'ing and you will get that bfp

[Erin84]

Like everyone else has said, it's all completely normal. We're all struggling with the conflicting emotions of pain over our lost little ones, hope for the future, impatience, and happiness for the grads. Drew should be smiling by now, he should be napping in my arms while I sit next to a Christmas tree overflowing with presents for him, but instead he's in God's arms. It's painful, and it's hard to see everyone else so happy and wonder, "Why not me? Don't I deserve to be happy, too?" The holidays make the BFPs extra-special, and make the losses extra-difficult.